Night descended on Roarhaven like a woolly blanket of blackness with holes in it that were the stars.

Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my...

I’m a little bit naked, but that’s okay.

She gathered a circle of children around her and commenced singing ‘For Those Who Peril on the Sea’ over their little heads. But no, ‘safety from storms’ wasn’t enough for her. God had to keep...

Come on,” he said. “Bring the poker.”I brought the tongs as well. I felt like it.

He wrote you a poem?” Evelyn looped her hand around Georgiana’s arm and led the way to the chairs lining one side of the room.”He did.” Grateful to see Luxley select one of the debutantes...

The ship’s surgeon was a spotty unshaven little man whose clothes, arrayed with smudges, drippings, and cigarette burns, were held about him by an extensive network of knotted string, The buttons down the front of...

A peevish self-willed harlotry it is.*She’s a stubborn little brat.*

It me birthday and nobody came…Bigfoot decide do something nice for self for big day and sneak in they house at night and pick out own present and blow out flickering candle of life in...

They’re not going to arrest you,’ Skulduggery said as they walked through the door. ‘They might glare at you and say angry words, but they won’t arrest you. Well, they might arrest you. There’s a...

No more tubs for me.” I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. “They make me lose all sense.”Curran sprawled on the bed with a big self-satisfied smile. “Want to...

I hope worms shit on your corpse!” was my reply. A ghost had just gotten to third base with me. Could I sink any lower?

Oh, how I longed to burst through the doors and go walking through the streets, with my hands open, like weapons!

But just out of curiosity, how do you feel about getting my name tattooed on your forehead?

My mom just loved me through all of it.

And after his unparsable response, including a passage where he said he was ‘blurring the boundaries between a thing and thought,’ she said, ‘Thank you, I get lost sometimes,’ while laying two fingers on his...

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren’t any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are...

There once was a man from Des MoinesWhose wife was always annoyedHe stepped in the kitchenShe started her bitchin’Now that fucking cunt is dead.

What are we going to do when we get into the temple, anyway? Are we going to fight our way through the Necromancers on our own?””No, we’re going to find a way to let our...

Forget I ever referred to my mother and screwing in the same sentence. That’s just …. wrong. On so many levels.

A hard penis has no conscience.

Imran you’re tragic. Bronchitis is like a bad cold it’s not a type of dinosaur.

I couldn’t make it in a chicken world, sir, so I hit the road in search of something better.

Pamela pulled off her cloak and Alexei gasped.”You have on breeches!” He stared in disbelief. “Breeches!””I’ve never worn them before, and they are extremely comfortable. I quite like them.” She smoothed the fabric over her...

Orlando had a Pinto, a car that hadn’t been in existence for thirty-plus years. He still hadn’t figured out why a strong, strapping werewolf would want one. Orlando said it was because he’d customized it....

I am also very proud to be a liberal. Why is that so terrible these days? The liberals were liberatorsthey fought slavery, fought for women to have the right to vote, fought against Hitler, Stalin,...

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

Hmmm… that’s interesting.””What?””There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

Didn’t feel too friendly,” Gus mumbled just loud enough for me to hear. When surprised and excited and innocent Gus emerged from Grand Gesture Metaphorically Inclined Augustus, I literally could not resist.

And that’s the Susie who’s going to leave a gaping hole in my heart and my life if she doesn’t give me another chance.

I had one of those ideas I do sometimes get, though admittedly a chump of the premier class.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re unbearably rude?” she returned, facing him again.”Why, yes. You have on several occasions, as I recall. If you care to apologize for that, however, I’ll be happy to...

I had a fair idea how it felt to get spanked with a large flat surface, and my rump clenched in sympathy.

She was going to go to her room,munch on chocolate,then collapse into bed.And if her upstairs neighbors decided to talk about who the daddy was or cry again about how much David was loved,she’d go...

With these words there came the rending scream of a shattered stirk and an angry troubling of the branches as the poor madman percolated through the sieve of a sharp yew, a wailing black meteor...

We’re authors, too,” Donegan said, “and we’ve been trying to get into the picture-book market. We have this idea for a Where’s Wally type thing, except in ours, you’d have to find the one living...

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes.

I don’t lack for bed partners, so I don’t need to scrounge for unwilling scraps.-Spade

Don’t threaten me with a good time.

Mr. Babcock pats my shoulder. He smiles, and the caterpillar mustache — the envy of state troopers everywhere, I’m sure — straightens out again. I hear that on the weekends, he’s a part-time security guard...

No way, that would kill my diet for the week. I don’t know how you can stand to eat so unhealthy, Quinn. Just consider it an amuse-biatch.

Ramon Ramon is a riot. Totally paranoid, gangsta detective. Been reading it with my girlfriend on study breaks and it always gives us a good laugh. Not usually into fiction, but i’ve been giving this...

so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!

Promises are like assholes,” Elsbeth pipes up. “They stink when you put your nose in them.

This isn’t the first time I’ve used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability.””Who was the test subject?” asked Aurora.”I test everything out on myself before taking it into the...

No’ seems such a flimsy and inadequate little word to express how very little interest I have in hearing you rambling on about that particular topic.

Sionnach smiled in the way of the falsely modest and added, “Forgive me for not standing, but I can’t find the energy just yet.”the answering heat flare was enough to raise the temperature in the...

Cause she’s a piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.” Farah laughed.

Son of a motherfucking, ass-reaming, shit-eating, hell-dodging soulless bitch!

Gilly Gilleshpee