A brick could be used to keep warm, and a blanket could be used to build a house.

All that separated our love lives was one wall, and I was peeping through it. I was wearing Tom’s nametag, so why shouldn’t I act like him?

I’ll wear a maze on a necklace, dangling over my chest, because if you want to get at my heart, you have to be ready to lose yourself.

There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.

A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the same population (the brick may have one less person), and Grandma Kintz makes...

A brick, in the hands of a Mason, could be used to cover up and hide a secret handshake.

A brick could be used to aid the lonely. Carry it with you, converse with it, and if you drink enough, you can even make love to it.

Knocking on a door is so violent. Talk on the door. Try to get it to open up through communication, not violence.

Yellow flowers are like physical manifestations of sunlight. I’m growing a garden of sunglasses just to help save eyesight and make the world a little bit cooler.

A brick could be used to prop up a wobbly table—or an unstable relationship. I wish I’d have thought of that before I got divorced.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

…only think a moment that we are here now, and that that was then, and it has come to this, and how odd, odd, odd it is!

Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where...

The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

A brick could be used to encourage trees to grow fruitful things like money. If money grew on trees, then I’d get drunk on that fermentation.

A brick could be used as gift for the man who has everything. Here’s a tip: that man doesn’t have everything, because I just stole his wallet. But I can’t very well give him a...

A brick could be used to silence your critics. Think of it like a really thick and unchewy piece of chewing gum.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

A brick could be used as a weight to keep the cardboard cutout of the Federal Government from blowing over. Well, at least unless a hurricane gets here, which would mean the government knocked down...

leadership” in Washington DC—on both sides of the political spectrum.

I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add another blanket on top of my bed. I practice inefficiency even while I sleep, so I’ll be...

A brick could be licked, like a cat’s asshole. But obviously inversed, because your tongue is soft and the brick is rough.

A blanket could be used to communicate with dolphins. Be quiet! I’m trying to talk to the swimming mammals.

I shit bricks, because I’m a constructive pooper.

A brick could used to translate and transform long cuneiform texts into shorter tweets. Sure, just take the brick and smash the clay tablets, and each broken fragment should be roughly 140 characters.

I put out the Gary call, but only two Gregs and a Susan came. Oh well, if they don’t want to snuggle, I suppose I’ll just sell my surplus supply.

Happy Birthday.

A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who might consider this a tasty treat compared to what they normally eat.

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door...

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

You wash the horse, and I’ll wash the horse trainer. Then we’ll wash the dishes while we gallop into the sunset like two dirty lovers.

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.

Nothing Is Strange

My images were surreal simply in the sense that my vision brought out the fantastic dimension of reality. My only aim was to express reality, for there is nothing more surreal than reality itself. If...

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

A brick could be used to teach men how to dance, by learning balance. But a blanket could also teach men how to dance, by providing motivation to get good so they can get some...

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big. Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is.

A blanket could be used to create another way. There is no other way but to make another way. We simply must!

A blanket provides warmth. So does the joy a good joke brings.

I’ll weave the waves into a sea blanket of goodbye.

A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too...

The wall of silence that exists between us is as long as the Great Wall of China. And though it’s the same length, our wall is about two bricks quieter.

I vacuumed my piano, hoping to soak up the last of the concertos. I should sell musical sponges, for the lover in the kitchen in all of us.