What does it say about me that I don’t say much? It doesn’t say I love you, and that’s sad, because when I ignore you, that’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you.

I once tried to shave my mustache off with a toothbrush. Just one example of my skills as a lover.

The woman I love rolled through town yesterday, and she didn’t even stop her wheelchair once as she passed through. I got so angry I had to walk it off.

If a friend starts behaving silly because you bother him so much, don’t worry, you’re not the first person, he has got a sting in his stomach, an hunger that causes an epidemic hatred.

I’m a voracious reader, and I like to explore all sorts of writing without prejudice and without paying any attention to labels, conventions or silly critical fads.

My mustache can be your toothbrush for the one-time low cost of $1.23. Each mustoothbrush is made from 100% recycled material.

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

Love is like a tall tree standing next to a midget. Well, it was like that, before it just walked away, leaving the midget just standing there, looking taller than normal.

Underwater nobody can dance. Let this be a lesson in basket weaving. And love.

Love is missing your flight because you have a train to catch. I also have a football to catch.

My love is fountainesque. Is your body drinkable?

He met her because I didn’t show up that day and he went in my place. If they get married, I should be the best man. I am Invisible Cupid, so where’s my monument to...

I’d drink from a hose, but I wouldn’t drink from a horse. I have other ways of showing I love you.

In between bites of banana, Mr. Remora would tell stories, and the children would write the stories down in notebooks, and every so often there would be a test. The stories were very short, and...

Hello, Mrs. Tran…I have David’s homework. And if you ever want to see it again, you’ll pay me the two million dollars I asked for.