I believe I believe I can succeed, and this belief is the foundation for my belief.

I make love like uh huh. Huh? Uh huh. I also make coffee, though you have to pay for that.

The only other man I’d let see my wife’s naked body is the butcher.

Love is a cat wearing a fur coat in a sauna in the middle of the Sahara Desert at noon. Trust me, I speak from personal experience.

If you have Microsoft Word, you can become a writer tonight. Just start typing!

She looks so serious. Why such a stern look? Oh yeah, somebody’s just been murdered. With all my diabolical laughter, I seem to have forgotten about that.

I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason why my investment decisions always look so great—for the people on the other...

I want to write an unreliable narrator. In fact, he’ll be so unreliable that I’m not even sure he’ll show up to narrate.

Incredibly, he wore an incredulous look on his face like he had no idea what she was insinuating. Did she just accuse him of murder? I hope she did, because I have no alibi, but...

It’s sad to see a restaurant go out of business because the owner died, after being cannibalized by hungry customers.

I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in their lungs.

The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

I’m stronger than a pack of crackers and a pack of midgets, but not the PAC 12. PAC 11, maybe, but not 12.

I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing...

The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good.

Candy is full of taste. But so is shit, because taste is full of smell.

If I knew everything, life would be lonely, as everyone else would want to explore the world, and I’d be content with a cat on my lap sitting in the dark.

I have a list of pet names for Cap’n so long that it could fill a phone book (if the phone book is for a town with a population of four). I call him Cap’n...

Forget food for thought. Give me food for my belly.

Love is something to be treated with awe. Or should it be aww? People don’t know my capacity for love. If you tried to bottle it up, I’m sure it would take at least three...