Salsa music is best when chewing on nachos. I’m a spicy lover. Taste me and see.

There’s no room for love in my life. My car trunk is already full of groceries, a spare tire, and two kidnap victims.

I think I found the love of my life. Boy, I’m glad I cleaned out my fish tank.

When I’m old and I brush my teeth and her dentures, I’ll smile because that is love—and that is disgusting.

Love is something you must work at. And if you can’t work at it, don’t expect the government to subsidize you. At least not until the Central Bank figures out how to counterfeit emotions.

My albino elbow bends like a bow and arrow shoots shoots, roots, and bearded forest creatures. Love me now, before I remove my undergrowth.

Well, Nero,” Genghis said, “I just wanted to give you this rose-a small gift of congratulations for the wonderful concert you gave us last night!””Oh, thank you,” Nero said, taking the rose out of Genghis’s...

Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!

Investing is a business where you can look very silly for a long period of time before you are proven right.

I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22

My nickname isn’t Scarface—it’s Scarf Ace. I make knitted neck warmers like I make love—one grandmother at a time.

With a palindrome of a name, like Bob, I’d be both right thinking and dyslexic. Would you love me more as a Bob, or as a Bob?

I measured the length of my hand today, and just as I thought, it’s exactly as long as my other hand. I was so excited I started clapping.

I’ll write The Art Of Love, which will be tactical, like The Art Of War.

I didn’t have time to grow out a beard, so I glued a wig on instead. I make love like a hare in a tortoise shell.

I won’t die for my love—but I will live for her, which is much harder and more impactful.

People are temporary, but love is eternal.

I welcome all You’re Welcomes with open arms and open zippers. My love for her is sandwiched between two slices of Thank You.

Edwin, you’re turning this infirmary into a speakeasy.

She laughed and said how silly we were to not accept life for what it was, difficult.

Stupid fate, you suck ass.

Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate.

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we’ve become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

I eat soup with chopsticks—and straws. And I make love with the surgical precision of a sledgehammer.

A monster’s not a monster to another monster. At least that’s what I thought when I saw my mother-in-law talking to a statue of Stalin.

When the sky is blue, I think of her. When the sky is gray, I think of her. When the sky is black, I think of her. But when the sky is orange, I think...

Advice about love: When the green grape turns red, it’s time to separate the socks from the mittens.

I’d rather have a horse in a glass, because I’ll be just down the hall if you need me. My affection is fluid, so why won’t you let me love you?

I took some of the price off, and she took some of her clothes off. She made love and I made money.

I tried doing the head-bang they were doing and banged my head with the table several times before I understood that I shouldn’t be doing that.

These are the words of a fool: I am happy to be a fool, for i won’t spend my time gazing at lines difficult to decipher, while my mates are drinking with glee.

Thought for the day: Twitter…140 character limit…must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers…

If you try to buy my body, I’ll sell you my shadow. My shadow would make a great day laborer, because it’s solar powered.

I’m not interested in age. People who tell me their age are silly. You’re as old as you feel.

She wasn’t much for words, but she told me she loved me in other ways, like showing me her main superpower—invisibility. I often wouldn’t see her for weeks straight, and for her to show me...

Yesterday I shat rainbows until my anus started bleeding from a unicorn’s horn. Ah, the joys of being in love.

I love you” isn’t romantic. Still, I get credit for rowing, right?

Holding hands with your lover is special, especially when that hand is plastic, and that lover is a mannequin.

I loved her like the sun raining down on my skin. It was all so confusing, because was it raining or was it sunny? The answer is that love is always both, and that’s why...

Why donate to a sperm bank when you can deposit it directly in different women? When you love the world you try to seed it, like a porn farmer.

If the Baudelaire orphans had been stalks of celery, they would not have been small children in great distress, and if they had been lucky, Carmelita Spats would have not approached their table at this...

Oh, no” Emily laughed .”No, I don’t know what that is.

The “silly” question is the first intimation of some totally new development

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some.

My boxers should require batteries, because I’m such an exceptional lover that pizza delivery people call me for carry out. 30 minutes or less—as if!

Right now I have a milk mustache. I grew it on a cattle ranch, and then glued it to my face.

Love, it’s like catching barrels in a fish.

I drink coffee like other men paint pictures of naked women. I do it because I love the full body.

I am passionate about creating, not about procreating. My love for art is greater than my love for making love.