To the potluck I brought something I randomly found in my fridge. It was the source of the stink.

A blanket could be used to make all your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. Just the ones that are happening while you are sleeping.

A blanket could be used to sail with the wind. That wind is provided by my ceiling fan, and my boat is my bed. Why don’t you come over, and I’ll teach you the art...

Did you ever wish you had a book that would explain the full meaning of life’s random happenings to you?

A blanket is great for covering things, like the dead guy, I just killed with this brick.

Not that I don’t appreciate the rescue,” Holt said. “But I’m forced to ask, in the interest of self-preservation … exactly how well armed are you right now?

Now you got us whammied with the curse of squirmy death.

Party at in my mind, you’re place sucks

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.

A blanket could be used to ward off warts. I tested it out last Tuesday on my Aunt Velma, and she doesn’t have a wart on her body. It’s probably true that she didn’t have...

A brick could be used to keep you warm at night, in the same way that a blanket could be used to smother a lover while they sleep.

A brick could be used to increase your annual sales. But before you can sell, you’ve got to buy. For just $9.99 I’ll show you how a common brick can transform you into an uncommon...

A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And the only reason she didn’t become my life partner was because I outlived...

A blanket could be used to keep me single. Not that I need any help from anybody or anything to stay single. Actually, to stay single, I need the full cooperation of the entire female...

I love this book like I love a brick and a blanket, which could be used to teach people the value of safe sex. Remember, if you’re going to have safe sex, try not to...

R u in?”

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

A brick could be used to show how patient you are. Somewhere between one brick and a million bricks lies a home. For me, my home is one brick, and I carry it with me...

A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a vampire shark, let alone caught one, I think it would be unreasonable to dismiss the idea entirely.

A brick could be used as a patsy in a murder plot.

I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket.

I could fuck on my back like 4:44. But I don’t. I do it like 3:33.

What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can’t decipher.

My vagina already has its own mustache.

Wow! This was one advanced society.”

A brick could be used as a logo for a company called Blanket. A right turn signal in the left turn only lane could be used to represent a company called Brick.

A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care.

A sex trophy should be functional, and shaped like a dildo, yet decorative, and shaped like Ben Bernanke. Insert it in your ass as desired.

A brick could be used to help teach teenagers to tie their shoes. Honestly, if they are so stupid that they haven’t figured out how to tie their own shoes by now, torture really is...

A skyscraper is to a brick as a pyramid is to____________A) a vagina, B) a particular vagina, or C) your mother’s vagina.

A brick could be used as another brick, as they all look the same. So yes, I am for human cloning as a means to build the future.

Hand me my pants,

I am not being overly harsh. Overtly hostile, yes, but exactly the right amount of harsh.

Nothing’s random. Even if it looks that way, it’s just because you don’t know the causes.

Luck is not as random as you think.Before that lottery ticket won the jackpot, someone had to buy it.

Sometimes it was like Neil was from an alien planet, where people never asked for or shared anything emotional without deeply apologizing first. He assured me that he was simply British. And that we Americans,...

And when you get where you’re going, you darn well better look great!

The bad news is most of my books are ebooks and aren’t for sale in brick-and-mortar bookstores. The good news is that most of my books are ebooks and are perfect for emailing and I’m...

A brick could be used to decorate the interior of your anus. Here, bend over and let me demonstrate.

A brick could be used to suppress certain groups of people, particularly those individuals who are too weak to stand up and say Hey, somebody get this brick off of me—it’s crushing me!

A blanket could be used to fill the night sky with smoke, if you use it to suffocate the fire. And if you mess it up, I’ll use my hands to suffocate you.

I’m not blanketing the truth when I say: Give a man a brick, and he’ll fish for a day. But give a man a fish, and he’ll brick for the rest of his life.

A blanket could be used to reduce the weight of love, by exactly one person. It’s a cold world out there.

A blanket could be used to travel to exotic places. Just close your eyes and see for yourself.

Surviving cancer is cool, but surviving old age is cooler.

A brick could be used as an identifier, for all those people with no real identities. I’m talking about clones, because just like bricks, each clone is exactly like the next.

A blanket could be used to fill in the blank.

A blanket could be used to keep your body warm. After all, your body starts cooling off rapidly once you die. But don’t worry, I’ll bury you someplace quiet, someplace sacred, someplace so secret the...

A brick could be duct taped in front of your eyes, like a blindfold, so you can have that feeling of hitting your head against a brick wall all the time.