Are you mad? Or have you been skulking around the bars of Barbary XIII?

Just like a summer sausage, and I’m not talking about the snack-sized ones. And it’s attached to a body that could put Dwayne Johnson to shame. What women could resist a package like that? I’d...

Yeah? Well, if there’s anything worse than a whore it’s a bore.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

A brick could be used to build a future with me. Come, let’s start a life together.

A blanket could be used to cause global warming. If you don’t want to future generations to die, I’d recommend shivering in your bare bed.

A brick could be used to measure the speed of gravity, but an apple offers a tastier option.

A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears about society not being accepting of adults who watch movies directed at an...

I pee whilst seated. But it’s hard to focus with people honking at me.

A blanket could be used to suffocate our secret desires. And what do I secretly desire? I desire suffocation, and that is why I must suffocate my desire.

It’s funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.

A brick could be used as brain filler for the political mind, just in case one of our elected officials needs a brain transplant to try to boost their intellectual capabilities.

A brick could be used like March 5th marches in a marching band. And guess what, as the marching band director, I am the cement that holds everyone’s shoes in sync at the bottom of...

A brick could be used as a fashion accessory. Or an accessory to murder. I believe the phrase is, “If looks could kill.

Just because I wear a size 14 shoe does not mean I’ll take it off when I go to shake your hand.

My internal voice raised its decibel level. Sam O. Same

Sometimes you don’t know what you’re looking for until it’s already knocked you flat on your back. -Cade

A brick and a blanket represent two lovers who can never be together. I simply forbid it!

A blanket could be used to protect your heart from heartbreak. Keep your heart warm, because if your heart grows as cold as ice, it’s much more likely to shatter.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

But you will trust me again, Annabelle. You will want me again, and we will be together. I will behave. You’ll see. – Zacharel

A brick could be used as a marketing tool. I’ll help you grow your business, if you help me plant this brick in the ground.

Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular about the shape of her boobs.

Twelve thousand seven hundred and fifty-four dollars and three cents in coins, from six centuries.

He seemed to be staring at the chain hanging from the ceiling fan. Seconds later, he confirmed this by reaching out and tugging the chain. Light clicked on.He tugged the chain again.Light went off.Oh for...

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay off my American Express Bill”- Peter Ustinov, 1921-2004

You should never put the new antlers of a deer to your nose and smell them. They have little insects that crawl into the nose and devour the brain.

You’re every song I have ever sung. I’ll never let anything hurt you again. For the first time in my life, my dreams aren’t about me.”I lifted my eyes up to meet hiss, and he...

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and...

Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks to sell you.

A blanket could be used to separate the winners from the losers. With the exception of me, all men are losers, and only the winners are allowed under the blanket. Sorry, fellas, but there is...

Cats are living, breathing blankets. But a blanket, no matter how furry, cannot be used like a purrless cat.

A blanket could be used to spread the love around. Tuck it in at the edges, so nobody can hog all the amor.

A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick.

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.

Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks, where will we keep all the gold that’s kept there? I still need...

A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a pupil as in student. Seems a bit silly to try to teach eyes...

A brick could be used to squiggle your signature with. And while you’re in the autographing mood, why don’t you sign your name at the bottom of the lunch bill.

A brick could be used to gauge the level of reciprocated sexual interest of the person or object of your desire. A brick works best, however, when the focus of your lust is the brick...

A brick could be used to describe somebody hard and inflexible, and a blanket could be used to describe somebody warm and easygoing.

Clone One’s last name will be Martz. Clone Two I’ll call Martinez.

Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service.Shut up.Thank you.Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy.Hope your diodes rot.Thank you. Have a nice day.Stomp stomp stomp stomp....

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

A brick is what I’m voting for for President. And guess what? If you’re voting for a Republican or Democrat, so are you.