A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

Movado,” because it’s a waste of time. Instead of spending your free time trying to put a ball in a net, how about reading a few books.

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those...

A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you’ve got a friend for life. Say, do...

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t.

The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.

I am the WhoBob, but NOT the WHoBob Machine. That would be Dale Elad, who’s also the lead singer of Palindrome Lover.

A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present.

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

I know lots of things you don’t””Name five.””The Grand Unification Theory, tax law, binary, the capital of Azerbailan, and how tractors work.

A blanket could be used to stop the bleeding. But dammit you’re going to have to hurry, before I bleed out all over the carpet.

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

Are you watching the boats?” Cornelia guessed. She craned her neck to see if there was any excitement on the river.Heavens no, I’m spying on people,” Virginia responded unrepentantly.-Cornelia E and Virginia Somerset

OK,” Josh said evenly, “I’ve seen men made of mud, I guess I can accept spying rats. Do they talk?” he wondered aloud.Don’t be ridiculous,” Flamel snapped, “They’re rats.”Josh really didn’t think it was a...

Sometimes we know people who aretoo wonderful for words. I am not one of them.Or you, for that matter, as you well know.

If it doesn’t sweat, jiggle, or pant, it’s not alive.

You can’t jump for the stars if your feet hurt.

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History?

A brick could be used to stop war. Logically, a non-brick could be used to start a war. The most common non-brick war starter is of course a politician, which is misleading because despite being...

A blanket could be used to alter the future. But so can setting your watch ahead five minutes. Trust me, I’ve been to the future, and I was late.

A brick could be given as a graduation gift to a C student. It’s like here, welcome to a life in the construction industry.

Free sex with room.”

Oh, the dilemmas of a teenage psychic.

A brick could be used as a spoon—to eat, not cuddle. OK fine, you can use it to cuddle too.

When some Jeff tries to be other Jeffs, ain’t no Jeffrey in the house to be found smiling. Also, there are no Jeffries in this house.

A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you a glass of wine. It’s a shame, because I made it myself.

My white duvet is like an avalanche of blanket.

A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus.

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

A brick could be used like a used car salesman uses people. I know, because I used to sell cars. Well, technically I got fired precisely because I didn’t sell any cars.

Celebrate your disability at Handicapped Parking Spot Day. (Spaces are limited, so reserve your spot today.)

Do not stick your dick in a hair dryer. Not if you’ve got two tickets to Las Vegas and some leftover lasagna in your fridge.

I love Guns N’ Roses. Reminds me of the last time I tried to pick flowers from my neighbor’s garden.

Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.

A brick could be placed in an empty circular room, so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner, he won’t feel so stupid and will know where to go.

A blanket could be used to cover up your infidelity. Either use the blanket to hide your cheating ways, or figure out how to fornicate with all your clothes on.

A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know, for your enjoyment.

She told you to G.T.F.O. over text????

A brick could be used as a paperweight, if the words you wrote weren’t weighty enough to hold it down.

A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.

After a long moment I closed the freezer door. I wanted to lie down and press my cheek against the cool linoleum. Instead I reached out with my little finger and flipped the Barbie’s head....

You can sit on a brick, and milk a cow with a blanket.

Every morning the first thing I do is serve my husband a bowl full of praises. More then his stomach I try to keep his ego full.