A brick could be used as a steak knife, and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer.

lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes.

A brick could be used to show support for your favorite team. They want to crush their opponents, and if you’ve got the arm strength and accuracy, you should do everything in your power to...

People love to love, but I love to sleep, and that is why cats are closer to God than bricks are to blankets. –Cap’n Kintz

A woman cannot ever be sure of not being married till she is buried, Mrs. Doctor, dear, and meanwhile I will make a batch of cherry pies.

Twenty-two is just such a random age. It’s a little blah.

Look up, always. Look back, never.

Why?’ He asked.’Why what?’ What could I say? Noah, despite you being an asshole, or maybe because of it, I’d like to rip off your clothes and have your babies. Don’t tell.

One time, in New Orleans at a youth convention for my church, I read out of the phone book during a talent show. I made it all the way to ‘J’ before people started booing.

Expired condoms are like nuclear waste: there’s nothing sensible you can do with it.

It is important to distinguish ‘pure chance’ from ‘chance’ or ‘accident.’ Things may happen by chance or accident in a purely deterministic universe…Now there is perhaps a sense of ‘could not have done otherwise’ in...

A brick could be used to remind you. I would remind you of what you need to be reminded about, but that’s not my role—that’s the brick’s place.

A blanket could be used, or it could not be used. They are opposites, but that doesn’t mean one is good and the other is bad.

A brick could be used to stop a tornado, unlike a mobile home, which only acts like a tornado magnet and seems to increase its power.

A brick could be used as a flying decision inducer. You could have said yes before I threw the brick, but I suppose you’ll be more agreeable when you wake up from your coma.

A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record every single phone conversation, email, text message, Google search, and Skype video chat...

A blanket could be wrapped around people who’ve recently been electrocuted, because I’ll bet it’s really warm under those covers. I’ve always wanted to roast marshmallows in my sleep.

A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick, and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heard—not that I’d know from personal experience.

I’d never name my kid Mark, for fear he’d be a target—a mark.

A brick could be used as a trophy, and when you get yours, believe me, you’ll have earned it.

Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.

I am the burrito wrapped up in a blanket. Eat my warmth.

A brick can be neither good nor bad. A brick just is. And it isn’t, because I just stole it from you, which is good for me, and bad for you.

The wall of silence that exists between us is as long as the Great Wall of China. And though it’s the same length, our wall is about two bricks quieter.

If I were a Wild West cowboy, I wouldn’t ride a horse—I’d ride a wheelchair. More romantic.

Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.

Cora,come on now. You can find a guy in, like, a second flat. Half the guys in the band have you on their laminated list.”She rolled her expressive eyes at me. “I want something real,...

A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.

A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and let the blanket filter out impurities. Then after your water is pure, drop...

A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the future.

People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.

I am a firm believer in serendipity – all the random pieces coming together in one wonderful moment, when suddenly you see what their purpose was all along.

Every resistance will be met and conquered until you’ve soared over the sweet edge of surrender.

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

I would rather be strong at heart than strong at mind

A brick and a blanket are the perfect symbols for the superhero Captain Dense.

It was a summer of great rumblings in the belly of the earth, of atomic flatulence and geopolitical indigestion, consequences of the consumption of sectarian chickpeas by our famished and increasingly incontinent subcontinent.

Theism, as religious people typically hold it, does not merely state that some entity created the universe, but that the universe was created specifically with humans in mind as the most important part of creation....

A brick and blanket could be used as a large slingshot, put the brick in the blanket swing it around and release.

A brick could be used in a levitation demonstration. The best way to keep it afloat, along with the American Dream, is with debt and denial.

A blanket could be used to cover the engine of a car, much like a hood does, only the blanket would help the car fall asleep when it was spending its idle time idling.

A blanket could be used to water down the water. Don’t do it now! Wait until I am finished bathing.

A brick could be used to simulate a war opponent. Especially if your nemesis is paraplegic and without transportation.

A blanket could be used as a distress symbol. You’ll know I’m in danger and in need of rescue, because I’ll be asleep and completely oblivious to my surroundings.

A brick could be used to determine whether you are really in love or not. But you’re never going to be able to tell for sure if you try to run the experiment with the...

Bricks could be used to replace stop signs. Some people won’t stop at stop signs, but everybody will stop for a brick wall.

I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and become them.

very” while yawning.

A brick could be used as a hammer, which frees up the hammer to be used as a sex toy. The only question is, Which end will you insert? If you’re a politician, I’d recommend...

A brick could be used to represent the state of Kansas. Both are flat, both are rectangular, both have tried to insert themselves up my anus, and both failed to penetrate me (though Kansas got...