F***ing triffids.

She did not care what a ludicrous picture she might be painting, a fat happy old lady in her night gown, swinging on a small little swing in the dead of the night.

Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the fear & suspicion that one of the characters will start an uncontrollable rebellion.

We fell to wrestling again. We rolled all over the floor, in each other’s arms, like two huge helpless children. He was naked and goatish under his robe, and I felt suffocated as he rolled...

Y’all reporters like my quotes, don’t you. Yeah, my quotes are Shaqalicious.

This is like teaching queer remedial at the continuation high school. You were fishing, and you caught me. Don’t you get that?””Oh, hell no.” Tristan just stared.

I wanted to write in Kitchenese, the secret language of cooks, instantly recognizable to anyone who has ever dunked french fries for a summer job or suffered under the despotic rule of a tyrannical chef...

Living your life is a task so difficult it has never been attempted before.

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours that’s relativity.

It’s easy to remember, because dating rhymes with mating, and they’re almost the same […] So your mom thinks we’re ma– Uh, dating?

Podtyagin considers whether to take offence or not — and decides to take offence.

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped.

Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for 45 minutes.

If history repeats itself, I am so getting a dinosaur!

Like old times… wanna arm wrestle for her?

This is Nimrod, because of whose vile plan the world no longer speaks a single tongue.

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you’re really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on.

The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.

If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary, somewhere between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.

East or West, Home is BestNorth or South, Hand to Mouth

A woman calls from Seaview to say her linen closet is missing. Last September, her house had six bedrooms, two linen closets. She’s sure of it. Now she’s only got one. She comes to open...

One year I went as a pirate, but from then on I went as a hobo. It’s a word you don’t hear anymore. Along with ‘tramp,’ it’s been replaced by ‘homeless person,’ which isn’t the...

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears – of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the...

What’s more, he was going to have a full American breakfast with bacon and eggs, none of this continental bullshit.

Sh!t. F_ck sh!t.’….’Sh!t f_ck would have also been accepted.

I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.

We are flawed creatures with explosive feelings that subconsciously aspire to be non-violent sociopaths.

Oh good Lord. She definitely hadn’t put on enough deodorant for this.

Taggle was absorbed in the meat pie. ‘It’s covered in BREAD,’ he huffed. ‘What fool has covered MEAT with BREAD?

The point of tantric sex was supposedly to harness sexual energy to awaken higher consciousness. It was just like yoga, but way more fun.

When you by nature subscribe to the view that everyone except yourself is a berk or a wanker, it is hard to bond with anybody in any rational common cause.

You earned it. Now, if I can just save your life twenty or thirty more times…We might actually be able to call it even.

Much slower, I turned around to see Vlad examining his fingernails, as if his hands weren’t still ablaze in the flames that had blasted the ghoul’s head off moments before.’what the hell was that?’ I...

Boredom is not black licorice, Snicket,” she said. “There’s no reason to share it with me.

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they’re walking on

Wisdom of the Ages: “True Nobility” Comes not from thinking one is better than others-it comes from working toward the betterment of all.

Tanner: I think that I might kiss you to keep your lips busy with something other than insulting me.Ella: If you think you can do it without getting lost.

Poisons are more my thing

I once asked him why he smoked the world’s most expensive cigarette, and he told me it was because he was a man of wealth and taste, at least according to Mick Jagger.

Two kinds of people always lie about their ages: actresses and Latin American pitchers.

Anything else, Your Majesty?” “I didn’t say my prayers.” “I’ll say them for you. Our father who art in et cetera, bless all the rotten cousins and kill Jenny. Amen.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.

What do you mean, is that it? I just saved his career and the CIA from ruin and he calls me a perfidious ass.””What’s perfidious mean?” Ace asked from the driver’s seat.”You deceived him and...

Jack’s doctors have told him he is crazy… but, the truth is, it’s the Voices who are crazy, not him.

I didn’t do it,’ he insisted.’Then why did you run?’ Sabrina asked.’And send rabbits to eat us! I’m a seven-year-old girl,’ Daphne said. ‘Do you know how important bunny rabbits are to me?

what you knowand don’t deny thatyou don’t knowand knowing thisyou knowwhat and whyyou don’t know.Right?

I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!!

She wasn’t his kind of woman, and she didn’t want to fall in love with a man who would break her heart like a Dorito.

Forget your past,Use your pain;Accept that pain,And Achieve the gain.