A clone’s most valuable function would be as a gift giver, because who else but you knows exactly what you want? Only your clone. And besides being the perfect gift, it’d also be a surprise,...

A brick could be renamed something clever and cute, like President, and repackaged and resold to a solid base of sheep consumers every four years. The sheeple will never even notice that every new model...

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

The cloud cover made for a terrible blanket.

A brick could be used as a flashlight. What, still dark? Check the batteries, because they may be dead.

A brick could be pet, like a dog, and taught to shit in my neighbor’s yard.

In order to do the unthinkable, do not think about it.

He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and get them all stinky. He had a flight to catch and a tiny...

If I die, who’s going to take care of my shadow? Or will it return to the night, from whence it came? While I sleep at night I keep my shadow folded neatly in my...

My name is Moscow Moonlove. My friends call me Moss, Cow, Moo, Moon, or Tigerpants.

A brick could be put on the end of a scale, to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. (Hint: The truth is much heavier than a brick.)

A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message.

Unoka went into an inner room and soon returned with a small wooden disc containing a kola nut, some alligator pepper and a lump of white chalk. “I have kola,” he announced when he sat...

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.

A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love...

A brick could be used to sell new shoes to a man with no hands. I would say a brick could be used to sell a handless man new gloves, but that’s a bit of...

Unicorns are not real, though we still dream about them! DREAM ON!

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you’ve ever held dear with the greatest of ease.

It’s because of this woman I’m still fighting!”A sudden silence falls across the crowd, and Remington’s hars, enraged voice continues telling them, “Next time I’m on the ring, I’m going to fucking win for her,...

He openned the door that he assumed was the garage only to find himself in the pantry.crap.”Um . . . grabbing some Pop-Tarts for the road,” Nick said, covering his mistake. Still, they both stared...

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

A blanket could be used to spot the blind. I’d spot Helen Keller nine points in a ten-point basketball game.

A blanket could be used to what the hell your way out of your neighbor’s bedroom.

A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit is in the renewals and extending the service as long as possible.

A brick could be used to illustrate your innocence. I can help you with that, because I brought a crayon.

A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick and break it, but can you punch a brick, shatter it, and then...

If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the world are to blame for global warming, and I think our political leaders,...

A blanket could be used like Lenny McDenny says hello. He never says hi, because he only says goodbye. He’s always leaving and never arriving. I’m like that too, except I’m always arriving and never...

A blanket, no matter how thin, could be sliced thinner, and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a multitude of people warm. But not that warm.

The other day I found 20 dollars. It was just lying in a wallet I took from some guy’s pocket.

Teamwork is me helping you build a brick wall that will come between us and forever divide us. Division through unity.

A brick could be used like a fleeglebeegle, which in turn could be used like a zoopkatofka, which itself could be used like a Wexlybexter Device (the one with the hand crank, not the one...

A blanket could be used to cure the common cold. I mean, come on it’s just common sense. A blanket is warm, and if a cold is what it’s named, then a blanket would transform...

If my semen had chunks of crumbled brick in it, would you use yogurt to try to impregnate your fireplace?

You can build with brick, and you can also destroy with a brick.

It’s fun!” I only hope it didn’t take a government grant to achieve this scientific breakthrough.

I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet.

My name is Davis Davis. And don’t call me Mr. Davis! How would you like it if I called you Mr. Archibald, or whatever your first name is?

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

Sorry, we don’t serve rigid nonthinkers here.” So the brick and the pastor look at the politician, who turns around and leaves.

A brick could be locked in a safe, because nobody will try to steal it there.

We are pattern seekers, believers in a coherent world, in which regularities appear not by accident but as a result of mechanical causality or of someone´s intention. We do not expect to see regularity produced...

Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?

Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!

A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.

You can tell he’s mexican because of his chinese eyes.

For loose teeth the tooth fairy recommends tying your tooth to a brick and throwing said brick down the stairs.

I’m more than a few neurons shy of a synapse right now, and it feels absolutely fan-fucking-tastic.

You are who you are, when NO ONE is LOOKING

All of my best friends are dead people. Someday I’ve got to figure out how that happened.