Never mumble some sarcastic shit to somebody who can obviously fuck you up.

Dear Producers, Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without...

Even better. We’re going to be murdered in our beds by infidels.

If then, Moses so distinctly announces that there is in us not only a faculty, but also a facility for keeping all commandments, why are we sweating so much? … What need is there now...

It’s Thursday afternoon, and we have sports. These are the choices for the girls: watching an invitational cricket game; studying in one of the classrooms; or watching the senior rugby league. As you can imagine,...

To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.

We were in such good moods, we even decided to hit Todd’s house for candy. Sam rang the doorbell, and when it opened, this hideous, rubber monster face roared at us. Sam screamed. Todd started...

Yes”, she said her voice dripping with sarcasm. “That’s exactly what I’m saying, in fact let’s try sex again.” She leaped to her feet and torn open her jeans. “Maybe my magic vagina will cure...

Are you a house-wife, Mrs Silvers?’ he asked. ‘What would you recommend for getting burger relish out of a white shirt?’The seething woman cranked the venom-level of her gaze up to eleven, and Raven smiled...

I’m sorry I missed the meeting and hurt your little feely-weels okay?

And what are your interests and hobbies, Nicholas?” Annabel asked faintly, sounding like a cross between a television interviewer and a hostage. Nick considered this for a minute, and then said “I like swords.” Annabel...

Niko was a man of few words and flying, sugary snacks. I like that in a human. ~Catcher

America: It’s a free country; that is if you can afford it.

Here’s a tip…If you leave a girl crying you’re probably not doing your Don Juan routine right, asshole.

If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site.” Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil.

Can you enter a house uninvited?””No.””Why?””That would be rude.

A little girl robbed you?” Tessa said.”Actually, she wasn’t a little girl at all, as it turns out, but a midget in a dress with a penchant for violence, who goes by the name of...

Sarcasm is the language of people whose emotions are dying.

Don’t sound so surprised. I have sensible moments, you know.

That’s great,” Katie said. “Actually, it’s revolutionary. If you can work and be in love at the same time, you’re the first woman I ever knew that could. Maybe you’re the missing link, Amanda.”Maybe you...

I thought about suicide all the time, but it seemed toomuch effort, swallowing all those pills or jumping off things. If I’d lived out in the country I would have found a quiet stretch of...

I’m working from the assumption it’s going to go horribly wrong. If we get out of here with limbs intact and no aspen slivers in uncomfortable places, we’re calling it a win.”Merit/Jonah

Oh, well, that’ll keep me upnights.

Ivypool felt her mouth drop open “Hollyleaf? But…you you’re dead!” “Obviously not,” the newcomer replied with an edge to her voice.

But there was no going back to that idyllic time when only one god wanted to kill me.

Picture a place called the Karma Kafe and it’ll save me the bother of describing it. There was nothing in it you wouldn’t expect, from the Buddha flowerpots to the wallpaper decorated with symbols that...

Straw. I love luxury.

Coming into your powers can be a very confusing time. Perhaps there is a book on the subject. If you like, we can go see Marian.”Yeah, right. Choices and Changes. A Modern Girl’s Guide to...

It’s kind of depressing, if you think about it. I mean, me being so young, and yet so cynical and suspicious.

So the I.F. is spying on Earth.””Just as a mother spies on her children at play in the yard.””Good to know you’re looking out for us, Mummy.

Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.Yes, murmured Lord Henry, settling his button-hole in his coat; and when they grow older they know it.

I am alergic to these flowers.-I know.

Since you stand in the same bridge with him why don’t you two just jump off.

This is fantastically squalid,” said Milo. “We may never get out of here alive.

Plus, I just washed it.

I got an ‘A’ in Business Marketing in college!- as if that means a goddamn thing in the real world…

I have tried to teach you the wonders of the spiritual world……I have tried to show how we mortals can attain such wisdom……and I’ve decided you’re a pillock.[click on the thumbnail, art by Andrew Christine]

It’s fascinating. You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don’t make any sense.

I’m fully aware that some of the stuff I write is going to offend people or p*ss them off. They should be fully aware that I don’t really care.

Happy endings. *Groan*

Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore.

And little girls went to charm schools. Now you’ve all got degrees from the University of Sarcasm.

I’m so sunburned I’m embarrassed, but you can’t tell I’m blushing because I’m sunburned. I’m so ashamed I could just lie on the beach and die.

And her dumplings were so light they would float in the air and you’d have to catch ’em to eat ’em.

You want a friend in this city? [Washington, DC.] Get a dog!

Laughing at someone else is an excellent way of learning how to laugh at oneself; and questioning what seem to be the absurd beliefs of another group is a good way of recognizing the potential...

Dearest love, let me count the ways. Dismemberment, garroted, poisoned, drowned, named. I read that as soon as a species is named it begins its travels up the endangered list. Discovery meaning death.

MacMillian groaned again, and sat up. “Clients?””Yeah. You know, people who’ll give us money in exchange for work.

If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.

I have a black belt in sarcasm, and my wit is like lightning.