Detective John Tallow, 1st Precinct.””You,” said Scarly. “I hate you so much my dick is hard.

Er, why do you need to work in a dark room, though?” he said. “The imps don’t need it, do they?””Ah, zis is for my experiment,” said Otto proudly. “You know zat another term for...

It was funny how people were people everywhere you went, even if the people concerned weren’t the people the people who made up the phrase “people are people everywhere” had traditionally thought of as people.

The English winter is long, cold and wet, just like the English summer

You’re not the type of woman who gives up easily, are you?” Ican’t tell if he admires this trait or sees it as a sign of deteriorating mental health.

Sir,” said the guard from behind me. “I’d appreciate it if you left your club here.”I paused and looked over my shoulder, He had a gun. His hand wasn’t exactly resting on it, but he’d...

Went to get coffee today-opened my change purse. Sea shells fell out. Barista goes “Sorry, we only take cash or credit.” So there’s that.

Men from children nothing differ.

And then there was the much spoken of lock-up. It looked like a giant pepperpot built of stone. A flowering creeper grew up it, and, next to the door and restrained by a chain, there...

A streak of green fire blasted out of the back of the shed, passed a foot over the heads of the mob, and burned a charred rosette in the woodwork over the door.Then came a...

Lawyers, I suppose were once children.

Fuck the pack. I gave them fifteen years of my life. I fought for them, bled for them, and the moment my back was turned, they attacked my wife. I owe them nothing.

That’s part of your curse. To drive men mad with desire and feel no pleasure”.”Great,” I muttered. “And all this time I thought I was frigid.

The only way to see everything, my dear, is to see it absolutely.

I was a drunk. You have to be richer than I was to be an alcoholic.

It was because he wanted there to be conspirators. It was much better to imagine men in some smoky room somewhere, made mad and cynical by privilege and power, plotting over the brandy. You had...

You see,” said Colon, “thieves are organized here. I mean, it’s official. They’re allowed a certain amount of thieving. Not that they do much these days, mind you. If you pay them a little premium...

I believe in the 20/80 rule. That’s where working an extra 20% faster, harder, or smarter gets you an extra 80% of the rewards.

She looked around at the close confines of the NCD offices. They were cramped and untidy. No. They were worse than that. They had gone through cramped and untidy, paused briefly at small and shabby...

He felt singularly light-hearted, and the immediate cause was his safety razor. A week ago he had bought the thing in a sudden fit of enterprise, and now he shaved in five minutes, where before...

Optimism was for children. Once you reached adulthood then you had to join the rest of the world as a realist – life was a bag of shit you were expected to pay for.

Tallow turned the corner into Bat and Scarly’s office to be greeted by a large plastic robot on the bench waving its arms and shouting, “Say hello to my l’il frien'” in an electronically processed...

Is that you, Sergeant Angua?” said a voice in the gloom. A lantern was open, and lit the approaching face of Constable Visit. As he drew near, she could just make out the thick wad...

When new students tried an experiment that was particularly successful in terms of explosive force, the result was often a cross between a major factory refit and a game of Hunt-the-other-Kidney.

Yeeeees, tell me eeeeeverything.” I was Marked by a very cute boy with terrible impulse control. I don’t remember because I was basically unconscious but everyone was mad at him when I woke up. The...

People think common sense is common – but it’s not.

The circus is the perfect business right now because parents want their kids to be kids and not Charley Bucket drinking cabbage soup all day.

That’s what.

If we go on in this way, we shall have a new art of poetry, of which one of the first rules will be: To remember to forget that there are any such things as...

Look, sir, I know Angua. She’s not the useless type. She doesn’t stand there and scream helplessly. She makes other people do that.

At times like this it’s traditional that a hero comes forth,” said the President of the Guild of Assassins. “A dragon slayer. Where is he, that’s what I want to know? Why aren’t our schools...

She was an alien, really – a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine – and he didn’t understand anything about her species.

Stop fretting and eat your Madeira Cake..

—Elle m’a pas recconue!—C’est parce qu’elle vous a jamais vue.

Universities are renowned for their tolerance of unusual characters, especially if they show originality and dedication to their research. I have often made the comment that not only are universities a ‘cathedral’ for worship of...

Just a minute,” said Lobsang. “Who are you? Time has stopped, the world is given over to…fairy tales and monsters, and there’s a schoolteacher walking around?””Best kind of person to have,” said Susan. “We don’t...

You haven’t heard of him? And he is a D’reg!” Mrs Goriff pulled at her husband’s arm.”D’reg?” said Angua.”A warlike desert tribe,” said Carrot. “Very fierce. Honourable, though. They say that if a D’reg is...

Vimes stared. It was true about the dogs. There didn’t seem to be quite so many mooching around these days, and that was a fact. But he’d visited a few dwarf bars with Carrot, and...

A good plot should have a strong middle and a spectacular end. But under no circumstances should it have a beginning.

She opened the door within two seconds of his pressing the doorbell, letting out a stream of cats that ran around with such rapidity and randomness of motion that they assumed a liquid state of...

Please stop. I said. You’re upsetting the black Santas.

Sam’s hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, “You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that.” She...

The ECTs are moving the guns in small batches,” Bat said. “We’re making them take so many photos that one of them asked if she was being trained to shoot porno.

Click.The salamander flared, etching the room with searing white light and dark shadows. Otto screamed. He fell to the floor, clutching at his throat. He sprang to his feet, goggle-eyed and gasping, and staggered, knock-kneed...

The street was full of animals, milling around uncertainly. When animals are in a state of uncertainty they get nervous, and the street was already, as it were, paved with anxiety.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s’ lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Daddy was overcome by the charm of this scene. “They’re just so amazing at that age. So innocent. So … pure. As pure as the snow they play in.” He apparently hadn’t noticed the places...

Ever Tried. Ever Failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away…