The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

Have you ever heard a blindfolded octopus unwrap a cellophane-covered bathtub?

It’s okay to be absurd, ridiculous, and downright irrational at times; silliness is sweet syrup that helps us swallow the bitter pills of life.

We can’t know if we laugh at ourselves for being silly or to forget that we’re not and that we are still here only by a sufferance that can be no more predicted than appeased....

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.

Personally, I think knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

I admire your mustache madam, but I wonder, what’s for dessert?” Knowing her and knowing me, she probably thought I meant I love you.

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

My nose, it’s like a doorstop for fists. Violence is just my fellow man’s way of showing love to me.

The ice cube melted slowly like a candle, and I thought about my love for her and how it was like an ice cube candle and that I’ve always wanted to drink fire and make...

There’s a marked difference between Mark Ed and Ed Mark. Same as the difference between making love and loving make—and I do both, for a very reasonable price.

I sorted my sordid sort ofs from my maybes. Then I made love like never before. Seriously, I’d never made love before, and I have to say, it didn’t cost me as much money as...

Can I ask you something personal?”Six inches but I tell everyone eight.

Oh, how I longed to burst through the doors and go walking through the streets, with my hands open, like weapons!

I don’t like zombie movies, they’re just plain silly.