Sandwiches are wonderful. You don’t need a spoon or a plate!

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

There was expectations that the fights there, the operation there might be extended for several months, even for several years. But within a few weeks it ended, because obviously the Taliban wasn’t a real force.

I actually think I’m more of a turtle than Verne is. Where Verne is up on two legs and moving at full speed and doesn’t pull his head into the shell very often, I in...

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don’t know I’m firing blanks.

I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.

With Ice Cube they ain’t no telling. He might have one cocked and loaded, ready to bust. We might do The Sunday, two old men sitting around the house waiting on the social security check.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I don’t know if it’s a woman’s tone of voice or training. Maybe guys are like, When I go home, I have to hear it. Right now I’m at work.

I’m the kind of person who does not remember bad things.

If you find yourself in a movie that you have questions about, it’s not a compromise to your integrity.

I have this beautiful antique silver wine decanter that I bought at an auction. I always pour wine from that.

Congress: Bingo with billions.

If a weakly mortal is to do anything in the world besides eat the bread thereof, there must be a determined subordination of the whole nature to the one aim no trifling with time, which...

I don’t do drugs anymore… than, say, the average touring funk band.

It’s not communism, it’s shouldn’t be that everybody gets a try no matter how good or bad they are. It’s our profession and our art, so we should eventually strive to be working with the...

I’ve never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I’ve done a lot of stuff. I don’t know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching...

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the...

Everybody that’s living in this earth is living in a situation. It’s not narrow-minded to the point where everybody is serious and nobody has a personality. I think people die telling jokes.

I remember watching Gilda Radner when I was a kid and everyone thought she was so funny and no one ever said that she was a funny woman, she was just funny.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me...

I couldn’t care less about being a presenter at the Oscars.

There are a great number of Republicans who are economically conservative but have hearts and a consciousness about their country.

It was the worst moment of my life. The producer came up and talked me back into going on stage.

I’ve never had to write a spec script.

Ataturk sent several Turkish staff officers to Afghanistan, helped them build their own army.

It’s not the hair on your head that matters. It’s the kind of hair you have inside.

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

England is better only because I stand out there as ‘unusual’.

I’m a survivor of life. I try to give the glory to God and appreciate what’s happening to me.

When I was little, we used to have Atari.

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.

Usually, there’s nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

I started getting on my feet and clowning around, and they ended up putting me in a play when I was 12. And I was hooked.

A closet full of wire hangers can be the most dangerous place in the world.

Someday I’m going to go onstage in a dress if I want to.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

We have been helping, trying to help Afghanistan in many ways, even from the beginning of… the beginnings of the ’20s, 1920s, when he we were fighting our own national struggle.

I don’t know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I...

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.

Yeah, I don’t mess with chicks younger. They got to be almost thirty.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.

Americans accept that gangsters are running the government.

If you’re in the position to help someone and you do it, it’s very rewarding.

I laughed all the way through Love Story.

I left home because I was hungry.

Renunciation – that is the great fact we all, individuals and classes, have to learn. In trying to avoid it we bring misery to ourselves and others.