I’ve just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I’d finished I said to myself, ‘Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.’ (1911)

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

I want someone that I can have fun with and laugh with. I love to laugh, and I’m really sarcastic, so it’s important that she can take a joke. I think if you are going...

I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything.

The art world is the biggest joke going. It’s a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak.

An assumption is the joke; truth the punchline.

Being a Muslim is not a joke but a challenge. If you think it is, come and live in Pakistan where you will know about Muslims’ enemies around the globe

If a black black cat crosses your path, it suggests that the animal is going somewhere.

Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

Thanks. Seriously, you must have better things to do with your life than waste it on the hopeless?”I’ve already learned Parseltongue. What else is there?”Elvish.

I’m a Neuroscientist.- What’s that? What do you study?- I study your brain!

Taft, I feel, has kind of made a joke out of all of us.

Life’s too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

U.S. soldiers, with whom I now have more than a passing acquaintance, joke that they track my movements in order to know where they will be deployed next.

Housekeeping ain’t no joke.

People will say,”there’s heaven and hell”, and they take it so serious that they look so sorrowful with penitence. I would rather ask them to show me the route that leads to heaven or hell.

My favorite people are the ones that can make any unfunny joke hilarious by just laughing.

Nature never jests.

In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke.

Someone once told me a joke,” he said. “I’d like to be a pacifist, but people keep getting in the way.’ I made a decision to fight for my friend in prison. It was a...

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

I definitely believe marijuana helps with menstruation. Since I started smoking pot, my girlfriend’s period has become painless for me

Happiness is a big joke; let us laugh at it loud.

Don’t stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?””Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are.””What about mummies? Do they only hang...

Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they...

It’s not a joke if it’s not entirely clear. But most jokes play off of ambiguity and sudden juxtaposition, so a joke has to be clearly unclear.

As far as he could discover, there were no signs of spring. The decay that covered the surface of the mottled ground was not the kind in which life generates. Last year, he remembered, May...

Sorry, no professionals.

Even if it’s a really funny joke, don’t laugh if the devil’s the one telling it!

I told Ersken, “Lately it’s been like living on the knife’s edge, never knowing which side I’ll fall off on”Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. “Cheer up, Beka. Maybe...

John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

I saw two birds having dangerously kinky sex on the main road, while several cars ran above them just missing the sparrows’ toss and tumble fly away. The couple survived to try it again next...

What? It worked for the Fallen Angels.

lower animals” (so-called,) and contrasting them with the traits and dispositions of man. I find the result profoundly humiliating to me. For it obliges me to renounce my allegiance to the Darwinian theory of the...

Have you heard the joke about the chemist, physicist and economist who get wrecked on a desert isle, with a huge supply of canned baked beans as their only food? The chemist says that he...

I’m not much of a joke writer.

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

I myself am convinced that the theory of evolution, especially to the extent to which it has been applied, will be one of the greatest jokes in the history books of the future. Posterity will...

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

My girlfriend and I just had make-up sex. We both wore make-up.

Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.

He and I have a neat rapport. He was trying to set up a deal where, if he broke the state record by 120 points, I’d have to shave my head. We joke around a...

We often hear that mathematics consists mainly of ‘proving theorems.’ Is a writer’s job mainly that of ‘writing sentences?

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. ‘I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but...

Fuck it… That’s really the attitude that keeps a family together, it’s not “we love each other”, it’s just “fuck it, man.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they’d still be brother and sister.

You might like it as a joke or because you liked it then, but there isn’t a whole new generation discovering Wham!.