A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like it, because as soon as your parents gain another child, you’ll quickly find...

Bricks could be used to make a billion dollars. It’s easy! All you need to do is fill up a shopping cart full of bricks, park it outside of a grocery store, and wait for...

A brick and blanket could be used to turn my words around like backwards high heels on my tongue .

Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.

A brick could help get your unruly hair under control, by getting at the root of the problem—your skull. Increase force as necessary.

A brick could be used to trick a snake into leaving your pet mouse alone. That way you’re free to use the mouse as you want to, you pervert.

A brick could be used to instill courage in the cowardly. But training must begin at birth, and the weak identified while they are still hiding in the womb.

Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be used instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals in the Olympics. If all an athlete cares about is winning, then I’ll take the precious metal off the international communities’...

A brick could be used as a medallion on the end of a necklace, much like human testicles aren’t used. It’s a shame, really, because when you think of all things dangly, male genitals drop...

A blanket could be used to battle the cold, but not battle an army with swords, bayonets, and other sharp objects (unless the opposing army is armed only with sharp words).

Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks.

A brick could be used to enslave humanity. No wait, a brick can’t do that—but the Masons can.

I’ll tear down the wall between us—and tear down the walls of your life.” Then you might try offering him a cheese sandwich.

A blanket could be used as Concealment Revealer. It both conceals and reveals, like great dialogue. Here’s some great dialogue I wrote for two characters, Mr. Brick, and Ms. Blanket: Mr. Brick: I like your...

A blanket could be used to warn your enemy that you are coming—and that you are warm. Where’s the cold war when you need it?

A brick could be used as a bowling ball. With how bad I bowl, a rectangle ball couldn’t possibly hurt my score, because in bowling you can’t get a lower score than zero

Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.

A beer bottle on a stick, like a broom, is less for cleaning and more for distance drinking. My floor is so filthy I’ll drink twelve.

When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls.

A brick could be affixed to each end of an axle, for an example of transportation in a pre-wheel society.

A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do...

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around, I’d get out of there immediately.

Pepperonis are like edible polkadots. I made you a pizza dress, but I’m ashamed to admit I burned it. I’m afraid you’ll have to dance naked.

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

A brick could be used to sell new shoes to a man with no hands. I would say a brick could be used to sell a handless man new gloves, but that’s a bit of...

Dromedary resting.

Your toaster’s a puff.

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

A brick could be used to start your car, if your car’s keys are cube-shaped and huge. You know what else cube-shaped and huge? That’s right—my penis sheath.

A blanket could be used to foil slave traders. But so could tinfoil and leftover meatloaf. Geez, the whole Civil War could have been avoided if only Lincoln had known that little trick.

A blanket, as the epitome of warmth, could be used to stop colds. Also, sex with me might be the surest way to prevent a cold.

With one blanket, you and I could wrap up like a burrito. Yum. And if you want melted cheese, just fart a bit.

A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sounds, because I’ll be the band’s lead singer, and my sexy voice is like melted butter on a corn on...

A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself.

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.

A brick could be used to help America make money. Trust me, this is smarter than letting a central bank like the Federal Reserve make all the money.

I am the burrito wrapped up in a blanket. Eat my warmth.

A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you, which is good for me, and bad for you.

A blanket could be used to not only make promises, but fulfill them too. They’re so soft and warm, how could they not be used in this manner?

I cross country ski on conveyer belts covered with shaved ice. People trying to check out at the grocery store need to show more respect for serious athletes.

You don’t need batteries for an introduction. Buy my Networking in a Box today and see for yourself. (Handshakes sold separately.)

I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder.

I love you,” say nothing. Just grab a brick, cradle it with both hands like a kitten, and hold it out to the other person. Whether you want the other person to leave, or whether...

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

The Man With A Green Apple For A Nose.” This is not a joke.

And in the movement of the sun, I felt something I hardly know how to name: some huge, cosmic love. 

Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!