Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

For the sake of my loved ones, I don’t drink sake.

We made love sweet and gentle, like strawberry jelly. Peanut butter makes me horny.

His haircut looked like a spinning Frisbee on his forehead, and that’s why I fell in love. Because his girlfriend got tired of stray dogs trying to catch his face, and she liked that I...

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

Have you ever heard a blindfolded octopus unwrap a cellophane-covered bathtub?

It’s okay to be absurd, ridiculous, and downright irrational at times; silliness is sweet syrup that helps us swallow the bitter pills of life.

We can’t know if we laugh at ourselves for being silly or to forget that we’re not and that we are still here only by a sufferance that can be no more predicted than appeased....

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

Can I ask you something personal?”Six inches but I tell everyone eight.

Oh, how I longed to burst through the doors and go walking through the streets, with my hands open, like weapons!

I don’t like zombie movies, they’re just plain silly.

Ever been expecting guests for a dinner party & had to clear up a massive LEGO space-station before they arrived? (Who needs kids to play?!)

What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.

The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile.

Motorcycle helmets are bottomless. Strippers are topless. And my love is middleless.

Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

I want to be loved, but first, I want to love. I’ll love you and we’ll both feel good, and if you love me too that’d be great, but not entirely necessary.

We haven’t spoken in forever, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t love her. That’s what being in love with a mute is all about.

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

I’m not saying I’m not saying. I’m also not saying I’m in love, and I’m not not saying I’m in love.

We weren’t really friends yet, just knowers of each other’s secret stuff.

Robot. Is. Sad. Because silly bitch. Will. Not. Dance.

We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).

Love dances in my heart like a nudist in socks. Boy, that jig is awfully jiggly.

When I make love I use protection. I wear rubber gloves.

Our two hands were held together by love—and adhesive. Let no man separate what God hath joined together! Is it crazy? Yes—Krazy Glue.

I drink trees, and I pee beavers. I know, you must imagine that I’m an exceptional lover. And I am! (I’m imagined, not an exceptional lover).

Two decaying racehorse carcasses would make a great bathtub. I’m a fast lover.

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I’ve got it right.)Howe’er it was, he...

Good writing is remembering detail. Most people want to forget. Don’t forget things that were painful or embarrassing or silly. Turn them into a story that tells the truth.

Nerds are like slinkys. Not good for much, but they put a smile on your face when you push them down the stairs…

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

Personally, I thin knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.