To hear how much of a great human being you were — even if you really weren’t — open your ears at your funeral.

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

When you decide to meet—in person—someone that you met online, would you then be taking your relationship to the ‘previous’ level?

Life’s most rewarding forms of being: Being patient, and, being yourself.

To be called insane: challenge convention. To be called possessed: challenge religion.

For the most difficult way to be retweeted, or, liked: be thought-provoking. For the easiest way: quote Oprah, or, the Bible.

A celebrity’s body is an advertiser’s canvas.

Once born, how long a man will live matters. Once dead, how long he has lived doesn’t.

Who you are —and what you have—today, is a reflection of how fearful or fearless you were yesterday.

He who was given the freedom to ask whatever should give the freedom to be answered however.

Compared with lesbians, gays seem to be more unapologetic about their sexual orientation. The former must not have balls.

To a homeless man, home is literally where the heart is.

12% of people marry because they are completely in love. 88% of people marry just so they are then liable for only half of their rent.

When rich, being poor seems *adventurous.*

To a misogynist: To err is woman.

A belief is an uneducated guess.

Marriage converts a player into a polygamist.

Man usually sees what he is looking for; seldom what he is looking at.

Mr. Right’ is usually two or eight men.

Sense isn’t democratic. A senseless opinion that’s advocated by ‘the majority’ is still senseless.

The only things that old age comes standard with: grey hair and wrinkles. Wisdom and intellect are earned.

Insurance companies sell what might happen tomorrow. Historians sell what certainly happened yesterday.

We’re all geniuses. Life is merely overpopulated with singers who play drums, and, drummers who sing, to pay rent.

Chances are that whatever that you are worried about—be it a person or a thing—isn’t worried about you.

Before civilization, artists painted for the living. Today, most paint for a living.

Thou shalt not use the 140 characters limit as an excuse for bad grammar and/or incorrect spelling.

It is rude to tweet while having sex. However, it is not rude to have sex while tweeting.

To the family of a victim of a fatal accident, the deceased was at the wrong place at the wrong time. To the family of the morgue owner, the deceased was at the right place...

Girls like well-built boys. Women love well-paid men.

Torn clothes are funny … until your dad gets fired.

We are so used to working that not working is the new hard work.

A slice of bread eaten is a million times more nourishing than a loaf of bread imagined.

Education is what they equip you with; just in case your dream doesn’t workout.

Being shy is a symptom of a low self-esteem.

Employment is an employee’s kissing of an employer’s ass. A salary is the employer’s pretense to be cleaning his ass.

A phone call should be a convenience to the caller, not an inconvenience to the called.

You know a man is interesting when you forget to notice how expensive — or cheap — his clothes are.

An enlightened thinker does not waste his precious time thinking about what others think of what he thinks.

With homework, school prepares students for overtime. With reports, it prepares them for payday.

Though you can love what you do not master, you cannot master what you do not love.

I will only start taking book reviews seriously from the day that books are able to review readers.

For the most expensive way to realize an orgasm, men open their wallets. For the cheapest, they close their eyes.

Some marry because they are in love. Others marry to have sex … without the guilt.

For their holidays: the rich’s kids travel the world; the poor’s kids roam around their grandparents’ yard.

The easiest way to make money is to be funny. The easiest way to be regarded as funny is to have money.

You know you made it, when people you know, tell people they know, that you know them.

Courtship is an activity whereby one losses oneself … whilst trying to win someone’s love.

Everybody is talking about the Law of Attraction. Nobody is talking about the Law of Action.

Most people say that Shakespeare rocked merely because most people say that Shakespeare rocked.

With regards to getting laid and getting AIDS: Being interesting can be an interesting guy’s downfall.