It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, ‘Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees.’ Then he told me he once...

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.

It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like,...

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

You wouldn’t know it, from some of the things I’ve said over the years, but I like people… I do… I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don’t like people for...

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do,...

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

You can take and nail two sticks together like they’ve never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.

What would Jesus do?” They don’t wanna know so they can do it – they just wanna know so they can tell other people to do it!

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Sore loser? You bet your fuckin’ ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously-that’s for chumps....

Why should I have to hide the fact that I don’t believe there’s a supreme being? There’s no proof of it. There’s no harm in saying you’re an atheist. It doesn’t mean you treat people...

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and...

The God excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

I’m not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

And then there are the times when the wolves are silent and the moon is howling.

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he’ll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the...

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and...

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

[On school uniforms] Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It’s not a new idea, either. I first saw it in...

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Electricity is really just organized lightning

Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of...

My advice: just keep movin’ straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

I’ve begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It’s there for me every day. And the things it...

We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save...

People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.

Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give...

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? “Well, it’s God’s will.” “Thy Will Be Done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going...

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no...

My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.