I told her that I didn’t want to take any drugs. That I had come here not to take drugs. “Listen,” she said, not unkindly, “up until now I would say that ninety-nine percent of...

The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God’s mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

114 isn’t as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could...

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They’re always saying: ‘Oh, no. It will never work. You’ll never amount to anything. You’ve got to know your place in the world.’

America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always...

People talk to old people like they’re children.’Oh you’re very old aren’t you?’ Yeah I’m old. I’m not stupid.

Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn’t do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but...

I’m not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it...

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I’m out. I’m gone.

I don’t get emails from my corporate overlords.

From this moment on I’d dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

If a man doesn’t know how to dance he doesn’t know how to make love, there I said it!

Be careful who you choose as your hero or who you choose to deify, be it Clay Aiken or Barack Obama. You put all you’re hope and all your dreams and all your ideas about...

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we’d get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what...

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they’d have to...

I freely admit I’m confused. I’m a confused and troubled individual but at the same time…Its Free!

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

I don’t know now if I’m funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that’s funny.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living – and earning a living.

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

I didn’t say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

I think I’m just someone that just tries to get by. I’m kind of – if it was during the Second World War, I’d be a black marketeer, I think.

The truth is that Leon, like a lot of those-maybe everyone-who trips on acid, never really came back. he recovered but he was never the same guy again. He had lost something-innocence of hell. Acid...

It ‘s the time of year when Canadians mate.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

I wanted to be a rock star.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it’s faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up –...

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.

If you can’t trust, you can’t be trustworthy.

I aim to please. I’m nothing if not a vaudevillian.

I’ve been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can’t run. That was a revelation.

Oh Satan you’re a wily one.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don’t already know

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

It’s not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We’re not afraid of failure.

You gotta laugh because if you didn’t you’d cry

It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one...

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

I’m reading a book, because I’m brainy. No, it is a book – if you don’t know, it is like a blog except bigger.

When in doubt about who’s to blame. Blame the English.

Ros was dead.He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.