A brick could be traded for a soon-to-be abandoned baby. Let’s build a better future together.

A blanket could be used to say hello to all the goodbyes I was too blind to hear. I’m hungry for a bowl full of mute, but my favorite restaurant is out of the Helen...

A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you know?

A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad dreams? I’ll bet your mom gave them to Good Will.

A blanket could be used like cloud cover

transparent” administration.

A blanket is a shield, blocking out the breeze, and an insulator, keeping in body heat.

A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident, where some driver ran into a brick wall.

A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company of others who posses similar intellects and interests. And as I have just...

I, uh—,” I began oh so coherently, and then I jumped up, almost knocking himover, and raced down the dock. I took off, flying fast, like a rocket.

Yeah” while the guy peeing next to you is talking, try a more positive affirmation, like pinching his butt cheek.

A blanket could be used in a secretive manner. What? I can’t just tell you how it could be used. What part of secretive don’t you understand?

A brick could be used as a patsy in a murder plot.

I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket.

We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).

A blanket could be drenched in water, frozen, and then enjoyed like a giant cotton popsicle by prisoners of a gulag, who might consider this a tasty treat compared to what they normally eat.

A brick could be used as a brick. Clever, right?

A blanket could be used to show people the benefits of sleeping with a parachute—especially if you’ve got a flying bed like I do.

A brick could be used to monitor earthquakes. If the brick crumbles apart, you can bet an earthquake occurred.

The problem is normal was’nt in my DNA. I was destined to be forever freakish.

A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun dangling down over your dining room table. You’d better apply sunscreen to your ice cream or it’ll likely melt...

A brick could be used to test how fast you throw a baseball, if, you know, baseballs were cube-shaped and integral to the construction of houses.

After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It’s very weird.

Take off your damned wrapper! The old buffer ordered, looking intensely at her lower part. Comfort was on her knees, rubbing the old man’s dirty feet. All her plea and tears continually worsen the whole...

Some of the mail I’ve had has been weird. When I played Guy of Gisborne, a woman crocheted a mini-version of me.

Today we’re younger than we’re ever gonna be

The simple truth is that you can understand the way you are. You can know and love and hate it. You can blame it, resent it, and nothing changes. In the end, you’re just a...

A brick could be used to float a good idea at work—especially if it’s a good idea that would be bad for you personally.

A blanket could be used to aid a waiter with bringing out a large order of beer. Those customers can drape themselves in soggy drunkenness.

A brick could be used to crush the dreams of the little guy. Especially if that little guy’s dreams are roach like and scurrying across the kitchen floor.

A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol showing you want to help build their future.

A brick could be used as a replacement for an erection. Hey, I did it in the early 2000s, and I gave birth to the housing bubble. Well, I didn’t literally give birth to it,...

My hand acts as a blanket for my genitals.

A blanket could be used to study the stars more thoroughly. I don’t know how exactly, because I’m not Stephen Hawking. Somebody get me a wheelchair.

A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then I guess you wouldn’t like to pour you a glass of wine. It’s a shame, because I made it myself.

A brick could be used to block out the pain, if you use it to first inflict pain and carry it through to coma.

A blanket could be used like the Romans used Greek gods. Still, if you want my honest opinion, I’d rather pray to cheddar cheese than to Zeus.

A brick could be used to knock out the tooth of a giant, and then used as a replacement for that very tooth it knocked out. I’ll tell you what, you knock it out, and...

A brick could be cast in Samuel Jackson roles. It would be cheaper and more dramatic.

But functional was not an aesthetic criterion that Flashjack, as a faery, had terribly high on his list of priorities; it was well below shiny and nowhere near weird.

I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.

A brick could be used as a measurement of time. Yes, just think how stylish you’ll look with a brick duct taped to your wrist!

I am weird, and you know what? That’s OK. So are most interesting people.

A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death.

In a weird way, I live vicariously through the characters I play as an actor.

A brick could be used to help you get used to the fact that you’ve been used. I’ve been used to, so I know what you’re going through. You’re going through a dark tunnel, and...

A brick could be used to control whole populations of people. Just get a good looking person, like a news anchor, to give it out to the masses and say soothing things with a straight...

I like weird. Conformity bores but is inescapable for the most part. We all follow something, even if it is following the goal of wanting to stand apart. We are a sea of ordinary people;...

I don’t do normal. I have a reputation to uphold. (Thwonk)

You honor our humble abode,’ said Bean.’I do, don’t I,’ said Peter with a smile.