Just got done giving my cat a haircut and eating dinner. The two events are unrelated, though I might cough up a hairball later on.

I would pull at my beard like a wise man, but I don’t have one—a beard (or a wise man). So instead I pull at my grandpa’s beard, as he purrs like a kitten.

It was probably my mother’s screaming that frightened the cat. It’s just a guess. No one knows for sure why a cat fell from a ten-storey building onto my head.

Why did you tell her I’m your boyfriend? Why doesn’t she know about your real one? – TimmyHe’s English! And Mom…Mom hates foreigners! – Cat

I hope worms shit on your corpse!” was my reply. A ghost had just gotten to third base with me. Could I sink any lower?

You’re not shooting the cat. It would leave a mess.

It’s a small world.” . . . “When you put it in a cemetery it is.

My cat mocks me frequently. It’s the universe’s way of keeping me from getting too big of an ego.

I can sing!” I say defensively adding, “Like a choking cat.

Church was doing what he often did when dropped – lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.

I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.

I love when my cat crushes his forehead into mine like my skull is an empty beer can. But it’s not—there’s still a sip left.

Sometimes I kick my cat. But I’m asleep, and he sleeps at the foot of my bed. It’s not like I kick it intentionally, like it was a politician.

I never hear about dear Mike. I wrote Ellen Greene and asked about him and she replyed and never mentioned Mike but told me all about her roomatism. As if I cared about her roomatism.

Vicious,” came Vlad’s reply, amusement clear in his tone.

Can we move this along?” a bored voice stated. “I have places to be and people to shag.””Ian, I’m not going to hug you,” I stated as I approached him. “I know you like this...

Meow, meow, meow. Meow meow. Meoow,” Boo told me, obviously having a full day and feeling I needed to be kept apprised of every second of it.

The Glass Cat is one of the most curious creatures in all Oz. It was made by a famous magician named Dr. Pipt before Ozma had forbidden her subjects to work magic. Dr. Pipt had...

I had learned that a dexterous, opposable thumb stood among the hallmarks of human success. We had maintained, even exaggerated, this important flexibility of our primate forebears, while most mammals had sacrificed it in specializing...

For several centuries, the Celtic church of Ireland was spared the Greek dualism of matter and spirit. They regarded the world with the clear vision of faith. When a young Celtic monk saw his cat...

My cat’s favorite sport is economics, and his favorite player is Ben Bernanke. But it’s just too violent for me to enjoy.

I got him a cool gift. I got him a pack of razors, and a really furry dead cat.

Quick, how do you pick up a cat?””Buy her a drink.

Charlie whistled “Amazing Grace” as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn’t he pick something more appropriate, like “Shout at the...

Bring me liquor, Bones, fast, to take my foot out of my mouth.Cat to Bones

We have to leave!” I said to Vlad. “Now.””Run, Forest, run!” Vlad mocked.”Stow it, Drac,” I snapped

The world would probably be better if people were put in carriers and cats roamed free.

A cat’s head rubbing your cheeks can give you a wonderful feeling, that of being loved and accepted.

The cat’s manner of rejection was like cold, white light.

Waandishi wanapaswa kuwa wadadisi, kama paka, ijapokuwa udadisi ni hatari.

I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book is for a town with a population of four). I call him Cap’n...

My love does not entail a tail. But my cat’s does.

A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires.

…you don’t care because you’re all that and I’m just an artery in a dress.

Bastard hits harder than a fucking freight train.”I just smiled. “I know.

Then his sixth sense is broken.

In this world, you get what you pay for.

I’m like a stray cat. If you feed me, I don’t leave.

There was once an abbot who had spent thirty-nine years alone in the temple with cats as his only companions. As someone who believed that faith and willpower could conquer any difficulty, the abbot began...

Louis found me in the rear parlor, the one more distant from the noises of the tourists in the Rue Royale, and with its windows open to the courtyard below. I was in fact looking...

I have an abnormally shaped brain. According to neuroimaging, my brain looks like a curled up sleeping kitten. That’s how I make love like meow.

Love is meant to be felt, like a cat. I’m meowing for your affection.

I had a dream where I lost Cap’n among the hundreds of black and white cats and they all looked nearly identical to him. It was such a sad dream that it made me drool...

Just as I was thinking I would never find my animus, I caught sight of my shadow and laughed out loud. I’d thrown myself onto the floor in frustration – my head resting on one...

You’ve gotten on my last nerve.”The table went crashing into her before she could blink, and then my fist found a home inher perfectly arranged hair.

You do that, and I take back every nasty thing I’ve ever said about you.”He grinned, his mood changing from serious to wicked in an instant. “Why? I’m all those things and more.

Crap.It’s all crap.Living is crap.Life has no meaning.None. Nowhere to be found.Crap.Why doesn’t anybody realize this?

A female feline named KattaIs getting fatta and fattaBut she’s pretty and purryAnd funny and furrySo what does an ounce or two matta?

Meg’s face clouded, and I wondered if she was going to rain the way people do sometimes.

The cat, it is well to remember, remains the friend of man because it pleases him to do so and not because he must.