You know what? You know what? You know what?’ I was waving my finger under her nose. ‘You scratched the Son of God. That’s your ass, that’s what.

Love needs room to grow. Like a rose. Or a tumor.

Of course they won’t bloody remember, they’ll be dead.’ Then she called him a name in a dead language that translated, roughly, to ‘poop on a stick,’ but sounded more succinct, like this: ‘Of course...

Stephenie Meyer: Her vampires are sparkly, which I think we can all agree is wrong.

That was supposed to be the whole purpose of the Internet, you know. To share scientific information.””Not a Viagra- and porn-delivery system?

Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry, you can’t have a baby brother, because that would mean that Daddy had sex, and that’s never going to happen again.

I tried cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like flaming fuck.

In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future,...

Soon a whole guild of low-priced shrine keepers around Europe named their own pope – Boldface the Relatively Shameless, Discount Pope of Prague. The price war was on […] The Retail Pope would offer cheesy...

… but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, ‘What if Jesus had known kung fu?

Science, you don’t know, looks like magic.

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)” I thinks she’s going to break my heart” On arrival of the girl” The flannel is fine honey,but I have’nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

People, generally, suck.

I love you, Lucien, but I am a muse, you are an artist, I am not here to make you comfortable.

It’s kinda hard to get yourself into a good three-toweler when you got the dick of death.

She hugged me and I could feel the heat rise in my face, either from shame or love, like there was a difference.

I’ve tried to get the angel to watch MTV so I can learn the vocabulary of your music, but even with the gift of tongues, I’m having trouble learning to speak hip-hop. Why is it...

Which isn’t, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass.

It’s wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.

[…] Y’know, the Duchess Regan is living here at the tower now? I took your advice about not talking about her boffnacity [footnote], even with the duke dead and all, can’t be too careful. Although,...

And I was all, “Don’t be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I’ll pepper-spray you until you fry.” (You have to be stern with weenie waggers–I’ve been exposed to on the...

There’s a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality–there’s mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.

She was an alien, really – a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine – and he didn’t understand anything about her species.

If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them.

I like a girl with a substantial bottom,’ said Renoir, drawing in the air the size bottom he preferred.

…turning your ankle hurts like hell, even if you’re a superhero.

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

So I am death” Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast.”This is death toast sweety.

That’s the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.

Not yet!” said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum.She honked my codpiece.You honked my codpiece.”Aye, give it up, fool.” […]

That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

Fuckstockings!

There is no such thing as a conservative hero.

Sarcasm.

Whistler,’ Manet called. ‘How’s your mother?

Scratch a cynic and you will find a disappointed romantic.

Si crees que todo el mundo está bien de la azotea es que no conoces a la gente que te rodea. La clave, y esto es muy relevante en nuestro caso, es encontrar a alguien...

I’ve won Satan’s lottery.

The three jewels of Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership.

Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.

Lash had been explaining to her that it’s impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, “She only speaks Cantonese.””She...

So I’m all, “Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!” Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until...

He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That’s what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

There’s some heinous fuckery goin’ on mon.

Praying is talking to God. Meditating is listening.

Don’t bruise the Foo!

What is your name?” asked Lear.Caius,” said Kent.And whence do you hail?”From Bonking, sire.”Well, yes, lad, as do we all,” said Lear, “but from what town?

Let me say right here, if I haven’t made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so...