A brick could be used to sell a blanket, in a buy one get one free situation. It doesn’t matter if it’s rubble, if it’s free people want it.

A brick could be used to stop the tears. The inside of my jeans’ pockets look suspiciously like handkerchiefs. Here, let me take off my pants so you can blow your nose.

A blanket could be used to sell ice cream to streakers. Well, it could, if those naked runners didn’t leave their wallets in their pants.

A blanket could be used as a tarp to cover an outdoor swimming pool the size of a bed. As far as training goes, swimming is such a snooze of a sport that I think...

I took a nap and used a napkin as a blanket. Obviously it was a small nap.

A blanket could be used to line the walls of the Love Chamber, to soundproof it so that nobody hears you scream.

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?

A brick could be used to double back, donkey levitate cough meow cough meow hiss on giraffe shaft stroke a local bloke bludgeon Armageddon—not my arm, Sorry, I think I just had a stroke.

A brick could be used to make life easier. Start carrying one around with you everywhere you go, and you’ll see what I mean.

A brick could be used as a cuddle partner. Just glue some fur on it and voila! It’s as good as snuggling with any dead animal you find on the side of the highway. (Which...

A brick could be used in conjunction with another brick to be the Democrat and Republican Presidential candidates. People will say, Vote for the brick on the left, or, The brick on the right is...

If you come by my place, you might see a wheelbarrow full of broken bricks. I broke them with my fist. I was practicing for your face.

His first name is Brooks, but his last name isn’t. His last name is Wrinkled, unlike his shirt (he isn’t wearing one).

I always wear roller skates when I ride my bicycle. The more wheels the better, and that’s what makes me a better lover. You know you want to go for a spin. I’ll bring the...

I remember the first time I fogged up your astronaut’s helmet. That night we made space like outer love. But I kept it cool like Coors Light in the fridge, even though I felt heavy...

A brick could be wrapped in plastic and sold individually to toddlers as toys. (Warning: Bricks can be harmful if swallowed. If ingested, please contact a physician first, and then the manager of a circus.)

A brick could be used to smash my bottled up rage, and a blanket could be laid down beforehand to catch the shards.

A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and really make your house not only feel like a home, but less drafty...

My melon soulCrushed by your Gallagher of apathy

A brick could be used to create a new society, a perfect society, where there is no inequality, there are no laws, and most importantly, there are no people.

A blanket could be used to offset things likely to set you off. When you start to get hot, just wrap yourself in a warm blanket until you’re comforted and you cool down.

A brick could be used to start a civil war. And then that same brick could be used to start building the country up again after everything is destroyed.

I can grow a pair.

I’d much rather a monkey throws a blanket instead of a brick.

It ain’t polite to taste people. Shit.

Never be too confident or doubtful when everything is uncertain in life.

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

A blanket could be used to aid a sinner’s nightly prayer. I’m not shaking because I’m cold—I’m trembling with trepidation over the Wrath of God.

A blanket could be used for anti-population-control purposes. Get naked and get under the blanket and I’ll show you how it works.

A blanket could be used to tell you exactly what I mean, at precisely the moment I don’t mean it. When I say go, Don’t!

A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.

A blanket could be used as a spy, because if you need to blend in and go under cover, what’s better than a banket?

I don’t need a blanket. I need your naked body on top of me.

A brick could be used as one ingredient on the greedy Cake of Love. Other ingredients include: Everything.

A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the brick and pretending everything will work itself out is not going to transform it into a wall.

A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I’m proof that it works. It’s how I managed to get second to last in my last race.

A brick is a fraction of a building, and a brick is like a building—if you’re like an ant.

A brick could be used to save humanity from mortality. Or at least save us from mortar.

A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night.

A brick could be used as a key to unlock a door disguised as a brick wall. The security in the lock lies not with a one-of-a-kind key, but with a key that looks like...

Blankets could be used to stop exponential population growth. If we kept the people warm, maybe they wouldn’t try to heat themselves up through continual fornication.

I’d like to tweeze all the Tuesdays of the year, and all the Mondays off my chest.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

Politics.

I sleep with an astronaut’s helmet on my head, just in case I get into a high-speed crash with space during the middle of the night.

A brick could be exchanged for a bar of gold. But be sure you wait until the owner of the gold isn’t looking before you make the switch.

A brick could be used to commit genocide on a small patch of grass, if you lay the brick down on the lawn and leave it there long enough. But I do not condone this...

I was not dressed crazily – I was dressed as a horse. And for a very logical and sane reason.