It’s much easier for me to be silly than it is to be serious on soap opera.

She was washing all the dishes by hand, so I bought her a machine. I bought her a lawnmower. That’s what you do when you’re in love.

I want to buy you a pair of YAP, or Yellow Admiration Pants (they have no crotch), and have you talk dirty to me.

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.

I love three women—Agatha, Christy, and Agatha Christie.

I sing like a flower, and I dance like a tree. Let us make love like an overflowing cup of coffee.

I’ve got a lot of love to give you. And by you I mean your clone.

Love is an award you win by losing—or giving it away. Trophies collect dust, but love is the ultimate prize.

We spent the whole evening conversing like I was mute and she was deaf. I didn’t talk and she didn’t listen, and that’s what made me think we might be in love.

Spoken often enough, words become [became] nonsense.

Do a loony-goony dance ‘Cross the kitchen floor, Put something silly in the world That ain’t been there before.

I don’t drink to make others look better, I just drink to make myself feel prettier.

I am Fried Quiero Loud Babcock (not bad cock), and I am here for the ranch dressing your father promised my father, 53 years ago. Kindly pour some on my salad and I’ll be on...

Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy.

Broccoli, it’s what’s for breakfast. This morning let us make love like we’re both still asleep. I’ll hit the snooze if you find the lube.

The ground is to far away, why can’t we raise it up?

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.

Today I had to cut my Silent and Still Statue Demonstration Ceremony short due to wind conditions. Tonight I’ll make love like a tornado.

What does it say about me that I don’t say much? It doesn’t say I love you, and that’s sad, because when I ignore you, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.

I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover.

The woman I love rolled through town yesterday, and she didn’t even stop her wheelchair once as she passed through. I got so angry I had to walk it off.

If a friend starts behaving silly because you bother him so much, don’t worry, you’re not the first person, he has got a sting in his stomach, an hunger that causes an epidemic hatred.

I’m a voracious reader, and I like to explore all sorts of writing without prejudice and without paying any attention to labels, conventions or silly critical fads.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

Love is like a tall tree standing next to a midget. Well, it was like that, before it just walked away, leaving the midget just standing there, looking taller than normal.

Underwater nobody can dance. Let this be a lesson in basket weaving. And love.

Love is missing your flight because you have a train to catch. I also have a football to catch.

My love is fountainesque. Is your body drinkable?

He met her because I didn’t show up that day and he went in my place. If they get married, I should be the best man. I am Invisible Cupid, so where’s my monument to...

I’d drink from a hose, but I wouldn’t drink from a horse. I have other ways of showing I love you.

In between bites of banana, Mr. Remora would tell stories, and the children would write the stories down in notebooks, and every so often there would be a test. The stories were very short, and...

Hello, Mrs. Tran…I have David’s homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you’ll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.

Arub…might need a rub…later.

Several famous people have licked my nipples. Well, indirectly. First they licked the stamps, and then I peeled them off the letters and stuck them on my nipples.

Your love story, I don’t want to give away the ending, but both you and your lover die.

I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself.

You can think about gloves. You can think about snuvs. You can think a long time about snuvs and their gloves.

We’re all somewhere 1-100 in love. I’m always 100.

If you don’t learn how to drown, you won’t learn how to love.

My love smells like an empty mayonnaise jar. It ought to, because that’s where I store it. Coincidentally, my love also looks and tastes like mayonnaise.

A few years ago I dropped off the face of the earth. Then I came back the next day to pick it up. Unfortunately, it was stained red with love.

My love is a flower. If you’d call that romantic, I’d agree and say it would look great on your grave.

One of the great things about wrestling is how it interrogates this silly idea that you have one authentic self.

Can I quote myself…? Oh wait, I think I just did.

If God had wanted us to judge other people, we’d all have been born with silly wigs.

Why go to remote parts of the world? If they’re remote, just turn them on and watch them on your couch.

Which college?”Hmm?”Which college do you go to?’Fletcher nodded. ‘Yes.”I’m sorry?”Oh,’ Fletcher said, and laughed.Valkyrie’s parents looked at Fletcher in near bewilderment. Fletcher looked back at them in total bewilderment. Valkyrie shook her head.

Yes, I am.” I’m the kind of lover who’d wear a unicycle to a tricycle convention for hitchhikers.

The day my dad left my mom and I was the second saddest day of my life. The saddest day was the next day, when he returned home.