Dwarfs are very attached to gold. Any highwayman demanding ‘Your money or your life’ had better bring a folding chair and packed lunch and a book to read while the debate goes on.

A good motto in life, he’d reckoned, was: don’t eat anything that glows.

The Truth Shall Make Ye Fret. [Fred. Free.]

There’s one thing you can say for air pollution, you get utterly amazing sunrises.

And people think she killed him?” said Miss Tick. She sighed. “They probably think she cooked him in the oven, or something.””They never actually said,” said Tiffany. “But I think it was something like that,...

The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp

If you have to look along the shaft of an arrow from the wrong end, if a man has you entirely at his mercy, then hope like hell that man is an evil man. Because...

The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

I should have learned this, she thought. I wanted to learn fire, and pain, but I should have learned people.

Susan’s gotta poker, you know,” it said, as if anxious to be helpful. WELL, WELL. INDEED. MY GOODNESS ME.”I fort-thought all of you knew that now. Larst-last week she picked up a bogey by its...

Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.

To tell you the truth, I’m something of an atheist.

Things that are back to front are often easier to comprehend if they are upside down as well. In life as in politics.

Historical Re-creation, he thought glumly, as they picked their way across, under, over or through the boulders and insect-buzzing heaps of splintered timber, with streamlets running everywhere. Only we do it with people dressing up...

The world rides through space on the back of a turtle. This is one of the great ancient world myths, found wherever men and turtles were gathered together; the four elephants were an Indo-European sophistication....

Magrat liked to think she was good with children, and worried that she wasn’t. She didn’t like them very much, and worried about this too. Nanny Ogg seemed to be effortlessly good with children by...

I heard this story once,” she said, “where this bloke got locked up for years and years and he learned amazin’ stuff about the universe and everythin’ from another prisoner who was incredibly clever, and...

Perhaps the magic would last, perhaps it wouldn’t. But then again, what does?

Just for a moment there was an unusual feeling of bliss. Strange word, he thought. It’s one of those words that describe something that does not make a noise but, if it did make a...

There were a lot of things he could say. “Son of a bitch!” would have been a good one. Or he could say, “Welcome to civilization!” He could have said, “Laugh this one off!” He...

‘There is no justice,’ said Death. ‘Just me.’

Murder was in fact a fairly uncommon event in Ankh-Morpork, but there were a lot of suicides. Walking in the night-time alleyways of The Shades was suicide. Asking for a short in a dwarf bar...

of course it is, it all is, what difference does that make?

Million-to-one chances…crop up nine times out of ten.

Things Just Happen, What The Hell

Besides…where Rincewind went’ – he lowered his voice – ‘trouble followed behind.’Ridcully noticed that the wizards drew a little closer together.‘Sounds all right to me,’ he said. ‘Best place for trouble, behind.

Another priest said, ‘Is it true you’ve said you’ll believe in any god whose existence can be proved by logical debate?’ ‘Yes.” Vimes had a feeling about the immediate future and took a few steps...

I wonder what’s the difference between ordinary councillors and privy councillors?” wondered the merchant aloud.The assassin scowled at him. “I think,” he said, “it is because you’re expected to eat shit.

The rising sun managed to peek around the vast column of smoke that forever rose from Ankh-Morpork, City of Cities, illustrating almost up to the edge of space that smoke means progress or, at least,...

The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all...

I’m trying to remember how you tell the time by looking at the sun.” -“I should leave it for a while, it’s too bright to see the numbers at the moment.

But a girl starting out in life might well say to herself: ‘Is this it? You worked hard and denied yourself things and what you got at the end was hard work and self-denial?

Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don’t find out til too late that he’s been playing with two queens all along.

If there was ever such a thing as redemption, they would have to open a magnum of the stuff for Moist. No, a brewery.

If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.

The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn’t be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?

Do you understand what I’m saying?”shouted Moist. “You can’t just go around killing people!””Why Not? You Do.” The golem lowered his arm.”What?” snapped Moist. “I do not! Who told you that?””I Worked It Out. You...

I don’t know.” The brothers had begging, hungry looks, like dogs waiting to be fed. They wanted an answer. It would be nice if it was the right answer, but if it couldn’t be, then...

She got on with her education. In her opinion, school kept on trying to interfere with it.

Lots of people would be as cowardly as me if they were brave enough.

A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said “You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm”. At the time this was the last thing on my...

A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given...

WORDS IN THE HEART CANNOT BE TAKEN.

Around the Godde there forms a Shelle of prayers and Ceremonies and Buildings and Priestes and Authority, until at Last the Godde Dies. Ande this maye notte be noticed.

Hello, little girl,” he said, which was only his first big mistake. “I’m sure you want to know all about hedgehogs, eh?””I did this one last year,” said Tiffany.The man looked closer, and his grin...

Evil in general does not sleep, and therefore doesn’t see why anyone else should.

Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. and yet… and yet you...

And it stops the witches from goin’ to Hell, so I expect they’d be quite grateful if they understood it properly.

It was Carrot who’d suggested to the Patrician that hardened criminals should be given the chance to ‘serve the community’ by redecorating the homes of the elderly, lending a new terror to old age and,...