Despite being named Scott, I really like not being named Scott. I make love like I have no idea what my name is or where I’m at or why there’s always one guy in the...

real” relationship?

I often confuse fog and mist. But one is not the other any more than either are either. Let this be a lesson in love.

I’d lick the water out of your bathtub, just to prove I love you—and that I’m not a cat.

If life has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what you should do, you should love. Even if you’re in the process of murdering someone, possibly a politician, your heart should be filled with...

Vanessa Sky Ellis scours the streets of NYC looking for celebrities to take selfies with, while I scrounge up quarters to try to buy love out of vending machines. I have had sex with more...

I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I need to get a garage.

A blanket could be used to make people smile. But the blanket won’t make just anyone smile—it will make people with no mouths smile. I plan on showing a live audience how it works at...

Bricks could be used to fill my empty trophy cabinet. But first I’ve got to win them.

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

When you are in the company of lunatics, behave like a lunatic. When you are in the company of intelligentsias, speak with brilliance…that is how a chameleon behaves, the territory changes it, and it adapts...

But I think bands that rolled in with a big attitude, like they were some big deal, I just found that very strange.

Strange world isn’t it?

We have just begun to navigate a strange region; we must expect to encounter strange adventures, strange perils.

A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of the murderer, and enclose him in his room.

A blanket could be used as a soggy umbrella, if you’re too cheap to buy my 360-degrees spinning windshield wiper on a stick. Think of it like a one-bladed helicopter, and picture yourself as dry...

A brick could be used as a device to deliver bad news. Sometimes it’s better to be blunt.

A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself.

If I hung out with Van Gogh, I don’t know what we’d do. We’d just play it by ear, I guess.

A brick could be used to bestow gratitude upon your favorite (or least favorite) politician. Let them know your approval level by giving them the gift that says both Thank You—and Fuck You.

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don’t actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children...

I’ll weave the waves into a sea blanket of goodbye.

A brick could be used to balance work and play. Just place the brick on the top of your head, and don’t let it drop. This will ensure you don’t play too hard—or work too...

The wall of silence that exists between us is as long as the Great Wall of China. And though it’s the same length, our wall is about two bricks quieter.

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.

The mouth is made for communication, and nothing is more articulate than a kiss.

Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work,...

A brick could be used for pressing grapes into wine, and a magician could then cover up that wine with a blanket and turn wine into water.

I’ll take a brick in a blanket, hold the ice.” What the bartender started, the Finnish guy finished, and the brick and the blanket thought they’d better to drink elsewhere. * A brick in a...

A brick could be used as a substitute for the brother I never had. It seems ridiculous, but I’ve always wanted a brother who was smarter than the average politician.

A brick could replace your window, if your window’s opaque, and you throw the brick hard enough.

My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him.

Don’t keep me in the dark—let me take off my honorary Helen Keller blindfold and let’s make love like we have no senses except nonsense.

In my dreams, my spare penis was decomposing in my closet, and to me it was a symbol of our love.

I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I chickened out, like a beef taco. The crunchy kind, not the soft shell.

I just yawned. Now that is exciting. Almost as thrilling as making love to me thirty minutes after I’ve fallen asleep.

It always struck me that Africa was, in a strange way, a futuristic place and had elements and vibes and spirits that were going to inform the future. Africa Express is an attempt to engage...

A brick could be used to help you become the next Great American Novelist. Hopefully after you use it to crack your own skull, and not too long after your death, the public will realize...

A brick could be used to stop people from reading my book. Just place the brick on the book’s cover, to discourage people from opening it up.

I dress a little strange. I dress a little theatrically.

I feel a strange sensation brewing inside of me. It tickles my throat and forces my lips into a grin. Before I can stifle it, I giggle. And then I laugh.

She had a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach, like when you’re swimming and you want to put your feet down on something solid, but the water’s deeper than you think and there’s...

Almost everything strange washes up near Miami.

Not only is the Universe stranger than we think, it is stranger than we can think.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.