Thomas has the kind of whiter-than-white boyish grin that makes women’s panties spontaneously evaporate.

Get out of my brain!

Wisdom of the Ages: “The Nativity” The Son of God was born in a manger-not surprising, have you seen the prices of hotel rooms in Bethlehem? Oy Vay! Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah Peace!

Wisdom of the Ages: “Women” Any culture that has supported the education, rights and sanctity of women has dominated those cultures who have not. As Lycurgus the Spartan lawgiver once said, “Strong women make strong...

She shook her head as she confessed, “I want it so much, I’m afraid to hope.” “Never be afraid to hope,” Rohan said gently. “It’s the only way to begin.” -Rohan to Win

“I love the movie previews… you know… Why is it whenever you’re watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you’re with? ‘Yeah… I’m not gonna...

Looking out of the window at the infinite sky, I prayed out, ‘Dear Baby Jesus, I am sorry for my sin, even though I do not know what they are, which seems a bit unfair...

Shut up, you fool…Really. I’m running out of things to throw at you.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

You held me down and rammed me so hard I deep-throated you from the other end.

Time passed quickly. Constant did not move.

In a Capitol that often takes itself far too seriously, Sonny Bono always managed to keep his sense of humor — a quality that served him well, both in his personal and political lives. He...

Paranoid means you are aware of 10% of the problem

You’re dying to meet my needs. You can’t look away from my luscious half-naked body. The minute I opened the door you were pawing at me. It was like you were in heat or something.

I do believe in killing the messanger.You know why? Its sends a message.

But then, if if sex were the same thing as math, a lot more people would be lining up to take calculus.

Many of my ex-girlfriends were habitual half-asian daters. These women considered half-asian men ‘exotic,’ ‘sexy,’ and ‘just-like-Keanu Reeves-in-the-Matrix. I consider these stereotypes appropriate because I got laid.

Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state the world is left. Should what thy sister reports prove true, much hath...

You are a disgrace. Your mother should have swallowed.

Sobs force their way out of my throat. I feel like I’m trapped in a disaster movie where everything is shriveling into darkness and ash. Sunflowers are being uprooted. Puppies are being trampled. Whole cities...

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven’t found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Every gay man out there has at least one man-crush in his past that totally shriveled his nads into raisins and sent him screaming off into the night.

… It wasn’t my finest moment, but I rolled my eyes and actually huffed. “Fine, don’t answer. I don’t even know why I asked.””No, I am not having sex with anyone.””Oh.” I shrugged nonchalantly, but...

Let blockheads read what blockheads wrote.

If Myrnin pokes his crazy head up before then, call me and try to keep him, you know, stable.”Is he UNstable?”I don’t know, how can I tell? You’re the crazy whisperer!’She had a point. Claire...

Oh, hell. You’re a fairy,” I said. “Yeah,” he said. “You know, they call it ‘being gay’ nowadays, but sure, whatever.

If you were an animal, what would you be?” I wrote, “A bumblebee trying to fuck a marble.

Behind every humorist who delights in knifing hypocrites is a major self-critic.

Down, boy! Couchant! I said couchant! No! Not rampant!

To be successful in life, plan, implement, revise, update, and build on change.

TAKE Risk because you never know how absolutely perfect something could turn out to be..

I never inhaled.

There is no need to masturbate your brain, just to ejaculate your thoughts all over the place

There’s no such thing as a sane woman.

Here’s my using dickwad in a sentence. Greg is such a dickwad, he locks his car in the Pagoda Pizza parking lot. (No. That isn’t a real Vocab word.)

Damn, Marcus, how much have you been working out? You have the ass of a god.He turned to face her, and naturally her gaze fell to his jewels. She shook her head and sighed. You...

Great, I can look forward to having a swiss cheese wardrobe.

I love Naples, Florida! Although, I’m so far behind everyone else there. After all, I’m still wearing my first face!

But if we do not dream, then I think perhaps we are misusing our heads. They are not on our shoulders only to be farms for hair.

Why does getting ahead always have to involve getting up early?

You came up this gut-wrenching road yesterday by yourself?” Cassie exclaimed. “You deserve a good cuffing just for driving this goat path on your own.””It’s not so bad once you get used to dodging the...

Ron: [mimicking Hermione] “It’s Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR.” She’s a nightmare, honestly. It’s no wonder she hasn’t got any friends!

Pretty?’ I said, swivelling in the driver’s seat to face him, ‘you want to ask me out because I’m pretty?’ ‘Is there a problem with asking you out because you’re pretty?’ ‘I think you blew...

Don’t be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling.””I didn’t mean no harm,” I said and kissed her. “That a new dress?””Ah! Changing the subject, you coward.

Does my grandma count as a bodyguard?

One should never marry a man who doesn’t own a decent set of scissors.

In truth, he had always considered the sight of men eating croissants slightly ridiculous, especially at the beginning, when for the first bite they had to maneuver the point of the crescent into their mouths....

I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That’s, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone’s ever said.””I’m willing to believe it’s the least flirtatious thing you’ve ever said.””Why are you...

relations are the failures of life.