My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it’s like they weren’t even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.

If I’m a commodity, it wouldn’t be a wise idea to buy stock in me – although, in the long run, maybe I’m a slow growth investment.

It’s difficult when you have to turn down a tremendous amount of money because you don’t like what the script is saying and you don’t have any money.

I was obsessed with being rich and famous.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… Well, it’s killing me!

Eddie Izzard is absolutely brilliant. I would love to write something for him.

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

Yes, I’m a nice man and I enjoy babies. I’m a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I don’t know why people think I’m this ad-lib dude.

I had always wanted to be on SNL, it’s not always great, but it’s this leftover childhood dream.

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

It wasn’t until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I’m just behind the jokes.

I have personal beliefs and they are sometimes reflected in the movies I make, but I also reflect other points of view.

When you have a person in power who punishes people for speaking their mind, it’s truly dangerous.

My following is straight. I’m so glad.

We have an active program. We have nuclear weapons, we are a nuclear power. We have an advanced missiles program.

I suggested that we had experience in helping other countries build their military forces, and we would be willing and happy to do the same for Afghanistan, together with the United States.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in ’81.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you.

I’ve been with this young lady for about two years now, and my life changed. I don’t even think that way no more. I feel good, too, that I’m changed. Now I feel regular. I...

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you’re funny you will get over all of that.

I like doing films and I wish that I could do more but I still have to audition. I don’t get offered starring roles in movies even though I’ve written and starred in a movie.

I’m fairly competant as a director and actor, but I am Mr. Neurotic as a writer. I just don’t have enough confidence in my abilities to take criticism well. I take it personally. Start with...

I can’t even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

If politically Afghanistan is left alone, Afghanistan people is left alone, they will mend their own fences, they will form their own problems.

I think I look great in green, and I’m going to start wearing more green.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

I like going back and writing fiction.

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

Altman was told they wouldn’t do the film with me. He could easily have abandoned me, but he stood by me and really bailed me out.

Just because someone gets arrested doesn’t mean what they are doing is wrong. Some laws are unfair and unjust.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because the water is cold in there. And I’m like, how did my mother know that?

Generally with the Oscars or the Emmys there isn’t much you can do until the nominations are announced. Then you know what kind of year you’re dealing with – what’s been overlooked, what the issues...

After all, we paid great prices because of the virtual partitioning of Iraq.

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

You know it’s funny that none of the regular late-night shows now use guest hosts the way Johnny did. No one talks about it much, but it’s curious that they don’t do it. They would...

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I learned that you don’t have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious...

I started doing improv my sophomore year.

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.