There’s nothing more distasteful than an academic having to, like, trot out his credentials. You really come off as a jerk when you do that.

You are not my sunshine. Sorry. You’re more like a gust of arctic wind that bursts in and blows out all the candles when the door cracks open.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and the rest you can jerk off

These days he was like a zombie, all grim business, just another jerk with an erection.

It is my sincere desire that my research and hard work will help create a world where we all learn to walk this Earth, safe, enlightened and free from the perils of cruelty, ignorance, and...

I will never deny that life isn’t fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and...

I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, I’m still going on about her.

Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or maybe three smiles and a frown, shared between two parents, their child, and...

If everyone really knew what a jerk I am in real life, I wouldn’t be so adored in the slightest.

If somebody’s a jerk and says something nasty, be a bigger jerk and say something kind and walk away.