A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket.

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.

A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl under it before you start licking, or else you’ll drip brick all over my blanket.

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?

A blanket could be used as a duvet, in the fight against elitism.

A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do...

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as a means to build the future.

When you get into a fight with your partner or a friend, you usually have some weird, specific thing that you hold on to that you fight about that has nothing to do with what’s...

I really like oysters, and I won’t eat them alone. They’re just a weird thing to eat by yourself.

We all know interspecies romance is weird.

If it doesn’t sweat, jiggle, or pant, it’s not alive.

Its not that I’m weird; it’s that it’s weird not to be weird

I’m looking into my past lives. I’m convinced some of them still owe me money.

A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they normally serve.

A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching?

Bricks could be used to neatly pack your suitcase. It would promote personal strength and frugality.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

A blanket could be used to create another way. There is no other way but to make another way. We simply must!

A blanket could be used to fill in the blank.

A brick could be used to revive the spiritual movement in America. But are we as a people willing to accept the unacceptable into our lives? Sadly, I’m afraid I’m crying at the answer, which...

A brick could be used as a dream stimulator. Just tap it gently against your forehead. And if the mechanism gets stuck, just slam it down on your skull to jar everything loose.

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

the strangest life exists in the cracks

My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.

I love you,” say nothing. Just grab a brick, cradle it with both hands like a kitten, and hold it out to the other person. Whether you want the other person to leave, or whether...

A brick has no legs, so it probably slithers like a snake. Therefore, a brick might make a good pet. And at least you wouldn’t have to walk it.

A blanket could be considered part of performance art, if you’re inconsiderate and steal all the covers while we’re asleep—and film me shivering and twitching in the night.

A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

This capacity to fold the completely weird into daily life, to make the aliens ourselves, is a quality I look for in a good, weird book.

Teens are not like the weird, dumb dwarves you have around your house. They are actually you when you were younger.

No, really. Just do it. You have some kind of weird reasons that are okay.

For some reason, a lot of you reject what you hear and see in your heads. If you go too long ignoring it, it builds up and then you do all sorts of weird things....

I know that. What’s your point?

There’s a movie called ‘Pod People’ that has a weird little anteater alien. That was a good alien.

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.