Bein’ a soldier is not hard. If it was, soldiers would not be able to do it.

Lawn looked down at his patient. “In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?

I’m not bloody well going to have it, understand?” Vimes shouted, shaking the ape back and forth.”Oook,” the Librarian pointed out, patiently.”What? Oh. Sorry.” Vimes lowered the ape, who wisely didn’t make an issue out...

Could she press it all the way through to the floor?” And, you know, I’m not sure about that myself. The sole of your boot might give me a bit of trouble, but nothing else...

Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.

Hello, inner child, I’m the inner babysitter!

If you really want to upset a witch, do her a favor which she has no means of repaying. The unfulfilled obligation will nag at her like a hangnail.

Something as artificial and human as an hour wouldn’t last five minutes here. It would be dried out and shrivelled up in seconds.

He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting “All the Gods are bastards.”

Do you think it’s possible for an entire nation to be insane?

A lie can run round the world before the truth has got its boots on.

OH, THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING IN THE STOCKING THAT MAKES A NOISE, said Death. OTHERWISE, WHAT IS 4:30 A.M. FOR?

But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He...

Ankh-Morpork is a godless city–”I thought it had more than three hundred places of worship?’ said Maladict.Strappi stared at him in rage that was incoherent until he managed to touch bottom again. ‘Ankh-Morpork is a...

Newton Pulsifer had never had a cause in his life. Nor had he, as far as he knew, ever believed in anything. It had been embarassing, because he quite wanted to believe in something, since...

History isn’t like that. History unravels gently, like an old sweater. It has been patched and darned many times, reknitted to suit different people, shoved in a box under the sink of censorship to be...

What is a fantasy map but a space beyond which There Be Dragons?

As far as she could see, children mostly argued, shouted, ran around very fast, laughed loudly, picked their noses, got dirty and sulked.

Everyone knew there were wolves in the mountains, but they seldom came near the village – the modern wolves were the offspring of ancestors that had survived because they had learned that human meat had...

It took place in the midnight in the University’s Great Hall, in a welter of incense, candlesticks, runic inscriptions and magic circles, none of which was strictly necessary but which made the wizards feel better.

The fastest way to travel is to be there already.

There was a wicked ole witch once called Black Aliss. She was an unholy terror. There’s never been one worse or more powerful. Until now. Because I could spit in her eye and steal her...

Truth! Freedom! Justice! And a hard-boiled egg!

There are all kinds of darkness, and all kinds of things can be found in them, imprisoned, banished, lost or hidden. Sometimes they escape. Sometimes they simply fall out. Sometimes they just can’t take it...

Wow,” a lot. Part of the brain exists to stop this from happening.

That’s practically zen.

Quick, someone’s coming! Look real!

People couldn’t become truly holy, he said, unless they also had the opportunity to be definitively wicked.

‘Oh, good grief,’ said Vimes. ‘Look, it’s quite simple, man. I was expected to go ‘At last, alcohol!’, and chugalug the lot without thinking. Then some respectable pillars of the community.’

Sham Harga had run a successful eatery for many years by always smiling, never extending credit, and realizing that most of his customers wanted meals properly balanced between the four food groups: sugar, starch, grease,...

What a mess the world was in, Vimes reflected. Constable Visit had told him the meek would inherit it, and what had the poor devils done to deserve that?

Light died in the west. Night and tears took the Nation. The star of Water drifted among the clouds like a murderer softly leaving the scene of the crime.

The gods were there to do the duties of a megaphone, because who else would people listen to?

Oh, I wasn’t saying no,” Mistress Weatherwax said, taking two large pickled cucumbers.

Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.

Younger wizards in particular went about saying that is was time magic started to update its image and that they should all stop mucking about with bits of wax and bone and put the whole...

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.

What’s a philosopher?’ said Brutha.Someone who’s bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,’ said a voice in his head.

The universe danced towards life. Life was a remarkably common commodity. Anything sufficiently complicated seemed to get cut in for some, in the same way that anything massive enough got a generous helping of gravity....

Just because you can explain it doesn’t mean it’s not still a miracle.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they’d seen the need for gods as the sort...

I’m just capable of entertaining the fantastic idea that, in certain circumstances, Homo sapiens might actually be capable of thinking. It must be worth a go, since we’ve tried everything else.

He’d noticed that sex bore some resemblance to cookery: it fascinated people, they sometimes bought books full of complicated recipes and interesting pictures, and sometimes when they were really hungry they created vast banquets in...

There were only three times in your life when it was proper to come through the front door, and you were carried every time.

Is that all, sir? Only we’ve got stuff to finish before our knocking-off time, you see, and if we stay late we have to make more money to pay our overtime, and if the lads...

Belief, he says. Belief shifts. People start out believing in the god and end up believing in the structure.

Sergeant Colon of the Ankh-Morpork City Guard was on duty. He was guarding the Brass Bridge, the main link between Ankh and Morpork. From theft.When it came to crime prevention, Sergeant Colon found it safest...

I have told this to few people, gentlemen, and I suspect I never will again, but one day when I was a young boy on holiday in Uberwald I was walking along the bank of...

He’d heard that writers spent all day in their dressing gowns drinking champagne. This is, of course, absolutely true.