I can’t hear the phrase ‘Bay of Pigs invasion’ without thinking of bacon.

The height of your position on it notwithstanding, the fact is you’re still living on a hog.

If you don’t hire me, it doesn’t matter anywayBut if you hire me, the answers are all classified

What’s happened is somewhere, along the line, as a society, we confused the notion of ‘home’ with the possibility of ‘an investment opportunity’. What kind of creature wants to live in an ‘investment opportunity’? Only...

In every tragedy, an element of comedy is preserved. Comedy is just tragedy reversed.

I wouldn’t be caught dead sacrificing myself for this country.

The Element of Surprise is their in every day,It’s when you wake up.

A Christian telling an atheist they’re going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they’re not getting any presents from Santa.

All Internet comedy is niche comedy. If you do an Internet video about Halo, every Halo fan will send it to every other Halo fan. But if you did an episode of a network comedy...

Where have all the Fembots gone?

That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh?

What was it with evildoers trying to hire my boyfriend as a mercenary?

DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die or her husband won’t go free.APOLLORelax, I’m not breaking any laws.DEATHWhy the bow, if you’re...

I’d have to say that my favorite kind of film is serious comedy. Comedy with serious underpinning. ‘Little Miss Sunshine’ is like that. That’s my fave genre, if I had to pick one.

There are some actresses that can’t do comedy; it’s too heavy-handed.

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

Kalist is in his office with the door shut, secretly adding the final touches to his new Brichacek doll; she’s got rosy, plaster cheeks and his nose hairs for pubes, although he thinks he might...

Never second guess yourself. Or do, maybe. Whatever you feel good about.

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It’s like he was raised by giraffes or something.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

I love making people laugh. I’m not scared to do much of anything. It’s definitely physical comedy with me. I think it’s funny. I love it. I’m not afraid to laugh at myself, and I...

’30 Rock’ is the holy grail of comedy in my opinion.

It seemed to us that all people to a greater or lesser degree belong to one of these two types, that almost every one of us resembles either Don Quixote or Hamlet.

COMEDIAN: […] What is it you do for a living?HECKLER: I mind my own business.COMEDIAN: Self-employed, eh? No really, what do you do?HECKLER: I try not to “do.

Harken Brethren, head this impetuous realm! Tarry me far from hearth and home I fear we shall fair *snort* not well!” And so being collectively agreed, but individually impaled, the diminutive swine sought each to...

My father hired you to protect me,” Ahmed said, “not to go off chasing men.” Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. “We think this guy killed Fred.” “Who’s Fred?” “My uncle,” I...

I’m 30, it’s Christmas, and I’m a writer without a job. I sit hereengulfed in a furious fit of frustration. My future unknown. Mynuts so small you could fit them in a gnat’s navel and...

hi my name is luke, it rhymes with puke!

People like the comedy more when they care about the characters.

Applaud my friends, the comedy is over…[on his death bed]

Let’s go,” I said.”Go where?””On Lori’s date with Parker.”Now he looked at me over the nerdy spectacles he wore for reading.”I wasn’t aware it was a double date. And you’re not my type.

Oooh, dinner and a show! How come you never take us to dinner and a show?”He smiled at Roxy. “I would spend the entire evening fending off the hordes of your admirers.”She fanned herself and...

I’m becoming more and more confident and am falling more and more in love with the whole world of comedy, and I think that’s something that I really want to explore a lot more.

That voice that cries out doesn’t have to be a weakling’s does it?

Why is the poem called ‘The Road Not Taken,’ when it’s about the road that was taken?

Secret 02.02. By skillfully employing peripheral vision, it’s actually possible to gaze into an abyss without the abyss gazing into you.

I definitely believe in the theory of penis envy. My penis feels envious pretty much all the time.

Walk On BaikuCup in hand, he singsI pass, playing deaf. Who’s theReal street performer?

Come the revolution, it’ll probably be a good idea to stop saying ‘Come the revolution.

Classifications as JokesConfidential: snickersSecret: guffawsTop Secret: full belly laughsUnclassified: uproarious laughter and applause

CIA. Global, mobile, with a cause that’s noble.

She had a voice so husky it could have pulled a dogsled, and the gun she was holding gave me a bad case of barrel envy.

Remember: if everyone else gives 110% effort, and you give 120%, you’re really only giving a little over 109%.

Mr. Acme comments that the new foodservice professionals in the cafeteria are two-headed carnival escapees and probably also wanted convicts. He expresses his deep conviction that the names they gave him are aliases and promises...

If you’re doing an animated comedy on the same channel as ‘South Park,’ no one can really tell you anything. The bar has been set so high.

Your full of yourself.””Duhh… genetics man.

What I love about comedy is breaking down the barrier between the audience and the performer.

Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.

Mishaque was a stouty blend of Irish “shrek” mixed with crazy Jafakain, his front was car dealing.

women aren’t funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.