I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven’t found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Every gay man out there has at least one man-crush in his past that totally shriveled his nads into raisins and sent him screaming off into the night.

… It wasn’t my finest moment, but I rolled my eyes and actually huffed. “Fine, don’t answer. I don’t even know why I asked.””No, I am not having sex with anyone.””Oh.” I shrugged nonchalantly, but...

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

If Myrnin pokes his crazy head up before then, call me and try to keep him, you know, stable.”Is he UNstable?”I don’t know, how can I tell? You’re the crazy whisperer!’She had a point. Claire...

Oh, hell. You’re a fairy,” I said. “Yeah,” he said. “You know, they call it ‘being gay’ nowadays, but sure, whatever.

If you were an animal, what would you be?” I wrote, “A bumblebee trying to fuck a marble.

Behind every humorist who delights in knifing hypocrites is a major self-critic.

Down, boy! Couchant! I said couchant! No! Not rampant!

Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so.

Life is same for everyone. The difference is only that some are living by heart and some for only sake of living

Long hair minimizes the need for barbers; socks can be done without; one leather jacket solves the coat problem for many years; suspenders are superfluous.

On a cooler sun on a primordial earth: “I later learned that biologists, when they are feeling jocose, refer to this as the ‘Chinese Resaturant Problem’–because we has a dim sun.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that’s the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Both of you be safe,” Nessa said, looking to Turner. “Welcome to my messed up home, by the way.””Messed up?” Turner asked. “They seem like a loving bunch, all willing to kill each other off....

You might want to lie down,” Magnus advised. “I find that it helps when the crushing sense of horrible realization sets in.

Humor is everywhere, in that there’s irony in just about anything a human does.

Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord.

Raney flipped the book over and looked at the jacket cover, realized it was one of the books Bo had left at her house the first summer he’d been in Quentin–one of the few he...

My gramps is a lot like you. No sense of adventure. All he does is sit in his urn…

Every week seems to bring another luxuriantly creamy envelope, the thickness of a letter-bomb, containing a complex invitation – a triumph of paper engineering – and a comprehensive dossier of phone numbers, email addresses, websites,...

Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn’t believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy....

The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has...

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.

If sex were food, Rhage would haven been morbidly obese.

At least it’s working out because Cheddar is sort of obsessed with me, or at least very interested, which in the world of felines counts as obsessive behavior.

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships.

I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.

You’ve got better boobs,” I acknowledged. And just as we’d done each time we’d had this boobs-versus-legs conversation, we looked down at our chests. Ogled. Compared.

A life is similar to a book. Some chapters are boring,a few emotional, a handful memorable,others saddening,one or two thoughtful and many full of smiles.

For instance, a fireman is a brave fellow! He fears nothing, least ofall fire! Well, the fireman in question, who had gone to make a roundof inspection in the cellars and who, it seems, had...

As long as you’re not ‘gross full,'” Raj said. “That’s when you’re so full that it’s hard to breathe because your stomach is pushing up into your lung region.

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the ‘totality’. The television also told her she wouldn’t age if she bought expensive...

Have you ever heard of a condom? Don’t Carpathians have condoms? Because I’m thinking that if you’re all that worried, a condom might be just the thing.” His smile was slow in coming. “I had...

On the morning in question, she wore white shorts and a pink T-shirt that featured a green dragon breathing a fire of orange glitter. It is difficult to explain how awesome I found this T-shirt...

‎I have panicked unnecessarily in all four corners of the globe.

Well, it all started when I figured out that the janitor at my high school was the Angel of Death…

Thomas has the kind of whiter-than-white boyish grin that makes women’s panties spontaneously evaporate.

Get out of my brain!

Wisdom of the Ages: “The Nativity” The Son of God was born in a manger-not surprising, have you seen the prices of hotel rooms in Bethlehem? Oy Vay! Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah Peace!

Wisdom of the Ages: “Women” Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, “Strong women make strong...

She shook her head as she confessed, “I want it so much, I’m afraid to hope.” “Never be afraid to hope,” Rohan said gently. “It’s the only way to begin.” -Rohan to Win

“I love the movie previews… you know… Why is it whenever you’re watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you’re with? ‘Yeah… I’m not gonna...

Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, ‘Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair...

Shut up, you fool…Really. I’m running out of things to throw at you.

Communist until you get rich. Feminist until you get married. Atheist until the airplane starts falling.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

The main difference between a lawyer and a prostitute is that a prostitute won’t screw you after you’re dead.

She narrowed her eyes and concentrated on his mouth. Name. He wanted her name. She had to think about it for a second before she remembered. Great. She must have hit her head. Which, duh,...