With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?

I measured the length of my hand today, and just as I thought, it’s exactly as long as my other hand. I was so excited I started clapping.

I’ll write The Art Of Love, which will be tactical, like The Art Of War.

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.

These are the words of a fool: I am happy to be a fool, for i won’t spend my time gazing at lines difficult to decipher, while my mates are drinking with glee.

Stupid fate, you suck ass.

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money.

I tried doing the head-bang they were doing and banged my head with the table several times before I understood that I shouldn’t be doing that.

If the Baudelaire orphans had been stalks of celery, they would not have been small children in great distress, and if they had been lucky, Carmelita Spats would have not approached their table at this...

Oh, no” Emily laughed .”No, I don’t know what that is.

Thought for the day: Twitter…140 character limit…must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers…

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

I’m not interested in age. People who tell me their age are silly. You’re as old as you feel.

She wasn’t much for words, but she told me she loved me in other ways, like showing me her main superpower—invisibility. I often wouldn’t see her for weeks straight, and for her to show me...

Yesterday I shat rainbows until my anus started bleeding from a unicorn’s horn. Ah, the joys of being in love.

I love you” isn’t romantic. Still, I get credit for rowing, right?

Holding hands with your lover is special, especially when that hand is plastic, and that lover is a mannequin.

I loved her like the sun raining down on my skin. It was all so confusing, because was it raining or was it sunny? The answer is that love is always both, and that’s why...

Why donate to a sperm bank when you can deposit it directly in different women? When you love the world you try to seed it, like a porn farmer.

You promoted me for my ruthless stubbornness and dog-headed determination, not my tech savvy. Plus, I’m a damn good shot.

The best things in life are silly.

The “silly” question is the first intimation of some totally new development

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.

Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

I drink coffee like other men paint pictures of naked women. I do it because I love the full body.

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.

While they had security escort me out of the building, they couldn’t forcibly remove the trophy from my anus. If love were a competition, I’d be the winner.

I called her Nebraska, because she was from Iowa. We made love like the Midwest. Well, not all of it. More like the Midwest minus Kansas, if you know what I mean.

Forgive me….I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel.

The pull between us is electric. I feel it instantly when I meet his eyes. It’s almost tangible. I find myself wanting to hurl myself into his body, and curl up, possibly never to leave....

The Nile is famous for overflowing like my love. How fertile is your valley?

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work...

A string of burglaries is a crime necklace. Everything I have can be stolen except love, because I give it all away.

She’ll come to love me or she won’t. I’m a fisherman, not a hunter.

I love love, I hate hate, and I’m indifferent about indifference.

I like you, and I, like you, love me.

We ate soup in the pouring rain. I said I liked it, even though it was a bit too watery for my taste. Then we made love like two rainbows sizzling in a pan like...