I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.