I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.