I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

Your pants didn’t get smaller, Mommy,” I assured her. “Your butt got bigger.

I always wanted to be an explorer, but – it seemed I was doomed to be nothing more than a very silly person.

Moose Factory (I wonder if they make moose there?)

It wasn’t necessarily that I wasn’t a fan of fairies. Really. It wasn’t that. It was that I wasn’t a fan of being taken hostage by a group of fairies.

I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair.

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

I shed my clothes like a garage doesn’t shed—and a shed doesn’t garage. Then we made love like neighbors, so close, yet separated by several barriers.

The three of us made love like one of us was a voyeur. I was the only one using binoculars as a sex toy.

Your love, it takes me to the moon. Let’s get back to the film studio and start over. Pour a small cup of coffee while I take one large sip for mankind.

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

She had no legs, so I made her wear suspenders and I carried her like a backpack. True love knows no luggage.

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays.

Board the cows! We’ve come to enslave your marigolds.