Fries Before Guys

The Bible talks about building houses on sand and rock, but says nothing about a brick house built on a blanket.

It’s easy to make women happier and busier. How? Buy her a talking mirror beside bitching it has to be programmed to say, “You are looking very beautiful and slimmer,” at precisely every hour.

I like people who can keep the conversation going no matter how random the topic gets.

Act first, explain later.

Blankets could be used as tents. That would free up tents to be used as portable sex stalls.

A blanket could be used to sell your winningest product to your loserest customer. Oh, loserest is a word. I know, because I just wrote it.

A blanket could be used like so many poor people get used and then thrown away like a sack of baloney that’s started to turn green. It’s sad really, when you consider all the sandwiches...

I make love like a brick could be used as toilet paper. Sure, it’s rough, but I thought you liked that shit.

My routine is comforting, like a comforter. But a blanket could easily be used to replace my routine, because a comforter is a blanket.

A blanket could be used to draw a map on—a treasure map, and not something Google has knowledge of. Want to know what’s under the X? My erection.

Love is like building a wall with two bricks and a ton of wind. Obviously you and your lover are bricks.

I can hardly be expected to think like Santa. I get three times the letters, I poop burritos, and my penis is two reindeers more plentiful.

I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.

A brick could be used to keep your sandwich pressed down, so your meat doesn’t spill out.

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is not only would it have zero emissions, but it would also have a...

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.

People who always arrive early aren’t worth waiting for.

Red calls out to the rose, but I’m the only one who’s listening.

A guy has needs, but so does a girl. She just needs the right person to make her hot enough to ask for them to be met.

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a...

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

The Maddoxes could sense trouble. At least it seemed that way, because whenever there was a fight, they had either started it, or finished it. Usually both.

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

I want to make you hold onto that bag while I bury myself in you so hard and so deep you don’t know your own name. -Nick Rixey

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better.

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason.

How many beers do y’all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, ‘Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?’ ‘ Sam drawled.

… reading was hardly as practical a skill as being able to handle a dagger or use Allomancy?

Thank you so much for the rude know-it-all attitude while also having to look at your ridiculously colored hair and obnoxious facial and chest piercings. I am very fortunate to have just been schooled by...

A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be ready to play receiver.

A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA.

A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer.

A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

A blanket could be used to put the war in warm. Just paint the blanket like an American flag, and then try to convince the world that they are cold and need us to stop...

A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sounds, because I’ll be the band’s lead singer, and my sexy voice is like melted butter on a corn on...

A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself.

Somebody left a pair of baby shoes on a bench. I would have taken them home, if only they weren’t too big for my feet.

Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick.

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t.

The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.

I am the WhoBob, but NOT the WHoBob Machine. That would be Dale Elad, who’s also the lead singer of Palindrome Lover.