Thank you so much for the rude know-it-all attitude while also having to look at your ridiculously colored hair and obnoxious facial and chest piercings. I am very fortunate to have just been schooled by...

A brick could be used to better improve relations with your relatives. But if you’re going to play quarterback, you’d better be ready to play receiver.

A blanket could be used as a smothering agent, sort of like an employee of the NSA.

A brick could be slid on a wood floor, like a rolling bowling ball, in an attempt to fill the seconds between swallows of beer.

A brick is slow, when it’s lying on the floor. But fast when just thrown.

A blanket could be used to put the war in warm. Just paint the blanket like an American flag, and then try to convince the world that they are cold and need us to stop...

A brick could be used as a musical instrument. It doesn’t matter how bad it sounds, because I’ll be the band’s lead singer, and my sexy voice is like melted butter on a corn on...

A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself.

Somebody left a pair of baby shoes on a bench. I would have taken them home, if only they weren’t too big for my feet.

Will you sleep with me?” I expect you to run to the bedroom, get naked, and get under the blanket. Whatever you do, do not reach for the brick.

A brick could be used like the point where always meets never. I mean come on, who wouldn’t want to watch a brick levitate?

A brick could be used as a floatation device. But only use it if the person drowning is a politician.

A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is not only would it have zero emissions, but it would also have a...

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.

People who always arrive early aren’t worth waiting for.

Red calls out to the rose, but I’m the only one who’s listening.

A guy has needs, but so does a girl. She just needs the right person to make her hot enough to ask for them to be met.

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a...

A brick on a stick could be licked like a lollipop.

A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases, it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash, and...

The Maddoxes could sense trouble. At least it seemed that way, because whenever there was a fight, they had either started it, or finished it. Usually both.

Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Honestly, he raised chickens, so he should have seen it coming.

Remember what?” And that’s precisely my point—you can’t even remember what you can’t remember, and I’m here with a blanket to help. So scoot over and let me lay in your bed with you.

A brick could be used to cut things. The duller the object, the sharper the user has to be to make it work.

I want to make you hold onto that bag while I bury myself in you so hard and so deep you don’t know your own name. -Nick Rixey

Blankets make great traps for the clinically insane, but a straightjacket might work better.

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason.

How many beers do y’all think it takes before one internationally scientist turns to another and says, ‘Dude, bet you twenty bucks I can levitate a frog with a magnet?’ ‘ Sam drawled.

I don’t drink to make others look better, I just drink to make myself feel prettier.

A brick could be used to win the love of a beautiful girl. The trick to getting it to work is just trying it again and again until you get the desired results.

A brick could be used to stop time. I did it once at my uncle’s house, and I nearly wrecked the universe. He wanted to spank me, but decided not to, because he was afraid...

A brick could be used to help you write the book you’ve always wanted to write. That is, if you wanted to write a book on masonry with a target market of two—your parents.

A brick could be used to represent a memory. That way when you live in a brick house, you could be living in the past.

A blanket could be used for political transparency. After all, what’s more see-through than a brick wall?

A blanket could be used to fly interdimensionally. My penis is a wormhole.

A brick could be used to back the dollar. Hey, it’s better than the dollar being backed by nothing, right?

Movado,” because it’s a waste of time. Instead of spending your free time trying to put a ball in a net, how about reading a few books.

I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those...

A brick could be used as a PRA, or Person Replacement Apparatus. Just give the brick a name, start talking to it, and before you know it you’ve got a friend for life. Say, do...

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t.

The rooftop of the mouth is where the chest must sing love songs.

I am the WhoBob, but NOT the WHoBob Machine. That would be Dale Elad, who’s also the lead singer of Palindrome Lover.

A brick could be dropped on your mother-in-law’s head from the height of 66.6 feet. You know, as a going away present.

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

A brick could be used to remind me of her. I mean everything else reminds me of her, so why not a brick too?

A blanket might make the ideal politician, because they’re warm, comforting, soft, and easily corruptible.

I know lots of things you don’t””Name five.””The Grand Unification Theory, tax law, binary, the capital of Azerbailan, and how tractors work.