I’d like to think I’d never do a gratuitous fart joke.

I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once.” “Huh?” “It said, ‘Oeuf.'” “What is that?” “It’s a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren’t laughing anymore.

These days every morning begins like a joke you think you have heard before, but there is no one telling it whom you can stop. One day it’s about a cow who walks into a...

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

What other culture could have produced someone like Hemingway and not seen the joke?

I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like ‘Midnight in Paris.’ Nostalgia isn’t so enticing.

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Historically, Heathrow has been something of a joke, outweighed by its excellent connections. We have to aspire to having an airport at Heathrow with two runways which is a world-class airport. It’s a big challenge.

Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.””Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.

I typically start out almost every speech I give making some kind of joke about me being in a wheelchair.

What did the zombie say to the whore? Keep the tip!

When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I...

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

You, Stan, are covered with dirt and leaves.””I just applied for a job as a tree,” I said. It made so little sense, he didn’t even bother responding.

At nine, my mom used to tell me she saw an Olympic medalist in me. I used to take it as a joke, but she was very serious.

Somebody would think I was trying to get favored treatment because my ancestors had the name Moon. And that’s a joke.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I’ve discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, “I want to love, I want to live…

I used to joke I was a point-and-click actor. My whole process has been about trusting your instincts and hitting your mark.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.

We end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke.

Llevamos el circo en la sangre.

I joke that my niche in Hollywood has been naked foreigners.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

The moment you think of a joke is the best moment.

I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian… The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about a philosopher resembling a blind man, in a dark room, looking...

But—let me tell you my cat joke. It’s very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and she’s got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting...

Is this Clarissa Fray?” The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. “Yeees?””Hi, I’m one of the knife-carrying hooligans you...

Trying to be offensive for the sole purpose of being offensive should always deem one the least offensive of offenders.

The joke loses everything when the joker laughs himself.

You learn what can become a good joke and can be repeatable. You have a shorthand about how to introduce a joke to someone.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Your… Your aura. It’s… amazing. It’s shining. I mean, it always shines, but today… Well I’ve never seen anything like it. I didn’t expect that after everything that happened.’I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit...

I’m trying. My mouth keeps moving of its own accord.

It ain’t no joke when you lose your vinyl.

It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.” “What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?” “You ask a glass of water.

I am enlightened.

…, and sometimes there’s just no point in arguing with him. “Yeah, okay ‘me, Jeff, and Evan, sitting in a tree…'”Chris claps his hands triumphantly. “That’s right, baby!” Than a more serious expression comes across...

Chuck Norris CAN understand women.

The joke of our time is the suicide of intention.

I joke, but only half joke, that if you show up in an American hospital missing a finger, no one will believe you until they get a CAT scan, MRI and orthopedic consult.

Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff’s last name is a homophone of ‘made-off’?

Each one you take is a commitment. If you break that commitment, the gods of alcohol will punish you with a hangover so bad you’ll think Satan himself took a dump on you. -Milo

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

CUSTOMER: I’m always on night shift at work.BOOKSELLER (jokingly): Is that why you’re buying so many vampire novels?CUSTOMER (seriously): You can never be too prepared.

When it comes to Spam, … we get the joke.