Love is a trampoline of the heart. It has its up, it has its downs, and I’m selling mine for $100.00—only been jumped on once.

I want to be loved, but first, I want to love. I’ll love you and we’ll both feel good, and if you love me too that’d be great, but not entirely necessary.

We haven’t spoken in forever, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t love her. That’s what being in love with a mute is all about.

The scope of my problem will easily fit in the scope of my rifle. Too bad true love has to come with a mother-in-law.

I’m not saying I’m not saying. I’m also not saying I’m in love, and I’m not not saying I’m in love.

We weren’t really friends yet, just knowers of each other’s secret stuff.

Robot. Is. Sad. Because silly bitch. Will. Not. Dance.

We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves.

I am Kid Awesome, I kid you not. But I don’t think making love is childish—or for children, unless you’re doing it for children (to produce them, not to entertain them).

Love dances in my heart like a nudist in socks. Boy, that jig is awfully jiggly.

When I make love I use protection. I wear rubber gloves.

Our two hands were held together by love—and adhesive. Let no man separate what God hath joined together! Is it crazy? Yes—Krazy Glue.

I drink trees, and I pee beavers. I know, you must imagine that I’m an exceptional lover. And I am! (I’m imagined, not an exceptional lover).

Two decaying racehorse carcasses would make a great bathtub. I’m a fast lover.

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I’ve got it right.)Howe’er it was, he...

Good writing is remembering detail. Most people want to forget. Don’t forget things that were painful or embarrassing or silly. Turn them into a story that tells the truth.

Nerds are like slinkys. Not good for much, but they put a smile on your face when you push them down the stairs…

When someone says so-and-so’s opinionated, what’s that mean? Aren’t we all opinionated? Show me one person with no opinions, and I’ll show you a bowl of Jell-O—or a politician, whichever one’s dumber.

Personally, I thin knees should be kept for the eight or ninth date, or the wedding day. As a nice surprise, you know? ‘Oh, my darling, you have knees! I never would have thought!

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

Every sex noise can be converted into a note and frozen in a can of soda. Ask me about menstruation music today!

We made love in the restaurant booth. It was romantic until our waiter knocked on our windshield.

When I find the wind to say I love you, it will be breezy, like a hurricane.

I wish my nipples spiraled around and could play records. I could spin love songs while you made love to me like you were a DJ.

I put the hands in handsome. Then I put my penis in those hands. That’s some good-looking lovemaking.

Your pants didn’t get smaller, Mommy,” I assured her. “Your butt got bigger.

I always wanted to be an explorer, but – it seemed I was doomed to be nothing more than a very silly person.

Moose Factory (I wonder if they make moose there?)

It wasn’t necessarily that I wasn’t a fan of fairies. Really. It wasn’t that. It was that I wasn’t a fan of being taken hostage by a group of fairies.

I want to sprint into her open arms, but I run as fast as two shoes tied together and thrown over a telephone wire. I’m like Roger Bannister, now that he’s in a wheelchair.

They should make suitcases shaped like human bodies, for discretely transporting dead cadavers. And I should get a friends and family discount.

I shed my clothes like a garage doesn’t shed—and a shed doesn’t garage. Then we made love like neighbors, so close, yet separated by several barriers.

The three of us made love like one of us was a voyeur. I was the only one using binoculars as a sex toy.

Your love, it takes me to the moon. Let’s get back to the film studio and start over. Pour a small cup of coffee while I take one large sip for mankind.

My love for her is as nuanced as a Nancy, and I wish her name were Nancy so I could more effectively convey my love for her.

She had no legs, so I made her wear suspenders and I carried her like a backpack. True love knows no luggage.

I waffled over the issue like a pancake with texture similar to the bottom of a 1970s track shoe. I ran through all sides, and decided it’s love.

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays.

Board the cows! We’ve come to enslave your marigolds.

When pain brings you down, don’t be silly, don’t close your eyes and cry, you just might be in the best position to see the sun shine.

Kuna tofauti kati ya hekima na maarifa. Unaweza kuwa profesa ukawa mpumbavu, unaweza kuwa gumbaru ukawa na hekima.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

You can’t buy love, it’s true. However, I am offering mine for rent. Buy one year and get the next six months at half price.

I make love like Brett Favre threw his first pass as a Green Bay Packer—to himself. Obviously, himself is myself.

As a lover I aim to please, and afterwards I aim at the toilet. Sometimes I miss, but no matter what, you’ll always receive splatters of intimacy.

A lightning bolt is sharper than an axe, because it’ll chop down a tree with one strike. My love is like that too—good for making firewood.

Having to eat fruit drives me bananas. But it’s OK, I park. Then I pick up a hooker and make love like I’ve got no money. And I really don’t have any.

I’m glad the government can’t tax love, because I’d owe them a lot of it. And I’d be forced to tell them how much my ex wife stole.