I love you” isn’t romantic. Still, I get credit for rowing, right?

Holding hands with your lover is special, especially when that hand is plastic, and that lover is a mannequin.

I loved her like the sun raining down on my skin. It was all so confusing, because was it raining or was it sunny? The answer is that love is always both, and that’s why...

Why donate to a sperm bank when you can deposit it directly in different women? When you love the world you try to seed it, like a porn farmer.

If the Baudelaire orphans had been stalks of celery, they would not have been small children in great distress, and if they had been lucky, Carmelita Spats would have not approached their table at this...

Oh, no” Emily laughed .”No, I don’t know what that is.

The “silly” question is the first intimation of some totally new development

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.

Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

I drink coffee like other men paint pictures of naked women. I do it because I love the full body.

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

While they had security escort me out of the building, they couldn’t forcibly remove the trophy from my anus. If love were a competition, I’d be the winner.

I called her Nebraska, because she was from Iowa. We made love like the Midwest. Well, not all of it. More like the Midwest minus Kansas, if you know what I mean.

You promoted me for my ruthless stubbornness and dog-headed determination, not my tech savvy. Plus, I’m a damn good shot.

The best things in life are silly.

The pull between us is electric. I feel it instantly when I meet his eyes. It’s almost tangible. I find myself wanting to hurl myself into his body, and curl up, possibly never to leave....

The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work...

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter.

I love love, I hate hate, and I’m indifferent about indifference.

I like you, and I, like you, love me.

We ate soup in the pouring rain. I said I liked it, even though it was a bit too watery for my taste. Then we made love like two rainbows sizzling in a pan like...

I farted like a pack of crying onions. That was my response to her I love you.

I’ve been in silly movies and romantic movies and historic movies.

Forgive me….I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

There are only a few things that are more entertaining than watching a cat trying to run across a freshly waxed wood floor after a ball.

I always wear roller skates when I ride my bicycle. The more wheels the better, and that’s what makes me a better lover. You know you want to go for a spin. I’ll bring the...

I don’t want to work a 9-5 job, because 20 hours a day is just too much.

My two legs are like one pretzel when I sit on the floor. If only love were so intertwined.

I knew we were destined to be lovers from the moment she tied me up and stuffed me in the trunk of her car.

I often confuse fog and mist. But one is not the other any more than either are either. Let this be a lesson in love.

I’d lick the water out of your bathtub, just to prove I love you—and that I’m not a cat.

If life has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what you should do, you should love. Even if you’re in the process of murdering someone, possibly a politician, your heart should be filled with...

Vanessa Sky Ellis scours the streets of NYC looking for celebrities to take selfies with, while I scrounge up quarters to try to buy love out of vending machines. I have had sex with more...

Look!” Mr. Poe said, who was still too far to help but close enough to see. “Genghis has an eye tattoo, like Count Olaf! In fact, I think he IS Count Olaf!””Of course he is!”...

No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately.

Ok.. So are you goin’a let him bluetube your tweeter?

Somebody left a pair of baby shoes on a bench. I would have taken them home, if only they weren’t too big for my feet.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He’s a loser—that’s why he’s number two.

I belong, and my penis, it be long.

The Sweater Song.” Cats find that song very cleansing.

We made love like steam meets mist. My memory is foggy, but I know I inhaled her essence like smoke.

In my dreams, my spare penis was decomposing in my closet, and to me it was a symbol of our love.

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

I just yawned. Now that is exciting. Almost as thrilling as making love to me thirty minutes after I’ve fallen asleep.

I dare us to give up – maybe we’ll reach nirvana by the time we’re sixty.