Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.

Today was my forty-fifth birthday. Impending old age and a problem marriage were staring me in the face. Not a good place to be. I figured that right now, I had two choices — crawl...

Loving Reading Hot Books w/ Hot Guys!!!#hotguys #goodbooks

This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.

He downed the last of his coffee, carried his mug over to the pot, poured himself a refill, and returned to the table.Why, yes, thank you, I’d love some more coffee. Hmmm, Narcisstic Personality Disorder?...

Sightseeing?” suggested the Female.

It was the ship of dreams to everyone else.

Right at the flamingo orgy! Left at the multiethnic roof Santas! Straight past the pissing cherubs!

The South: Three-wheeled Piggly Wiggly shopping carts, grease-caked engine blocks, baby strollers with shredded black hoods, Soviet rocket parts, human skulls on spikes and orange-eyed Rottweilers on heavy chains breathing fire…

If the ties that bind ever do come looseIf forever ever ends for youIf that ring gets a little too tightYou might as well read me my last rights.

When someone says “just saying” what they really mean is, “You would be a colossal idiot to not take my advice.” (on Facebook)

Pantheism is sexed-up atheism. Deism is watered-down theism.

Uh…no.

It was as if God himself saw that my intention was to make my outer self match my inner fabulosity and didn’t think the world could handle such an explosion of amazingness. So instead of...

Feeling old? Remember, you will never again be as young as your are today.

Although I wouldn’t mind handcuffing you.”Oh. My. God.

First we crawl. Later we crawl on broken glass.

Do we have a hand mirror?’ I asked from the kitchen doorway.’Never use one,’ said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream.’Naturally, you’re a male. What you see is what you’ve got,’...

People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need people.

Karma: I know I’ve seen this man someplace before.Artie (as McGuffey): Considering some of the places I frequent lady that’s a comprising remark!Wild Wild West TV Season 1Night of the Flaming Ghost

Have and show motivation to do and learn. That’s the key for a good career. Everything else is an extrapolation of that.

Time change – Moments don’t.

I bet she thought she was getting into a fight with a vanilla wafer on roller skates but little did she know she was getting into a fight with a spider sandwich.

Wit is so shining a quality that everybody admires it, most people aim at it, all people fear it and few love it unless in themselves. A man must have a good share of wit...

Who doesn’t? What comes out of human noses is disgusting…

Writers don’t get mad they get even in their novels.

The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening.

Yes, magnifliant. Magnificent, brilliant, splendid, superb. I could go on.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when i get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

You should go.” “I can’t.” “Because you want to stare at the monster?” Alec’s green eyes blaze, but with a wholly human fire now. “Or because you pity me?” I couldn’t guess which possibility he...

In the middle of the night I am awakened by a sound. I sit up abruptly in bed. I hear it again. It’s music. Wait, it sounds like the ice cream man, in our house....

Fuckstockings!

I like fish,” chirruped Tunstell.”Really, Mr. Tunstell? What is your preferred breed?””Well”–Tunstell hesitated–“you know, the um, ones that”–he made a swooping motion with both hands–“uh, swim.

Living on pills, phone calls unmade, people unseen, pages unwritten, money unmade, pressure piling up all around to make some kind of breakthrough and get moving again. Get the gum off the rails, finish something,...

Not planned… Hoped for maybe, but not planned. I’m a guy. I pretty much always think sex might be an option.

When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account…

But unless we determine to take action,’ said the old man querulously, as if struggling against something deeply insouciant in his nature, ‘then we shall all be destroyed, we shall all die. Surely we care...

She had been a teenager once, and she knew that, despite the apparent contradictions, a person’s teenage years lasted well into their fifties.

If you don’t succeed the first time – you’re about average

No one plays Bass guitar. Everyone says “Oh yeah I play guitar” strum strum

John and I have made this stuff our hobby, in the way that an especially attractive prisoner makes a hobby out of not getting raped. Jesus, that’s a terrible analogy. I apologize. What I’m saying...

There is a cookie trail of all my interests lodged in some digital sphere which will one day consolidate the collected data of six billion souls and vomit out—I don’t know—personalized infomercials for deodorant and...

Those who do not complain are never pitied.

Love is a gift. Mine comes in a box that’s shaped like a coffin.

Amen to that, Cousin.” Darcy crashed down to earth, quickly resuming his work

She looked like a head-on collision between a fashion plate and a nightmare.

I`m basically one of the best people I know.

Little mess? You started a freakin’ cave in, you moron. Nice work by the way. Way to keep up international relations. ‘Uh, yeah, hi, I’m Renée, I’m an American. I’m here to, you know, like,...

Of course, you won’t confirm or deny it, which means I’m probably right, since if I was wrong, you’d be gloating about it.

Wait here, Miz Meg, and we’ll holler when we’re undressed and under the covers. We know it don’t bother you seein’ our backsides since you’re a widow and all, but it’d sure bother us… even...