That awkward moment when you realize someone was actually home the whole time you were singing on the tops of your lungs.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.

I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.

You are where your brain is but not where a front-page headline is.

Dick Martin, if you put a gun to his forehead, he couldn’t tell you a joke.

I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy.

No, we are building a joke.”

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

Yo Mama’s like a library, open to the public.

All he cares about is going out there with his Jack Daniels bottle. Nothing has changed. That’s kind of sad. If David was doing better than he used to be, then that would be different....

Here at the shop we joke that none of us would know how to cast if the wind stopped blowing.

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he’s working on these days. ‘My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United...

Why do we have to humiliate someone to crack a joke??? Do what u would like people to do with u..

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

Viktor was swinging a leather duffle and wearing a black Adidas tracksuit and his favorite brown UGG slippers with a hole in the toe.”Worn and old, just like Viv,” he’d say when Frankie made fun...

For with dandies, a joke is the only way of making yourself respected.

Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.

It is a joke, an absolute nonsense to even suggest such things.

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

A wink and a smirk walk into a bar, and the bartender asked them what they were drinking, when all of the sudden a mustache in a cowboy hat riding a vagina runs through the...

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

UFO is a joke when there ain’t mystery in the sky.

…I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well… but I can’t be a photojournalist like you… I can’t be anything… still, at least I can take photographs,...

What happened when the Verb asked the noun to conjugate? She said “no-no!”, forgot the “o” and decided to become a nun!

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you’ll look back and thank them for...

I’d like to think I’d never do a gratuitous fart joke.

I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once.” “Huh?” “It said, ‘Oeuf.'” “What is that?” “It’s a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

Yo Mama’s so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

Woman troubles, heartbreak, Twilight ending? Whatever bugs your mind.”-Jared

I never stopped joking around long enough to realize you weren’t laughing anymore.

These days every morning begins like a joke you think you have heard before, but there is no one telling it whom you can stop. One day it’s about a cow who walks into a...

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that ‘You’ are not worth him/her.

What other culture could have produced someone like Hemingway and not seen the joke?

I joke that a person of color would never make a movie like ‘Midnight in Paris.’ Nostalgia isn’t so enticing.

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Historically, Heathrow has been something of a joke, outweighed by its excellent connections. We have to aspire to having an airport at Heathrow with two runways which is a world-class airport. It’s a big challenge.

Investigation?” Isabelle laughed. “Now we’re detectives? Maybe we should all have code names.””Good idea,” said Jace. “I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein.

I typically start out almost every speech I give making some kind of joke about me being in a wheelchair.

What did the zombie say to the whore? Keep the tip!

When I go to the bathrooms, I cannot take off my pants as before; because there is a light continuously blinking like a camera, everyone says it is just an environmental friendly lighting. Well, I...

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

You, Stan, are covered with dirt and leaves.””I just applied for a job as a tree,” I said. It made so little sense, he didn’t even bother responding.

At nine, my mom used to tell me she saw an Olympic medalist in me. I used to take it as a joke, but she was very serious.

Somebody would think I was trying to get favored treatment because my ancestors had the name Moon. And that’s a joke.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I’ve discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, “I want to love, I want to live…

I used to joke I was a point-and-click actor. My whole process has been about trusting your instincts and hitting your mark.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Yo Mama’s so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.