A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my ancestors.

I’m drawn to unusual, even freakish people. Why? They are far more engaging than the ordinary, which the world has too much of.

Still.” Anyway, the fascinating thing was that I read in National Geographic that there are more people alive now than have died in all of human history. In other words, if everyone wanted to play...

There aren’t weird things; there are only familiar and unfamiliar things!

It was at the outskirts of the world that the Old Things accumulated, like driftwood round the edges of the sea. (“The Troll”)

You just noticed? You’re slow…

But please remember: this is only a work of fiction. The truth, as always, will be far stranger.

We look at each other with shy relief. It’s the look two odd socks give when they recognise each other in the wild.

A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I say go, Don’t!

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

A brick could be used to manipulate people into doing what you want. If anything could offer one man an unfair advantage over another, it’s a brick—especially if that brick is made of gold.

Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me, and that chicken was delicious.

A blanket could be used to smother a fire—but not the fire that burns in my heart for you. Or perhaps that’s merely heartburn, and you’re just as common as a brick.

A blanket can be rolled up, much like I roll up my emotions when I listen to political rhetoric.

A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go to hell.

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re shivering, I won’t ask if it’s because you’re cold—or because you’re lonely.

A brick could be broken—shattered—and then given as a gift, a jigsaw puzzle.

Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.

I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.

A brick could be used to build a color theory that red objects encapsulate rage. Don’t believe me? Think of all the red objects that inspire hate: stop lights, Nazi swastikas, and tomato juice.

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

I’m kind of weird – I don’t get excited. Sometimes I fake that I’m excited just to make people happy.

A brick could be used to help defeat all incumbent politicians whose last name starts with Brj and anything after that alphabetically. Since people tend to vote for the first one on the ballot, Brick...

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

Inspecting? What do you mean? I don’t understand. I’m collecting insects. My specialty is sand and insects.What?Collecting insects. Insects. Insects.I catch them like this!Insects?

Wikipedia is kind of weird. I feel it’s lame to put up my own page, but I desperately want someone else to do it.

He liked being near that, that kind of brave and crazy.

I’m obsessed with shopping. I’ll get these urges to buy, like to shop for stuff on the Internet. I search for all kinds of weird gizmos I could get.

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there’s nothing sensible you can do with it.

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works.

A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.

A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

A brick could be used like love. But not my love, because my love is more like a blanket.

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.

A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly...

My name is Mr. Brickton, and this brick, it weighs a ton.

A brick could be used like ice cream. But hold up, hold up. Let me put a bowl under it before you start licking, or else you’ll drip brick all over my blanket.

My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?