Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven’t touched a drop of...

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food’s in the oven. And I’m in the bedroom performin’ self lovin’.

He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It’s just a pitch that you missed, and you’d better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot...

HD doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s a technical thing. It’s like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn’t Scotland’s fault. It was my circumstances. I was – I hate...

If I start giving people what they like I’ll turn into one of them and I don’t want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long dayAnd you’ve got the sandman at your door. But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.Its ok. You can always sleep...

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I’m telling you why,Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such...

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That’s really how you have to approach it. You’re a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the...

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

It’s very interesting to know what people are doing while you’re working on late-night television.

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful – the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards – going after them. We shouldn’t be attacking the...

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and … go at them.

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I’m lost.

There’s just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what’s actually, physically, going on.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don’t believe that.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty...

I’m gonna enjoy being old I think I’ll be awesome at it.

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It’s 12:30 at night, you don’t want some guy yelling at you. You want some...

I’m crazy. I know I’m crazy ’cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he’s very clever. He said, ‘You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.’ And I’m going to.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else’s.

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. ‘You don’t pay me back I break both yer legs.’ Is that all? You won’t take my house or wreck...

I’m a terrible interviewer. I’m not a journalist – although I have a Peabody Award – and I’m not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, ‘Well, you’re supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.’ It’s an appropriate feeling to...

Gillette–The best a man can get.”I stared at the screen. What happened to me? I was meant to be one of those guys, vigorous and athletic and successful and, most of all, American. I was...

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I’d sooner die than owe anyone money for helping...

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the...

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

It’s the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you’ve got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.

I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, ‘Come out to Hollywood for 10...

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn’t matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

That’s why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? … They are Evil.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word ‘existentialism.’

Historically, when Americans don’t know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: ‘What am I going to do now? I’ll go to Paris!’

Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.