Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.

Lash had been explaining to her that it’s impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, “She only speaks Cantonese.””She...

So I’m all, “Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!” Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until...

He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That’s what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

There’s some heinous fuckery goin’ on mon.

Praying is talking to God. Meditating is listening.

Don’t bruise the Foo!

What is your name?” asked Lear.Caius,” said Kent.And whence do you hail?”From Bonking, sire.”Well, yes, lad, as do we all,” said Lear, “but from what town?

Let me say right here, if I haven’t made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so...

Children see magic because they look for it.

Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.

Abby Von Normal – And I’m like, “Don’t change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you’re ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh!...

What are you working on?” Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn’t know what she did with the notes, but it bothered...

She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can’t she, sir?

She’s so small, yet she contains so much evil.

Any freedom that can be given can be taken away.

Diogenes carried a bowl with him for years, but one day saw a man drinking from his cupped palm and declared, ‘I have been a fool, burdened all these years by the weight of a...

Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the f*ck? Love?

By Aladdin’s lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

You’re trying to be tricky. What’s morality?””It’s the difference between what’s right and what you can rationalize.””Must be a human thing.””Exactly.

As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona,...

And I’ll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and...

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

I love you above all things, even pie.

A wall is a defense of a country that values inaction. But a wall imprisons the people of a country as much as it protects them. That’s why Balthasar had us go this way. He...

The medium obscured the message.

Ydych chi’n cymryd cerdynnau credid?” said the highwayman, no doubt trying to frighten me further, his consonants chained like anal beads strung out of hell’s own bunghole.

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, You’re doing the same thing, trying to reconcile all the moms that Mom ever was – The one you wanted, the one she was when you needed her and...

If there was anything I learned from John the Baptist, it was that the sooner you confess a mistake, the quicker you can get on to making new and better mistakes.

Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics?

I’m beginning to wonder,” said Kent, sitting down now on an overturned wooden tub. “Who do I serve? Why am I here?”You are here, because, in the expanding ethical ambiguity of our situation, you are...

Don’t be ridiculous, Charlie, people love the parents who beat their kids in department stores. It’s the ones who just let their kids wreak havoc that everybody hates.

I’ve seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

Nobody’s perfect. Well, there was this one guy, but we killed him….

One day I was telling him that I thought that cars had replaced guns as phallic symbols for American men, and I thought it was interesting that he had one that was so small and...

Next out of the hall came the sisters and their husbands. Before I could say anything, the captain had clamped his hand over my mouth and was lifting me off my feet as I kicked....

That’s the scary thing about hope,” she said. “If you let it go too long it turns into faith.

Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?””Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your...

It was the sound of a thousand hungry children crying, ten thousand widows tearing their hair over their husband’s graves, a chorus of angels singing the last dirge on the day of God’s death.

In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime.

But she’s a redhead, so she’s probably evil, even at her tender age.””I thought you liked redheads.””I do. What’s your point?

My children are monsters, Kiro thought. And I am responsible. Perhaps if I had read them the haikus of Basho when they were little instead of that American manifesto of high-pressure sales, Green Eggs and...

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy. There’s no such place.

The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear.

She doesn’t understand that a writer is a special creature–that I’m different from everyone else. I’m not saying I’m superior to other people, just more sensitive, I guess.

A hundred brilliant witticisms died suffocating on the captain’s heavy glove. Thus muted, I pumped my codpiece at the duke and tried to force a fart, but my bum tumpet could find no note.

Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit