It’s always funny that you can try and try again to steal all your critics’ ammo, predict their responses, but no matter what, they’ll still have a water gun stashed somewhere.

I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, “Wait until we’re finished eating.

Let’s make love in the library—in the romance section.

I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover.

You’re late.” I stopped, my jaw open and slack, because I knew she was right. I was late—but for what? I was late for love.

The Mile High City has mile-high expectations. That’s 5,280 feet, you know. That’s five millipedes and 2.8 centipedes for all you lovers out there.

Liquid kittens would be drinkable cuddles. You wouldn’t ever be thirsty for love.

To a man, I love you means please keep feeding me. To a woman, it means she was talking to a new pair of shoes.

You can’t make silly people stay away from you; all you can do is staying away from them.

How crazy it would be if the moon did spin and the earth stood still and the sun went dim!How absolutely ludicrous if snakes could walk and kids could fly and mimes did talk!How silly...

Anyone else find it funny that Bernie Madoff’s last name is a homophone of ‘made-off’?

I guess I just grew up thinking that when we become adults, we get to do what we love. For work, for fun, forever. I don’t know where I got that from. Seems silly now.

Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you think I’d marry a stranger?

The best part about falling in love with a slab of meatloaf is now I get to use my ketchup-dispensing backpack when making love.

real” relationship?

eccentric.” Let this be a lesson in love.

Ah, you shouldn’t have!” I love a box full of emptiness.

From across the bar, I saw her see me seeing her see me, and I knew that she knew, and with all this knowledge and vision I figured it must be love. But I could...

The thing we have in common is we both love to make love. Maybe one day we can merge our mutual interest and make love to each other.

Oh God”, Nate dropped his head down on the arm of the couch next to Si. “Has my love life really been reduced to talking to my cat about this?” Si just licked his whiskers...

I’m an elephant today. I will need to have lots of room and also a bowl of water on the floor.

When you meet someone you want to know, be very careful on how you sit on the driving seat to examine that person because you may end up putting yourself on a serious examination. Sometimes...

I take it back; this one might actually contain magic

No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

How are we going to get out of here?””Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.””Do we have the right plan?””Not yet.””Do we have any plan?””Not yet.

She moved her hands like crane claws as she spoke, trying to dig at the essence of what she was saying. It was the dirtiest I love you I’ve ever heard.

I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute.

Don’t keep me in the dark—let me take off my honorary Helen Keller blindfold and let’s make love like we have no senses except nonsense.

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

I’m selling a rainbow in a bowl (no spoon included). I’m calling it Love Soup, even though it’s nothing more than tap water.

His loyalty has the consistency of a booger—sticky for a while, but easily flicked off. I’d probably love Prague in the spring.

A fart in the face is love.

If you approach Cannes with a sense of humor, nothing is that bad. You have to take it for what it is; otherwise, it’s silly.

Happy endings. *Groan*

As it ‘appens, I am Arthur’s right-hand man,” said Suzy. “Or left-hand girl, I can’t remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least...

I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.

We made love like we made dinner. We had leftovers.

If I can scoop soup at 20 MPH while riding a three-legged horse, just imagine how great of a lover I am when I’m lying perfectly still.

I loved her bravely, like a fighter turned sprinter. I loved her so fiercely that I never even dared speak of my feelings. And because I displayed as much passion as a statue, our relationship...

My love for her is deep, like the ocean, only not so salty. My love for her probably only has as much salt as a bag of potato chips, though it’s much, much more addicting...

Feed me, you moron.

The Eiffel Tower doesn’t look like a penis. My penis looks like the Eiffel Tower. What’s not to love about a Love Stick shaped like the symbol of the City of Love?

Have you ever heard a blindfolded octopus unwrap a cellophane-covered bathtub?

It’s okay to be absurd, ridiculous, and downright irrational at times; silliness is sweet syrup that helps us swallow the bitter pills of life.

Ivy returned his direct gaze with a particularly innocent smile. “The great advantage,” she said, “of being thought silly, is that people forget and begin to think one might also be foolish. I may, Professor...

I love ghosts; I prefer ghosts to some people.

Love is the only gift that’s acceptable to give away as soon as you get it.

Your leftover meatloaf makes me horny. Let us make love like the first squirt from a new bottle of ketchup.

I wore a hat, to compensate for the fact that my pants were unzipped. When we made love, she asked if I brought a condom, so I showed her my tube socks. I brought two,...

For the sake of my loved ones, I don’t drink sake.