I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’

I don’t know nothing about no marriages or nothing. I ain’t even never been to a wedding.

I did some acting in high school, I knew I really liked it.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

I don’t view myself as a political leftie. I view myself as a storyteller who is fair to both sides.

Toy Soldiers was my introduction to film. I certainly didn’t think I was doing art by any stretch of the imagination.

My father was adamant in his disapproval of my interest in show business.

What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh.

But thanks to the efforts, the initiative of the United States and of the several countries from the world, from Europe, including Turkey, it ended within a few weeks.

I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how...

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I’m humble enough to wait and just chill. I’m having fun just working with these good people, man.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.

Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.

I’ve never been arrested. I’ve been stopped, searched and had a gun put to my head by the Chicago cops.

I wouldn’t say I’m a method actor. I do research when I feel I don’t have enough experience for the part I’m playing.

Food was a constant topic of conversation in our household.

I’m nuts and I know it. But so long as I make ’em laugh, they ain’t going to lock me up.

I’m a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

Well, we wouldn’t even think of a military action because that would have extremely adverse results for Turkey. After all, we are on the borders.

I play basketball on Sundays and I’m a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

Smack your child every day. If you don’t know why – he does.

I have lots of energy.

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it’s like they weren’t even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.

If I’m a commodity, it wouldn’t be a wise idea to buy stock in me – although, in the long run, maybe I’m a slow growth investment.

It’s difficult when you have to turn down a tremendous amount of money because you don’t like what the script is saying and you don’t have any money.

I was obsessed with being rich and famous.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them… Well, it’s killing me!

Eddie Izzard is absolutely brilliant. I would love to write something for him.

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

Yes, I’m a nice man and I enjoy babies. I’m a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I don’t know why people think I’m this ad-lib dude.

I had always wanted to be on SNL, it’s not always great, but it’s this leftover childhood dream.

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

It wasn’t until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I’m just behind the jokes.

I have personal beliefs and they are sometimes reflected in the movies I make, but I also reflect other points of view.

When you have a person in power who punishes people for speaking their mind, it’s truly dangerous.

My following is straight. I’m so glad.

We have an active program. We have nuclear weapons, we are a nuclear power. We have an advanced missiles program.

I suggested that we had experience in helping other countries build their military forces, and we would be willing and happy to do the same for Afghanistan, together with the United States.

My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in ’81.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you.

I’ve been with this young lady for about two years now, and my life changed. I don’t even think that way no more. I feel good, too, that I’m changed. Now I feel regular. I...