I had a dream about you. You were saving your love for another man, so I gave you a bigger Ziploc bag to save it in, because if you’re going to make that relationship work,...

How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.

Arrogant and ignorant go together like peanut butter and jelly. Would you like a sandwich?

I had a dream about you. You were hungry, so I made you a binocular sandwich, which is peeping power between two slices of bread. You were a hungry pervert, so I thought it perfect.

No thanks. The one I have isn’t broken.

With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich.

Sure, I’ll have sex with you—for twenty bucks.” Geez! For half that I can get twice the value, in two twins and a ham sandwich down at the trailer park. Sure, the combined age of...

I always tell my kids to cut a sandwich in half right when you get it, and the first thought you should have is somebody else. You only ever need half a burger.

Don’t be surprised if I try to stab you with a club sandwich sword. I will defend your right to free speech at any cost—including killing you.

No thanks, I’m asexual.

Never mind. But think up a different filling next time. And not cheese and tomato.” He shook his head and made up the roll.

I folded my map in half and used it to make a sandwich. Then I dipped it in coffee and ate all of Europe and half of Russia.

If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which,...

Enjoy every sandwich.

I made a Lindsey Sandwich out of two Jennifers and a Jessica. Then I ate it like I make love—alone, in the corner, with a box of tissues and lots of tears.

The three of us met to discuss dinner over sandwiches, and I decided I liked them. The sandwiches, not the people. I hated those fucking people.

Love is like holding a baloney sandwich for a friend. That was over two years ago, and I’m still holding it. I wonder if he’s coming back any time soon. He must be starving by...

Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness.

Tonight at 8:00. My bed. Bring a friend, and I’ll show you how to make a Snuggle Sandwich.

I make love like a sandwich ate at my best friend. It’s only happened to me once, and I very nearly didn’t have to pay for it.

I believe in love like a flower bud might believe in Buddha. But, then, I’m a romantic, and you know that because in the last presidential election I voted for Grilled Cheese Sandwich.

Everything can be used as a weapon, including love. My love looks like a butter knife, but I assure you, it is quite deadly. I would demonstrate, but I’m right in the middle of making...

I had a dream about you. The lettuce in my sandwich was crunchier than your conversation, and all I could hear when you spoke was myself chewing. You made such a tasty conversation that I...

If you want walking dolphins and talking sandwiches, you’re lucky to have me buying shoes for you—and selling them to you. I’ll give you the best price (for myself), because business is better when love...

If you’re wearing a space suit, I’ll take a unicrescent sandwich; hold the mayonnaise—and the moon. (But don’t hold it in your hands.) Let us dance like the moon is hollow and inhabited by beings...

I had a fistful of huhs, and a Ziploc bag full of questions—and a sandwich. But I didn’t bring them, because my lunchbox was full of love.

Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself.

I’ll make birthday to you like turkey on wheat. Hold the mayonnaise—and hold me tightly. My love candle burns bright for you like a black hole.