May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue....

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

You’re just another american who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day… The owners of this country know the truth… it’s called the American...

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Do you know why hurricanes have names instead of numbers? To keep the killing personal. No one cares about a bunch of people killed by a number. ‘200 Dead as Number Three Slams Ashore’ is...

I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. Words are my work, they’re my play. They’re my passion. Words are...

TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can’t be sure. If it...

Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things...

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn’t afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually,...

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer...

I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward,...

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies.

He – and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done....

The decay and disintegration of this culture is astonishingly amusing if you are emotionally detached from it. I have always viewed it from a safe distance, knowing I don’t belong; it doesn’t include me, and...

practice”?

I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence,...

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, Trajedi.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Fuck rational thought

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any...

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for theexistence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably farmore. At least in the case of UFOs there have...

Why are we here?” Plastic… asshole.

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don’t have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway...

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there’s nothin’ like it. It’s a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you’re thinking....

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, ‘Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.’ Then he told me he once...

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.

It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like,...

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

You wouldn’t know it, from some of the things I’ve said over the years, but I like people… I do… I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don’t like people for...

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do,...

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.