If at first you don’t succeed, try to eat a big lunch and take a nap…er wait, no… #badadvice

Accept that some days you’re the bug, and some days you’re going to be the windshield.

I don’t think I’d want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

Chyna Shepherd, untouched and alive and able to pee.

…but as his father used to say when he had a few drinks taken, you couldn’t expect bloody miracles when you were talking about God.

Good taste and humor are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

This must be the most embarrassing moment in my life. I am glad I am too ill to appreciate it fully.

I met a few chimpanzees on my pilgrimages and I wasn’t sure if they were just shrivelled-up villagers or chimps…

It was the job of people like me to make up reasons, to spin a plausible yarn. And it’s amazing what people will believe. Heavy selling out of the Middle East was an old standby....

She batted thoseeyelashes at me so hard I thought I felt a breeze.

Wisdom of the Ages: “Virtual Reality” A fairly plausible explanation for the abundance of Virtual People running around these days.

You already have?

Any idea why there is a giant penis made out of snow in our front yard?”Instead of an answer, I was rewarded with a face full of graham cracker cereal and milk.” – from Of...

So intense was his sexual frustration that it had begun to feel like a life-threatening illness: testicular gout, libidinal gangrene.

I think I’m coming up on the ess curve, so I’m going to hang up and concentrate on driving. In the snow. Which wasn’t supposed to happen until tomorrow afternoon.Gee, Kels, I didn’t know you...

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

It was the study hour. Most of the monks were reading. A few were meditating, an activity that was suspiciously similar to dozing.

You’ll let me put a total stranger’s piss hose in my mouth while my knees scream in agony on the hard floor? Right here in from of everyone? Gosh, such a hard thing to pass...

She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if her favourite nephew wasn’t steeped to the tonsils in the juice of the grape.

The baby, not too young to start knowing the ledge, the cold truth, the life-and-death facts of it all. ‘What kind of heaven is that, you can’t have your records?’ The baby, understanding perhaps it...

Livvy and me together in an elevator for four hours..and we’re good. To some eyes the fact that we’re both alive could be viewed as a minor miracle.

I can do anything a man can do except get a hard-on–and that’s only because I lack the equipment.

At first I’d tried subtlety, but as it happened, Dane’s mind – as fierce and strong and powerful as he was – had about the level of subtlety as a locomotive that went off the...

Jane: “Missy was not so subtly reminding me that she had done something nice for me and here i was being rude when all she was asking me to do was attend a nice party....

I have a constant hungry bum. It’s like my own venus fly trap

It’s Salvation. When Jen told me I had a vision. A vision Rena. I think I saw the blessed mother smiling and she was hold ing a loofa.[In regards to moving out of dorms and...

Chekhov. Well he was a bit of a lad. He had at least two dozen relationships, possibly three; some of them long term; most of the woman wanted to marry him and throughout that time...

If you’re committed, that just means you’re in agreement your undertaking could be your ticket to the asylum.

That scientifically savvy philosopher Daniel Dennett pointed out that evolution counters one of the oldest ideas we have: ‘the idea that it takes a big fancy smart thing to make a lesser thing. I call...

Oh you two look delicious,” Bast said, licking her lips. “No, no-er, I mean wonderful. Now, off you go!

You spit in this?””Yup.”Chris shrugged. “As long as you’re honest.

You can crab over the morning paper and kick the shins of the guy in the next seat at the movies and feel mean and discouraged and sneer at the politicians but there are a...

SHUT UP!…PADLE!

Screw the shops; I want a duty-free office.

No one could honestly say that a musical makes sense.

She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.

Jim: I want you to search every place in this hotel where a crate of dynamite could possibly be stored.Artie: Right. And if I find it?Jim: I’ll arrange for someone to pour cold water over...

The only enemy which stands between the talent you posses and success you achieve is known as “EGO” in our Society

True Relations never break and relation which breaks were never true

If that phone ain’t ringing, I assume it still ain’t you” Randy Travis

Life plots elegantly.

Sorry,” I said. There was little healing power in the word, but maybe the Inspectre wasn’t looking to heal. Maybe he didn’t want someone to fix it. It had been broken too long for me...

Mama said there would be days like this.She never said it would be day after day,after day!~ Unknown

In my opinion, the person who created the torture device called gym class should be clobbered with an enormous frozen cucumber. Not to mention, the person who decided it would be a great idea to...

Be generous with your smile and try not to frown.And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺

Casting my eyes on Mr. Wemmick as we went along, to see what he was like in the light of day, I found him to be a dry man, rather short in stature, with a...

There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I’m taking a break from it tonight. I’ll be back at it tomorrow.

The cup flew out of my hands and my God was it beautiful. I wish the Planet Earth video crew were there to film it at 100 frames per second so that we could watch...

What are you working on?” Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn’t know what she did with the notes, but it bothered...

Consistently sporadic and sporadically consistent. That’s me.