A brick could be used to crush the Fruit of Desire and make the Juice of Destiny. Drink it before I lose my erection.

A brick could be used to help you to become a karate master, like I am. It’s easy to punch the brick and break it, but can you punch a brick, shatter it, and then...

If a blanket could be used to keep one person warm, then it stands to reason that all the blankets in the world are to blame for global warming, and I think our political leaders,...

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

My shadow falling over a spot of land always increases its real estate value. Buy it now, because at high noon, all value will vanish.

A brick could be used as a cock block.

A blanket could be used as a cover of your favorite song by your favorite cover band.

A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore,...

A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is not only would it have zero emissions, but it would also have a...

Do I mind losing? No, because losses and wins are just the bricks on the path to success. Both losing and winning are needed to find prosperity.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price.

A brick could be surgically inserted in the chest of a man who needs a heart transplant. And for just $20,000 more dollars, that brick could be replaced with a new heart.

A brick could be a politician, if you attached strings, taught it to dance, and allowed it to read a teleprompter. Remember: whether it’s Republican or Democrat, it’s still a brick, and it will do...

We made love like we made dinner. We had leftovers.

A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the future.

There was a pause, while I fought against this other, lesser kind of death that was creeping over me – this death called strangeness, this snapping of all the customary little threads of cause and...

Love is the walrus I crayon with like it’s the Eifel Tower. I know, love doesn’t make much sense to me, either.

I saw her from across the room, and I knew I was in love. I also knew why I’d seen no urinals, as I was clearly in the wrong bathroom.

When one is two, it is love, and one plus one equals three.

I’ve been to a horse farm, a magical place where jockeys grow on trees. That’s where we made love for the first time like it was the second time.

I invented a Love Machine. You should buy two, one as a backup—or to run both simultaneously while you masturbate.

Sleeping in a tinfoil suit keeps me warmer and helps prepare me for my voyage to the moon. Would you care for some licorice?

Duck!” Not a Feathery Quack Maker, but Get down!

A blanket could be used to reaffirm your faith in God, though I’d suggest using something a little firmer, like a brick.

When the north wind blew across the tar ponds, voices were carried away.

I don’t get sent anything strange like underwear. I get sent cookies.

The bottom line may be that my inventing buildings is, indeed, a very private kind of activity. But it’s done to be shared. It is comforting and consoling. From the reactions I get I can...

All living things contain a measure of madness that moves them in strange, sometimes inexplicable ways.

Once, I ordered two thousand lady bugs from the local garden center and set them loose in the atrium. I sprinkled marigold seeds in the ficus planters and put gold fish in the lobby fountain....

The More Interesting Than.” I would say get Miley Cyrus to do it, but she isn’t interesting enough.

A blanket could help me tell you I love you. Well, it could if I did, but I don’t, so I’ll just use the blanket to go to sleep on our relationship.

A blanket could be used to stop abuse. Don’t cover up the atrocity—cover up your head, because what you don’t see, may as well not exist.

A brick could be used to separate the Jorges from the hoorays.

A blanket could be used to confuse and disorient. Think of it not as a bed adornment, but as a really big blindfold.

A blanket could be used as a parachute, for jumping out of dreams.

A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.

A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company of others who posses similar intellects and interests. And as I have just...

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

A brick could be used to satisfy your hunger—and satisfy my curiosity.

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what kind of life am I trying to build? Well, I guess I want...

A brick could be used as a patsy in a murder plot.

I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket.

We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

A blanket can be wrapped around one’s head and used as a helmet. It’s particularly appropriate if you wear your blanket helmet during a pillow fight with me, because unbeknownst to you, I’ll have a...

A brick could be used to stop a bleeding wound. Though just between you and me, I’d prefer to be bandaged by a Band-Aid, a blanket, or a pair of lace panties (preferably red).

Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.