Competition is the death of art.

A brick is a rust-colored blur of movement, caught in a moment, and transformed from motion into a physical object. Studying this brick would give scientists an insight into how fast I run.

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.

A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp!

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.

A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.

I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I’m such a pyromaniac

Facebook is that successful guy you’re supposed to want to date, but you can’t keep your mind off the beautiful freak in the corner. Twitter is my freak.

A lot of people think I must be weird because of the films I’ve done. I get that.

The older I get, the more I just like plugging directly into my amp. I’m tired of trying to impress myself with weird sounds. It’s about the notes more.

I have always been mainstream. It’s so weird, because I don’t see it as something negative at all. So many people see it as something negative.

I didn’t want to do it,’ Kiala said. ‘The universe just kind of conspired to force me to make a fool of myself. It does that quite a lot, actually.

A brick could be used as a trophy at your company’s annual award ceremony. It’s a way to save money while making pride and applause at the same time.

A brick could be used to help define your rigid beliefs. I put my beliefs to bed, along with the hooker I rented for the night.

A brick could be used in a heart transplant operation. And for just $25,000 more dollars, that brick could be switched with a real or artificial heart.

Brick!”

With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want melted cheese, just fart a bit.

A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sounds, because I’ll be the band’s lead singer, and my sexy voice is like melted butter on a corn on...

A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing pad for when the aliens come to earth to save humanity. The only...

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

I’ll weave the waves into a sea blanket of goodbye.

A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too...

A brick could be used in speech therapy, to cure a stutter. I mean look at me, I don’t have a stutter. But to be fair, I never did have a stutter, so I can’t...

I mean people just have a way of – y’know they’ll review your record in two sentences and put you in this little stupid box that you don’t want to be in.

I can’t believe you don’t remememember my name.

A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

A brick could be used to sell new shoes to a man with no hands. I would say a brick could be used to sell a handless man new gloves, but that’s a bit of...

At this point I think we need to embrace the weird. High-five it. Give it our phone number.

Be undeniable.

I’d rather be weird than ordinary. Ordinary is so boring.

He’s my father, whoever he is, so he must have had sex with my mother at least once, and I’d love to kill him for that.

There’s a weird logic that explains a common truth.

Trust me, I am nuts!

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.

A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver, and the most opportune moment to snatch your mother-in-law away to never be...

A blanket could be used to understand Understanding. At least I think so. The process is complicated, and really hard to understand.

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers.

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you’ll see what I mean.

A brick could be used as a cuddle partner. Just glue some fur on it and voila! It’s as good as snuggling with any dead animal you find on the side of the highway. (Which...