A blanket could be used to help frowners smile. I’m only halfway through the process myself, which is why I’m smirking.

A brick could be used as a blanket, and a blanket could be used as a brick, but not very well and not equally as well. Which is whicher depends on whose colder and who’s...

If someone invented a thermometer that measured weirdness, it would probably melt under my tongue.

I am, yet I strive to not be. Do you understand, comrade?” His tone suggested fellowship, disciples of the same obscene religion. …

Alice smiled her wide smile. The crooked incisor smile.

I’m quite aware of my differences. I wouldn’t classify them as weird

I’m too wacky for most weirdos. Who am I to judge?

It’s weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can’t be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We’ve got to figure out a way to do it on stage.

A brick could be used to sway the voters. But if you really want to sway them, try using a catchy song.

A blanket could be used as a warm topping on a hamburger, sort of like processed cheese, only tastier and healthier.

A brick could be used like yellow sneezes hello every time love walks like a slinky down the stairs. Who used my shoe as a soup bowl?

A blanket could be used as wrapping paper, to give the gift of a cat.

A blanket could be used to keep you warm on a cold night. Just pour some gasoline on it and light it on fire.

Bye,” but to me it means food. Of the greetings, goodbye is the desert.

A brick and a blanket can be used as reasons to go on searching, when you’ve found all the obvious applications for the brick and the blanket—and immediately discarded them—but you lost the motivation to...

A brick could be used as a cock block.

Let my hand be a blanket for my penis.

A brick could be used to ascertain the truth. And then logically, a non-brick could be used to detect the lie. What kind of things are non-bricks? Well, anything from blankets to lies. So therefore,...

A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is not only would it have zero emissions, but it would also have a...

A brick could be placed down on the first step on the path to enlightenment.

I gave her a sideways bitter beer smirk, and then I ripped a whole chicken apart and threw it at the waiter and said, This place is too weird for me.

My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.

A brick could be fired out of a cannon, in an attempt to bring down a brick wall, just as index fingers could be severed and flicked at politicians, to try to correctly redirect blame.

A brick represents my rationality, and a blanket represents my emotions. It’s robot versus mannequin, and to get a sense of who I am as a person, you need some mortar and a pillow.

A brick could be used to keep thieves away from your house. Just set a brick outside your front door, and you won’t need any additional security. Years will go by and nobody will steal...

It’s great that people are basically spending their two weeks of vacation to come out and be with us in some weird part of the world. And I think we owe it to them to...

A blanket could be used as a shield, in a fight with a cold shower. I know, because I won that battle this morning, only I wielded a sword—and an erection made of sleep.

A blanket could be divided into four even parts and given to three equal people. I’d be an ideal politician, because I believe in social progress.

I have this weird obsession with kids and old people falling. Like, funny falls. It is awful, but it’s the thing that makes me laugh the most.

People keep asking if I believe in ghosts. If you’re talking about poltergeists and weird, supernatural phenomena, not really.

Hang up the phone on a vampire, the definition of carefree.

Straight people are so fucking weird.

It is weird. A lot of people try to ask me political questions. I’m not a politician.

A blanket could be used to lure politicians to your side of an issue. Which is your side? Easy—the side I’m not sleeping on.

A brick could be used to tell the world’s largest Yes what you really want to tell it, which is no. Tell that Yes no now, and use a brick to help you do it.

A blanket could be used to let the world know how serious you are. I’m serious, it could work. Try wrapping your naked body in a blanket and showing up to a job interview and...

A brick could be crushed, mixed with water, and drunk like a sports drink. And hey, with no bromated vegetable oil, it’s healthier than Gatorade.

Stop” as you hold out a stiff arm and just stand there. It might feel like you’re waiting your whole life for that train to stop, and quite possibly you will wait your whole life...

A flag could be used as a blanket, but a blanket couldn’t be used as a flag. A blanket provides real warmth, not the pseudo warmth that patriotism provides. A blanket-flag would leave you shivering—not...

A blanket could be used to eradicate the radical element that’s so pervasive and perverse in our society today. I’m talking about people sleeping in the nude, with nothing to cover their shame.

A blanket could be hung on your living room wall, and watched instead of nightly news. Not only would it be more honest, but it also would be more entertaining and thought provoking.

A brick could be used to enhance your sex life. So what are you waiting for? Get that gerbil out of your pants

Do either a brick or a blanket have Buddha nature? The answer is yes and no and maybe, in a Triangle of Truth where there is no is, and there is no isn’t.

A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what kind of life am I trying to build? Well, I guess I want...

A brick could be used to assuage your sense that life isn’t real. Hold it in your hands and say, This is not a dream.

A brick is something solid, stable, and yet edgy. In other words, it’s everything a politician isn’t.

I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work...

A blanket and a brick could be put in a ring and paid to fight. Compared to MMA, it would be boring. But compared to boxing, it would be downright thrilling.

One brick is not a wall. Unless you’re an ant, and then it’s not only a wall, it’s a building—a building that has no doors, windows, or people in the form of managers that I’d...

A brick could be tied to a cape, and then exalted as a superhero. Is that any more absurd than Superman?