Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me

Happiness is a big joke; let us laugh at it loud.

Don’t stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?””Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are.””What about mummies? Do they only hang...

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they...

It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.

As far as he could discover, there were no signs of spring. The decay that covered the surface of the mottled ground was not the kind in which life generates. Last year, he remembered, May...

Sorry, no professionals.

Even if it’s a really funny joke, don’t laugh if the devil’s the one telling it!

I told Ersken, “Lately it’s been like living on the knife’s edge, never knowing which side I’ll fall off on”Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. “Cheer up, Beka. Maybe...

John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I saw two birds having dangerously kinky sex on the main road, while several cars ran above them just missing the sparrows’ toss and tumble fly away. The couple survived to try it again next...

What? It worked for the Fallen Angels.

lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the...

Have you heard the joke about the chemist, physicist and economist who get wrecked on a desert isle, with a huge supply of canned baked beans as their only food? The chemist says that he...

I’m not much of a joke writer.

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

I myself am convinced that the theory of evolution, especially to the extent to which it has been applied, will be one of the greatest jokes in the history books of the future. Posterity will...

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.

He and I have a neat rapport. He was trying to set up a deal where, if he broke the state record by 120 points, I’d have to shave my head. We joke around a...

We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of ‘proving theorems.’ Is a writer’s job mainly that of ‘writing sentences?

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. ‘I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but...

Fuck it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just “fuck it, man.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.

You might like it as a joke or because you liked it then, but there isn’t a whole new generation discovering Wham!.

I didn’t pretend to know Eli at all, but even so, I’d noticed that his manner was slightly hard to read. It was something in the way he talked that made it difficult to tell...

Happy endings. *Groan*

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

Once I knew what I was doingI was there and with it;I had the total knowing.I Googled God and orgasmedAt the amount of Gods andMonsters out there posted about.

As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting,...

Don’t let your teeth make you lose respect by permanently keeping them opened for the sake of being friendly.

It’s hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

I ain’t apologizing for anything, especially if it’s a joke.

She Bangs.” It won’t be about a sexually loose woman, but rather it will be a knock-knock joke.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

We need to get rid of the Federal Elections Commission. It’s a joke. It doesn’t enforce the law.

People tend to take things spoken as a joke seriously and things spoken seriously as a joke.

Perhaps you are Coyote in disguise and have chosen a spectacularly inappropriate time for a joke.

The apex of mathematical achievement occurs when two or more fields which were thought to be entirely unrelated turn out to be closely intertwined. Mathematicians have never decided whether they should feel excited or upset...

Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was...

This is a wonderful joke to play upon a prisoner, to promise forgiveness.

Yo Mama’s like mustard, she spreads easy.

The year that Rutherford died (1938) there disappeared forever the happy days of free scientific work which gave us such delight in our youth. Science has lost her freedom. Science has become a productive force....

I don’t even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell.