Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

We need to get rid of the Federal Elections Commission. It’s a joke. It doesn’t enforce the law.

People tend to take things spoken as a joke seriously and things spoken seriously as a joke.

Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke.

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset...

Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was...

This is a wonderful joke to play upon a prisoner, to promise forgiveness.

Yo Mama’s like mustard, she spreads easy.

The year that Rutherford died (1938) there disappeared forever the happy days of free scientific work which gave us such delight in our youth. Science has lost her freedom. Science has become a productive force....

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.

Ever been expecting guests for a dinner party & had to clear up a massive LEGO space-station before they arrived? (Who needs kids to play?!)

I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

Sometimes When You Are Serious, People Thought You Were Joking, But Sometimes When You Are Joking, People Thought You Were Serious

Pity, I’ve learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can’t stand anyone else’s.

I legit can not parallel park. This is no joke!

Just don’t ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we’ll get along great.

There have to be some boundaries. The butt of the joke cannot be God or the prophet or the religion itself. I’m very careful about sacrilegious humor. I’m not a shock comic who’s going to...

And it’s Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke…

Everyone born is on the field of life’s game, but not everyone does wear the jersey of vision! Some people are fair players and others are injury causers; you joke with the later and they...

If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

It was just a boy’s name, … Even in the movie, (the name Madison is) a joke. She named herself after Madison Avenue. But that’s where it comes from.

Time is ticking, and your online twinkling is limited.

When I was coaching with the Patriots, the players pulled a practical joke and I said, ‘Do you think I’m Charlie the Tuna, like a sucker?’ After that, they called me Tuna.

Sometimes you feel as though you’ve slandered yourself, but the joke’s on them.

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn’t stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the...

I used to joke that it was an off week for me,

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

Everyone’s in on the joke as it were,

In the end, perhaps we should simply imagine a joke; a long joke that’s continually retold in an accent too thick and strange to ever be completely understood. Life is that joke my friends. The...

Puns are just another form of sarcasm, which may or may not make you – smile, giggle, or laugh.

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

Never ever make a joke to the police, they have no sense of humour. Never make a political joke, it will always be considered an insult. Always remember that umbrage can be taken by the...

Laugh until you cry;never let your eyes look dryThis is not a matter of joke;this is all to provokeour sense of humourLife is its own consumer!

Its crazy when people of high moral standards, feel its okay for an intimate friend to insult them in a jovial way, forgeting that even casual friends can do just the same in a jovial...

Getting some redecorating ideas?’ Nico asked. ‘Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.’ Hades arched an eyebrow. ‘I can never tell when you’re joking.

What’s cool about Twitter is that you can make a joke about something very of-the-moment or random that I wouldn’t be able to joke about in stand-up.

The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a joke – the fact that Madonna is in before Rush and Kiss. Those two bands have influenced so many groups and people other than in metal.

What is the meaning of having more than one wife when threesome is not allowed?

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it’s to ask if everything is ok.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

I was not born with English in my pocket.

When you’re going for a joke, you’re stuck out there if it doesn’t work. There’s nowhere to go. You’ve done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you’re out on the end of the...

For years and years, I was beset with snide remarks by certain members of the press, where they would turn John Oates into a joke, or they would trivialize what I do, which never really...

There was a seminar for advanced students in Zürich that I was teaching and von Neumann was in the class. I came to a certain theorem, and I said it is not proved and it...

The joke about SAP has always been, it’s making ’50s German manufacturing methodology, implemented in 1960s software technology, delivered to 1970-style manufacturing organizations, like, it’s really – yeah, the incumbency – they are still the...

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone’s been on a 747.

Existentialists are monumentally and monotonously serious; they don’t like to joke.

At my urgent request the Curie laboratory, in which radium was discovered a short time ago, was shown to me. The Curies themselves were away travelling. It was a cross between a stable and a...