I’ll carry Carrie like my hands are as empty as my heart. I never hold my own love.

I went to the mountains, but they were closed. Apparently I wasn’t on Mountain Time.

This women is all about the kiss—the kiss of death. But if her sinister lips offer the joy of heaven, followed by the torment of hell, then I’ll be the first to pucker up.

My love is a good neighbor—there is a fence around my heart. I’m not cold-hearted, despite having a touch of Frost in there.

Get your head out of the clouds. Stop huffing the atmosphere.

You’re as likely to see me sleeping on the job as a snooze is liable to grow legs 26.2 miles long and run a larm. What’s a larm? A buzzing sound the length of a...

I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they...

A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.

If a snake was covered in musical scales, rather than nonsensical fur, then I’d like to pet it with my ears while I sleep for just a few more minutes.

When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7 girls, and one hermaphrodite named Sam.

Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love.

A shadow is midnight’s whisper, I thought as I shouted at my invisible clone. Killing your own clone is the only time you could commit murder and suicide at the same time by killing just...

I put the hell in hello—especially when waving at my mother-in-law. If looks could kill, she’d wish she were Helen Keller.

The best part about falling in love with a slab of meatloaf is now I get to use my ketchup-dispensing backpack when making love.

I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.

My son’s name will be Sonya, like his mother, whose name will be Dadya.

A brick could be used as a sex toy. Well, I say sex toy, but the politician strapped to the bed would probably say torture device.

I gave her a sideways bitter beer smirk, and then I ripped a whole chicken apart and threw it at the waiter and said, This place is too weird for me.

My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.

Would a suit of armor make women feel as invincible as a sexy pair of shoes?

Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.

Numbers have power. But not enough to supply all the energy for all your daily electrical needs. There’s just not enough strength in numbers for all that.

A blanket could be hooked to ropes and attached to the body of a swimmer in training, to provide resistance and increase strength and endurance. Those very same ropes could be used to tie me...

I made out like a bandit. Not that I’ve ever made out with a bandit.

I’m rich in poverty. I got no money coming out of my ass. I’m up to my neck in broke.

Jarod, when are you going to stop mooching off your mother and me?

Fuck off.

Love is the thing that holds life together. Sort of like rind to a melon, cloth to a stuffed animal, or money to the time spent with a stripper.

I always leave the toilet seat up. It’s just easier to wash my hair that way.

The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris’ karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren’t making love in it.

I made 100 dollars, or a Ben Franklin, today. And out of that I probably spent his face, or about five bucks, but I squandered it dishonorably. I should have saved face and saved face,...

With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.

Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast.

Don’t marry a man because he has a billion dollars. Divorce him for it.

I love the sound of the trees in the breeze. If the forest is so clearly musical, why can’t it play the guitar while I sing Nirvana covers?

I can Control F to find words and phrases lost in a sea of literature, but why can’t I Control F to find one object among a hoarder’s clutter?

I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m...

I left a jar in the doorway to leave the door ajar, but love never walked in.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

The word ubiquitous is itself ubiquitous in today’s writing.

Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.

Coffee, it’s love you can brew and drink. There is an edible kind of love, and if you’re interested, I make it by hand.

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it’s relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could...

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

I don’t drink coffee. Sorry, I don’t mean to burden you with my personal problems.

I’ve often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it’s the one right after the next to the last one.

I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money.

Why donate to a sperm bank when you can deposit it directly in different women? When you love the world you try to seed it, like a porn farmer.

Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three pointers.