A blanket could be used as a Portable Night Generator. Just stretch it over your head, blocking your eyes from the sun in the sky, and voila! Nighttime.

A blanket could be used as a TV screen. How? No—why? Even better—why not? Why not wrap yourself up in your favorite TV shows and let the screen warm your body and soul?

A blanket could be used to stop terrorism. Unless that terrorist has a small knife, or really sharp teeth, and is able to chew through the cloth separating him from our American freedom.

A blanket could be used to say I’m sorry without using words, gestures, body language, facial expressions, or telepathy. I’ve always thought it was better to show than tell anyway, so I hope you can...

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a...

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!

A brick could be used to help you keep your job. Just hold it down, man.

A brick could be used in a manner most secret. But Shh! I can’t tell you. What part about secret don’t you understand?

A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash out your filthy mouth. Scrub it clean, you scatological talker you.

A brick could be used as a scapegoat. But don’t blame the brick. The brick didn’t kill my mother-in-law. It was merely the instrument I utilized in showing her how much I loved her.

I have to put up a wall to put up with him. Not an invisible, metaphoric emotional wall, but a wall made of bricks. Those bricks could be used to keep out his bullshit. Bricks...

One day I realized a new found superpower was bestowed upon me. I could walk straight on sidewalks.

An author named Arthur Arthurson would write about art, love, and road kill in Kenya. And I’d read him because I’m a meat eater and car enthusiast.

I like food.

A blanket could be used as a tarp over one of those tiny circular inflatable pools for children. Well, you might call it a tarp, but I’d call it a trap. But I’ve already tried...

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.

A brick could be used to soften resistance. Smash the opposition into a pulp!

Random search for data on … off-chance is hardly scientific. A questionnaire on ‘Intellectual Immoralities’ was circulated by a well-known institution. ‘Intellectual Immorality No. 4’ read: ‘Generalizing beyond one’s data’. [Wilder Dwight] Bancroft asked whether...

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

A brick could be flipped over and turned endlessly. But it still won’t start your car.

A blanket could be used as an American flag. It could keep the world warm with its patronizing patriotism and imperialism.

In between bites of banana, Mr. Remora would tell stories, and the children would write the stories down in notebooks, and every so often there would be a test. The stories were very short, and...

You should go into every relationship as a brick and not a blanket.

I love the fashion which is out of fashion.

Psht, as if. You and what army could possibly rescue her from my clutches? -JEN

Insane means fewer cameras!

A brick could be sawed in half and each half glued under the back of a shoe to form high heels.

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?

A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad dreams? I’ll bet your mom gave them to Good Will.

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.

A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it on fire.

A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor.

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

A karate black belt would make a great blindfold on a kidnap victim, after you karate chop them into submission.

A brick could be used to tell time. And just between you and me, I hope that brick tells time to go to hell.

A brick could be used to raise your status as an upstanding citizen. Don’t get too excited, though. It’ll only raise you up about three inches.

A brick could be thrown, like a football, only instead of a wide receiver, I’d recommend sending out a politician to catch your pass.

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

My mom gave me life, so I gave her batteries. AA batteries.

Mr. Williquosi, I didn’t mean to stab you in your gums with your fork. I was merely trying to spoon-feed you information.

Chopsticks”–only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks.

A blanket could be used to suppress yawns. Just curl up in the technological wonder that is a blanket, lay your head back, and let the miracle of science cure your yawns.

A blanket could be used at the end of meetings, to wrap things up—sort of like a big office burrito of productivity.

A brick and a blanket need a logo, and I’m just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour.

Nothing says work efficiency like panic mode.

I had to admit it was adorable. You know, in a unicorns-farting-out-rainbows kind of way that made me want to hurl.

A blanket could be used to rob a bank. Guns are so Bonnie and Clyde, but a blanket bank robbery has a certain amount of seduction involved. A blanket has a lot more banging involved...

until death do us part” is faster and cheaper than a divorce.