No thanks, I’ve already got a spot of tea on my shirt.

A brick could be used to dispel the very same lies that a blanket could be used to cover up.

A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north!

Caveat Emptor.”

A brick could be used like a Viking skull holds soup. If you bring a spoon, I can quench your thirst—and your hunger.

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, and a brick left as a tip.

The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris’ karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren’t making love in it.

For me, I really love ‘Tim and Eric’ and ‘Dr. Steve Brule’ and a lot of the Adult Swim shows, so I like strange, weird, sometimes slightly upsetting humor.

A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as...

A blanket could be split in two—divided in half, like hereditary territory one inherits. And once you’ve got half the blanket, you’d better stay on your side of the bed—or else I’m going to tell...

A crate full of discreet would appear to be empty. But it’s not. It’s full of my love for you.

I lay warm in bed like a melted marshmallow in a graham cracker. I really wish my blanket wasn’t so rigid and crumbly.

A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because women like guys with lots of money.

You say guest, and I say prisoner. But I say it with love, so mine is preferable to yours.

Imagine there is a balloon tied to a severed human hand. As it floats into the sky it flaps in the breeze, and whether you perceive it to be waving hello or goodbye determines whether...

I think we all should be in love once in our lifetime, even if we’re in love with someone who’s not alive in our lifetime. Long distance relations are hard, especially when you’re separated by...

Do Not Eat.” Since I don’t feel like cooking or making love, I’ll probably have it for dinner tonight.

Her movements were so stealthy that she seemed to be an invisible creature. Frightened by her strange nature, her mother had hung a cowbell around the girl’s wrist so she would not lose track of...

A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a half a brick would be an accurate measure for the amount of love...

A blanket could be used to distribute ice cream to dyslexics. Blankets are cold and ice cream needs to be kept warm, right?

Weird how I can feel so frail and tiny sometimes, and other times so brave and bold and reckless and free, and . . . Does everybody feel the same? When people get grown-up, do...

I don’t know what it is about me. I don’t know if there’s something strange… but I continue to play aliens, so there’s obviously something there.

If you see a strange thing, try to understand it! If you can understand it, nothing strange will remain!

Hey, Ms. P,” Tad called, “what’s going on?”She let out a slow breath before she answered. “You won’t believe this… Brian Murrey tried to eat Scott Morgan.”Nick’s eyes widened at the unexpected explanation. Had he...

So come Cinderella, let me take you to the ball again. Perhaps you will see more than I did, or perhaps you will begin to understand how difficult it is to understand. Truth is never...

A blanket cold be used as truth. At least it’s so warm, it must be used that way.

A blanket could be used to teach geography to a sleeping man. Better do it quick, before he wakes up and finds himself in the middle of World War III with no idea where he...

A brick could be used like a giraffe could be used as a neck warmer. You could also use my foreskin.

A brick can and should be used as a telephone, because that way I won’t feel so bummed out that she never calls me.

A brick could be used as a penis enlargement aid. Just tie a string around both your penis and a brick, and drop the brick off the roof of a building. I’m not stretching the...

A blanket could be shared with someone cold. And if you’re sharing your blanket, they might as well share the blame in getting pregnant. It’s not like they can blame me, because I was in...

A brick could be used as one ingredient on the greedy Cake of Love. Other ingredients include: Everything.

A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the brick and pretending everything will work itself out is not going to transform it into a wall.

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.

To fly is to swim in the air, and a brick could be used as an as example to highlight man’s failure to fishbird.

A brick could be used to instill patience in a pupil. Not a pupil as in part of an iris, but a pupil as in student. Seems a bit silly to try to teach eyes...

A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a vampire shark, let alone caught one, I think it would be unreasonable to dismiss the idea entirely.

A brick has eight edges and six sides. That’s nearly as many sides as a politician takes when discussing a binary issue.

A brick represents a single unit, weak and useless alone, but useful and powerful when organized and grouped with other bricks. So it is with man.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.

Bring your son to work night” at NAMBLA’s manufacturing plant. What does NAMBLA make? NAMBLA makes me sick.

A brick is a mythical object that empowers its handler and enables them to conquer the world and control the globe through secret occult knowledge. Just ask the Masons.

I shed my clothes like a garage doesn’t shed—and a shed doesn’t garage. Then we made love like neighbors, so close, yet separated by several barriers.

A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow, both physically and intellectually.

I have a strange career. I know it because people come up to me, like colleagues, and say, ‘Chris, you have a strange career.’

Underwater nobody can dance. Let this be a lesson in basket weaving. And love.

It’s such a strange combination that I’d be unhappy to make anything like that without Landis directing.

I tried picking my nose once, but I was too indecisive. I would tell you I love you, but I can’t decide if maybe I’m not really in love with your clone.