And I was all, “Don’t be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I’ll pepper-spray you until you fry.” (You have to be stern with weenie waggers–I’ve been exposed to on the...

There’s a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality–there’s mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.

She was an alien, really – a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine – and he didn’t understand anything about her species.

If you think anyone is sane you just don’t know enough about them.

I like a girl with a substantial bottom,’ said Renoir, drawing in the air the size bottom he preferred.

…turning your ankle hurts like hell, even if you’re a superhero.

Lucien, women are wondrous, mysterious, and magical creatures, who should be treated not only with respect but with reverence, perhaps even awe. Now go sweep the steps.

He was a writer and words were his weapons.

So I am death” Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast.”This is death toast sweety.

That’s the difference between irony and sarcasm. Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.

Not yet!” said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum.She honked my codpiece.You honked my codpiece.”Aye, give it up, fool.” […]

That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

Fuckstockings!

There is no such thing as a conservative hero.

Sarcasm.

Whistler,’ Manet called. ‘How’s your mother?

Scratch a cynic and you will find a disappointed romantic.

Si crees que todo el mundo está bien de la azotea es que no conoces a la gente que te rodea. La clave, y esto es muy relevante en nuestro caso, es encontrar a alguien...

I’ve won Satan’s lottery.

The three jewels of Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. Balthasar said compassion leads to courage, moderation leads to generosity, and humility leads to leadership.

Sarcasm will make your tits fall off.

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.

Lash had been explaining to her that it’s impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, “She only speaks Cantonese.””She...

So I’m all, “Owned! Bee-yatch! Dog fucking owned you!” Doing a minor booty dance of ownage, perhaps, in retrospect, a bit prematurely. (I believe hip-hop to be the apprpriate language for taunting, at least until...

He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words. That’s what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

There’s some heinous fuckery goin’ on mon.

Praying is talking to God. Meditating is listening.

Don’t bruise the Foo!

What is your name?” asked Lear.Caius,” said Kent.And whence do you hail?”From Bonking, sire.”Well, yes, lad, as do we all,” said Lear, “but from what town?

Let me say right here, if I haven’t made it clear, that I have seen as many pale, naked old-man parts in the last twenty-four hours to bruise my delicate psyche for a lifetime, so...

Children see magic because they look for it.

Only cops and vampires have to have an invitation to enter.

Abby Von Normal – And I’m like, “Don’t change the subject, Kung Pao, what I want to know is if you’re ready to spend some up-close and personal time with ninety pounds of barbarian woman-flesh!...

What are you working on?” Elizabeth asked. Nate could hear her tapping a pencil on her desk. She took notes during their conversations. He didn’t know what she did with the notes, but it bothered...

She can be a whirlwind of tits and terror when she puts her mind to a purpose, can’t she, sir?

She’s so small, yet she contains so much evil.

Any freedom that can be given can be taken away.

Diogenes carried a bowl with him for years, but one day saw a man drinking from his cupped palm and declared, ‘I have been a fool, burdened all these years by the weight of a...

Love? Sodding, bloody, tossing, bloody, sodding, bloody love? Irrelevant, superfluous, bloody, ruddy, rotten, sodding love? What ho? Wherefore? What the f*ck? Love?

By Aladdin’s lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones.

You’re trying to be tricky. What’s morality?””It’s the difference between what’s right and what you can rationalize.””Must be a human thing.””Exactly.

As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona,...

And I’ll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and...

The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis.

I love you above all things, even pie.

A wall is a defense of a country that values inaction. But a wall imprisons the people of a country as much as it protects them. That’s why Balthasar had us go this way. He...

The medium obscured the message.

Ydych chi’n cymryd cerdynnau credid?” said the highwayman, no doubt trying to frighten me further, his consonants chained like anal beads strung out of hell’s own bunghole.

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.