How hard can it be to find a girl and an elephant for Christ’s sake?

My life is measured into two distinct phases . . . BC is before cellulite and AC is for after cellulite. Sad but so true!

Put down that bottle and pickup an Oreo instead…you”ll live longer! #JustSaying

Mister Rob Anybody and sundry others?” said one of the figures in a dreadful voice.”There’s naebody here o’ that name!” shouted Rob Anybody. “We dinna know anythin’!””We have here a list of criminal and civil...

The only enemy which stands between the talent you posses and success you achieve is known as “EGO” in our Society

True Relations never break and relation which breaks were never true

If that phone ain’t ringing, I assume it still ain’t you” Randy Travis

Life plots elegantly.

Sorry,” I said. There was little healing power in the word, but maybe the Inspectre wasn’t looking to heal. Maybe he didn’t want someone to fix it. It had been broken too long for me...

Mama said there would be days like this.She never said it would be day after day,after day!~ Unknown

In my opinion, the person who created the torture device called gym class should be clobbered with an enormous frozen cucumber. Not to mention, the person who decided it would be a great idea to...

Be generous with your smile and try not to frown.And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺

Casting my eyes on Mr. Wemmick as we went along, to see what he was like in the light of day, I found him to be a dry man, rather short in stature, with a...

There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I’m taking a break from it tonight. I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

The cup flew out of my hands and my God was it beautiful. I wish the Planet Earth video crew were there to film it at 100 frames per second so that we could watch...

What are you working on?” Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn’t know what she did with the notes, but it bothered...

Consistently sporadic and sporadically consistent. That’s me.

How many more nights and weird mornings can this terrible shit go on? How long can the body and the brain tolerate this doom-struck craziness? This grinding of teeth, this pouring of sweat, this pounding...

Elsa’s joke Where do baby apes sleep? In apricots!

If somebody tells me what to do, I will do my best not to do it.

Isolde took a swig. “It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not. Your government just gave you two months to get knocked up.” She held up the bottle, her face dull and red. “Cheers.”...

But I’m really enjoying my retirement. I get to sleep in every day. I do crossword puzzles and eat cake.

[Like they say,] small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

Is this spirited man the cook?” she shouted. “Are you responsible for this delightful feast? What a piece of luck! … What is it you say, Mr. Apples?””Like shittin’ with the pope.””No, the other thing,...

Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.

Writing is a wonderful way to spend the day. Particularly when the alternative is housework!

[Mrs. Allen was] never satisfied with the day unless she spent the chief of it by the side of Mrs. Thorpe, in what they called conversation, but in which there was scarcely ever any exchange...

What is even happening here?” Will said, looking to each of us and the back to wherever the cougars had wandered off to.”Am I drunk? Hanna, they just pinched my ass and this one”- he...

It’s all your fault, Mother,’ said Larry austerely; ‘you shouldn’t have brought us up to be so selfish.’ ‘I like that!’ exclaimed Mother. ‘I never did anything of the sort!’ ‘Well, we didn’t get as...

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

Why do the best things always happen to other people and not to a promising writer?

I’d have taken ’em out. My whole body is a weapon.

Then the Miller fell off his horse.

So where does the name Adam’s apple come from? Most people say that it is from the notion that this bump was caused by the forbidden fruit getting stuck in the throat of Adam in...

Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Humility” If you don’t have it, you’re gonna get it.

When dreaming is better than reality we’re livingWhat’s the sense of waking up in a nightmare?

The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed.” Winnifred Crane

Am I higher or lower than she? It was always the vital question for Anna: who was superior, and how she could position herself so that she would be perceived as superior?

And watch your tongue. I happen to be partial to humans – most, anyway. Clowns, not so much. Those evil bastards never stop smiling.”Niccolo didn’t know what these “clowns” were, but he made a mental...

Lucian. She’s not normal. She’s got the sex drive of Ursula. I’m so ashamed to say I’ve faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor’s excuse! ~Steve~

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

He done his level best.Was he a mining on the flat..He done it with a zest..Was he a leading of the choir..He done his level best.If he’d a reg’lar task to do,He never took no...

Birds are waterproof.

He then reaches a new low. Without warning, he is suddenly set upon by a bear.

Josh is the company tech expert, which means we all think he’s a little bit shaman, a little bit magician, and mostly a nerd.

Don’t follow your heart if you can’t keep a beat

What’s the fuckin’ difference between leggings and tights?

They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.

Des créatures crasseuses et méchantes, brutales, parfaitement stupides, qui vivent dans le sang, la haine et leurs propres excréments. Ils s’agglutinent là, dans la nuit, comme de grosses mouches à merde autour de vitrines de...