Look, sir, I know Angua. She’s not the useless type. She doesn’t stand there and scream helplessly. She makes other people do that.

At times like this it’s traditional that a hero comes forth,” said the President of the Guild of Assassins. “A dragon slayer. Where is he, that’s what I want to know? Why aren’t our schools...

She was an alien, really – a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine – and he didn’t understand anything about her species.

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake..

—Elle m’a pas recconue!—C’est parce qu’elle vous a jamais vue.

Universities are renowned for their tolerance of unusual characters, especially if they show originality and dedication to their research. I have often made the comment that not only are universities a ‘cathedral’ for worship of...

Just a minute,” said Lobsang. “Who are you? Time has stopped, the world is given over to…fairy tales and monsters, and there’s a schoolteacher walking around?””Best kind of person to have,” said Susan. “We don’t...

You haven’t heard of him? And he is a D’reg!” Mrs Goriff pulled at her husband’s arm.”D’reg?” said Angua.”A warlike desert tribe,” said Carrot. “Very fierce. Honourable, though. They say that if a D’reg is...

Vimes stared. It was true about the dogs. There didn’t seem to be quite so many mooching around these days, and that was a fact. But he’d visited a few dwarf bars with Carrot, and...

A good plot should have a strong middle and a spectacular end. But under no circumstances should it have a beginning.

She opened the door within two seconds of his pressing the doorbell, letting out a stream of cats that ran around with such rapidity and randomness of motion that they assumed a liquid state of...

Please stop. I said. You’re upsetting the black Santas.

Sam’s hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, “You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that.” She...

The ECTs are moving the guns in small batches,” Bat said. “We’re making them take so many photos that one of them asked if she was being trained to shoot porno.

Click.The salamander flared, etching the room with searing white light and dark shadows. Otto screamed. He fell to the floor, clutching at his throat. He sprang to his feet, goggle-eyed and gasping, and staggered, knock-kneed...

The street was full of animals, milling around uncertainly. When animals are in a state of uncertainty they get nervous, and the street was already, as it were, paved with anxiety.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s’ lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Daddy was overcome by the charm of this scene. “They’re just so amazing at that age. So innocent. So … pure. As pure as the snow they play in.” He apparently hadn’t noticed the places...

Ever Tried. Ever Failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away…

Two uniformed trolls were standing in front of Sergeant Colon’s high desk, with a slightly smaller troll between them. This troll was wearing a slightly downcast expression. It was also wearing a tutu and had...

Angua picked out the bottle and looked at the label.”C.M.O.T. Dibbler’s Genuine Authentic Soggy Mountain Dew,” she read. “He’s going to die! It says, ‘One hundred and fifty per cent proof’!””Nah, that’s just old Dibbler’s...

Do you realise how much trouble you’re in?””Perhaps I’ll have some Weetabix after all.

Jimmy held on to the reins for dear life, and thought that a horse was about the most slippery creature to sit on that he had ever met. He slithered first one way and then...

His father cultivated art and self-realisation; his mother went in for simplicity and hygiene. Hence the child, during his tenderer years, was wholly unacquainted with any drink between the extremes of absinth and cocoa, of...

Listen, I’m sorry to bother you when you’re obviously busy with, uh, important things, ” B. J. Says. He sounds sarcastic. “But you remember a few months ago, when we scored that pot for Brian...

What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

We try to make guests feel welcome,” said Dee, scuttling behind his desk. He pulled off his pointed hat and, to Vimes’s amazement, put on a pair of thick smoked glasses.”You had papers?” he said....

Silk stockings. With garters. Well, they were out. There were a lot of things he’d do for Sybil, but if garters figured anywhere in the relationship they weren’t going to be on him.

It was possibly the most circumspect advance in the history of military manoeuvres, right down at the bottom end of the scale that things like the Charge of the Light Brigade are at the top...

Yes, I see. You absolutely insist that you are a cow. I am not arguing.

Oh, and orgasms… definitely thankful for those.

I didn’t realize he was a drunk driver,’ I said. ‘The other superheroes inferred it was just a regular, random guy you were trying to force a taco onto. But still’ – I indicate the...

Primele încercări de predare a unei limbi, mă refer la engleză, cimpanzeilor datează abia din secolul XX. Toate au dat greş, inclusiv una dintre cele mai cunoscute, făcută pe la sf rşitul anilor ’40 de...

He tried to close a hand around the precious coffee but had to jerk his fingers away, sharply enough that his wrist popped painfully. Tallow wondered if the other end of the coffee machine was...

Lawn looked down at his patient. “In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

I’m not bloody well going to have it, understand?” Vimes shouted, shaking the ape back and forth.”Oook,” the Librarian pointed out, patiently.”What? Oh. Sorry.” Vimes lowered the ape, who wisely didn’t make an issue out...

Mrs. Joe was a very clean housekeeper, but had an exquisite art of making her cleanliness more uncomfortable and unacceptable than dirt itself.

Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!” she screeched, jigging back into the kitchen.

…food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

I get this buzz every time I’m quoted online. The ego high… yes… but also a Google Alert.

Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

‘Oh, good grief,’ said Vimes. ‘Look, it’s quite simple, man. I was expected to go ‘At last, alcohol!’, and chugalug the lot without thinking. Then some respectable pillars of the community.’

Sham Harga had run a successful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease,...

I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn’t believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA.

I always carry the book of Holy Writ…and something to read…

Once you go demon you never go back.

As soon as one is unhappy one becomes moral.

Bat stood in the open door and said “I am a crime scene unit detective from the New York City Police Department, you heinous fucking mongoloid, and there is nothing I cannot do.