My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I’m a big Cosby fan. I respect the man.

American people are not evil. Given information, they will do the right thing. But they’re not given the information.

Most good actors have a huge intelligence about the human condition and a real open heart to different kinds of people and behavior.

I’m Liberace without a piano.

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I do a lot of screen re-writing.

Although we dealt decisively with all terrorist organizations, we at the same time not only maintained, preserved our democracy, but kept improving it.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

The comic strip is what I looked at, and it’s another reason I did it. The comic strip, where animals would comment on human behavior, interested me.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.

I left Indiana, and I ain’t been back since. I’ve been doing comedy and paying my bills.

I’m definitely not up-to-date on the high-tech videogame world.

My mother buried three husbands – and two of them were only napping.

It’s hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

I learned never to listen to acting teachers because they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.

You had to know how to fight or you had to know how to avoid a fight. I didn’t enjoy fighting, so I learned how to avoid them.

My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly.

I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.

No, I believe in the good will of the United States’ administration.

Carol Burnett was particularly funny. She swore for the first time on television on Larry Sanders.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

She didn’t break his heart, but I feel like a man is supposed to be a man, he ain’t supposed to be all involved in that. That’s why she got sisters and friend for. Just...

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I’ll hear it, but the men will keep talking.

There are dumb actors. But there are dumb politicians and dumb bakers.

I’ve been lucky-my looks haven’t put me into one category. I don’t look like a blue blood. I don’t look like a criminal. I don’t look like anything.

I don’t understand why people don’t remember my name.

Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

I also think if you’re an actor and you can improvise, when you go on an audition and you can improvise you’re just a genius. If you can, you know, take a Tide commercial and...

I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don’t do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It’s hard for me to have fun and I’m a serious thinker and a searcher...

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

But I’m real conscious about what I do. I don’t care what the label is. I’m looking at the outcome of it.

I was on stage and I was like I will pay someone to do my time, not only will I expect NOT to be paid, but I will pay someone if I can run off...

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36...

I’m here today because I hated everything else.

Any time you’re trying to do a movie with a happy ending, it’s very difficult because it’s been done before and you don’t want to be manipulative.

My father described me as the oldest baby he’d ever seen. I apparently was very serious and reflective.

If I ever completely lost my nervousness I would be frightened half to death.

I mean, I’ve sold all these scripts and nothing’s been made. Studios have closed, stars have died. I had a director find Jesus. And the pictures just don’t get made.

And even very recently, when Taliban was in office, we took the humanitarian task of building hospital, for instance, schools and other arrangements.

Well… you know, I would wake up with a terrible hangover in a jail somewhere and worst part was that I would not know why I was there.

I practice safe sex – I use an airbag.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I love Richard Pryor. I love him to death.

If you have an impulse, not if you’re going to ruin someone elses’ scene, if you have an impulse of a funny little add-on or taking something in a weird direction, try it.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”

Men don’t hear women.