I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

Taking a single letter from the alphaber,” he said, “should make life simpler.””I don’t see why. Take the F from life and you have lie. It’s adding a letter to simple that makes it simpler....

People with looks are lovely. People with brains are witty. People with cash are wealthy. But people with God are truly happy.

He could be so charming and irreverent and witty, and then-bam!-a switch flipped and he reverted right back to the cocky asshole everyone reported him to be.

In all small things be honest and the big ones will take care of themselves.

What are you – Secret Service?”If I were, I wouldn’t admit it.”And you’re not admitting it, I notice.

When you come back from a set down and bring the match to a final set tiebreak and are a point away from winning the match, only to have what looks like an extremely fit...

What am I going to do?” asked Ce’Nedra.”First you ought to go wash your face,” Polgara told her. “Some girls can cry without making themselves ugly, but you don’t have the right coloring for it....

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

Says O’Sullivan to me, “Mr. Fay, I’ll have a word wid yeh?” “Certainly,” says I; “what can I do for you?” “Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay,” says O’Sullivan, polite as can be. “But...

It’s one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights!… That’s a real talent

This is unacceptable! We’re English, damn it! We know how to build things where they shouldn’t be! – Governor Dewar

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate?

You can label jam, you can’t label man

Jehovah’s Witness? Don’t sweat it. I’m going to hell, already booked my ticket. Bright side? I’m pagan. Your hell is my heaven… if for no other reason than you won’t be there.

The door handle turned. Someone knocked, and a man’s voice called, “Uh, hello?”Valkyrie looked at Skulduggery, looked back at the others, looked at Skulduggery again.”Hello,” Skulduggery said, speaking loudly to be heard over the alarm....

Don’t worry about it; only worry about how people like her breed.

A lawyer can steal more money with a briefcase than a thousand men with guns.

But life is not like that. You are not an airline. You can’t remove a single olive from every salad served in first class and save one point two million dollars.

I might’ve been witty, but I didn’t have a shtick. So, I never considered myself a comedian.

All women may not be beautiful but every woman can look beautiful.

My dear boy, in Ireland the midwife uses one hand to hold the baby’s best fighting arm from the font water, and grips its jaws with the other lest the goes to litigation about it....

I wanted to play with death, like a child with a new toy, I wanted to push all the buttons and see what would happen.

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to...

Music gives inspiration…one that sounds windy with humming sound, such can put you in a trance, only to come back and discover some witty ideas.

I’m an angel. The horns are only there to hold up the halo.

If you worry about missing the boat, remember the Titanic!

Well, with that filly in my line of vision blushing like a virgin, something in me was bound to stand at attention. And my walking legs were occupied.

Some day, Prince Kheldar, you will fall in love,” the queen said with a little smirk, “and the twelve kingdoms will stand around and chortle over the fall of so notorious a bachelor.

You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

The man is as useless as nipples on a breastplate.

The culture of the Epic Fail, in its rituals of comic sacrifice, is a culture of sublimated predation.

Shocked my old friend from China, Deja Vu, when I turned up at his door without notice.

Nobody ever goes to that store to shop because it’s too crowded.

The important thing to remember is not to forget

ONLY’ having the Gift, people appreciate this madness as Art. Everybody wants to have Art in their lives, but no body wants to have what the Art came out from in their lives…

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she’s noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.’ ‘I missed you too, Thurid.

The guy’s life drunk, I think, makes Candide look like a sourpuss. Does he even know that death exists?

Well we can’t be having that. One person starts having fun and it turns into an epidemic. Difficult to stop that kind of thing, you know.

Childhood friends are continuity, uninterrupted connections between selves, and you hold on them. You hold on them and you love them, but sometimes they’re not quite comfortable.

‘Venti caramel macchiato, please,’ he said. ‘Hold the snobbery.’ The barista laughed and hit buttons on his register. ‘You sure? We’re having a sale on social mobility. The longer your coffee order takes to place,...

Growing age can kill the beauty, not the style.

The important question is, what will your wear for a wedding dress, Alexia? You look horrible in white.

If sex were shoes, I’d wear you out. But I wouldn’t wear you out in public.

Remember, people who peek through keyholes have to expect an occasional poke in the eye.

For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused...

Don’t let out your true behaviour in the public, even if you were born nasty, make others feel you were well bred.

Graham’s life is as tense as an overstretched simile.

Never stick your tongue out at someone you can’t lick.